Divorce is a painful experience for everyone involved. Teens are not equipped to deal with the emotional damage––including a sense of abandonment, loss, isolation, and confusion. While you can’t prevent your teen from experiencing hurt, you can acknowledge the reality of their pain and help your teen learn how to manage well. In this article, I’ll explain the ugly truth about divorce and its impact on teens, and I’ll offer practical ways to help your teen cope.

If you are recently divorced, or even if it’s been years since the split, here’s some of what your child may be feeling during the teen years.

Feelings of Loss

Parents aren’t the only ones who lose a significant relationship in a divorce. While children may not fully grasp the depth of what they’ve lost until their turbulent teen years, this is when many start processing the breakup of their family. It’s during this time that teens often ask, ‘What if?’ and wonder what life might have been like if their parents had stayed together. Teens from broken homes may also feel the loss of a sense of ‘normalcy,’ especially when they compare themselves to peers from intact families. This sense of difference can intensify feelings of loss and make them feel isolated or disconnected.

Feelings of Isolation and Abandonment

A divorce means your teen is living apart from at least one parent, often for extended periods. For some, it may mean seeing one parent rarely, if at all. This separation can make teens feel as though they are no longer whole. Many teens express feeling ‘left behind’ when the family is split. Going back and forth between houses may seem like balanced time with both mom and dad, but it can also make teens feel unwelcome and unwanted, no matter where they are. Introducing a new partner or spouse into your teen’s life won’t fill the emptiness they feel. In fact, it may only intensify their sense of abandonment.

Feelings of Guilt

It’s all too common for teens to worry that they directly or indirectly caused their parents’ relationship to fail. As they get to the teen years and attempt to think through what has happened, some teens will struggle with guilt. They may reason that they were to blame for the divorce in some way.  Many children of divorce think, “If only I was easier on my parents,” or, “Why wasn’t I enough to keep them together?”

Feelings of Confusion

Teens who split time between parents have to constantly adjust between the routines and environments of their parents’ homes. You need to acknowledge and be aware of this strain. No matter how amicable you are, your teen will have to deal with the reality that their parents aren’t under the same roof. Some divorced parents start enforcing different rules or standards to try and “win over” their teen’s affection or “get back at” the other parent––instead of doing what’s best for their teen. This lack of consistency is difficult for teens to manage and may pit one parent against the other––causing additional chaos and frustration.

How You Can Help Your Teen Heal From the Pain of Divorce

1) If your teen feels isolated or abandoned––make extra effort to spend quality time together. It’s easy to get distracted by your divorce and fail to notice a teen who is retreating into isolation. Try to include your teen in as many things as possible. Don’t let them feel like they’ve lost their relationship with you in the divorce too. Tell them you love them no matter what! Then tell them again and again.

2) If your teen is grieving––give your teen space to heal. I don’t mean leave them alone, I mean allow them the emotional space to feel their grief. Don’t demand that they “get over it” right away. Talk to your teen about how they feel and really be willing to listen, without judging or correcting them. When the time is right, you can reminisce about the good times you had as a family, and let them know that it’s okay to talk about the past.

3) If your teen feels guilty––don’t try to make your teen feel better by blaming someone else for the divorce. It won’t relieve their feelings of guilt. In fact, it will probably make them feel worse; and don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse! Instead, be willing to admit your mistakes and keep your teen out of your personal drama. For example, never pass messages to your former spouse through your teen––even stuff that seems insignificant. That’s not your teen’s job.

4) If your teen feels confused––work together with your ex to establish a co-parenting gameplan, focusing on what’s best for your teen. Keep healthy boundaries, expectations, rules, and consequences consistent from household to household, as much as possible to alleviate the stress and confusion your teen is facing.

Conclusion

Divorce is tough, and if you haven’t seen the effects it’s had on your own teens, you’ve likely witnessed the damage it has caused in other families who’ve weathered the storm of separation. The first thing you need to do is face the reality that, despite your best efforts, some harm has already been done to your teen. Ignoring the pain and hurt your teen has experienced won’t make the situation better. In fact, if these feelings are not addressed now, the trauma will only resurface later in life, often at a time when the consequences are more severe, affecting other important relationships.

So, what do you do? You talk about it. Without rehashing every detail of your marriage, don’t be afraid to acknowledge your role in the divorce. Avoid pointing fingers at your ex or focusing on their flaws. Instead, share your perspective, your feelings, and the sorrow you feel over the hurt your divorce has caused.

Lay it all on the table, and trust that God has a plan for both you and your teen—a plan for healing and a stronger relationship in the days ahead.