You may not know this about me, but I’ve always had a heart for adoptive families.

This heart has come from being with the many adopted teens who have lived with us at Heartlight over the years. As a result, we’ve come to learn quite a bit about why some adopted teens struggle.

I used to think the struggles were because of the adoption agencies. But here’s what I’ve learned: it doesn’t matter where your child comes from. How your adopted teen views his or her situation shifts dramatically when they enter the teen years and start to think abstractly, rather than simply relying on the concrete answers you’ve given them in the past. At a certain age, they begin to ask questions and view their adoption differently, and it just so happens that around the same time, they’re desperately seeking for a place where they belong.

In this article, I’ll help parents of adopted teens discover what adoption feels like from their teen’s perspective and how they can help them make it through the turbulent teen years.

When Everything Changes

For most adopted teens, there’s a mysterious question about where they came from. Girls tend to ask these questions a little bit sooner than boys do. Girls want to know who their birth mother is, while a lot of guys don’t think they need to know until much later in life. But whether they express their curiosity about where they came from or not, all adopted teens have experienced a loss that we sometimes overlook.

I know many adopted teens who love their adopted parents deeply and are glad they have their family, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a loss from missing out on their family of origin. They don’t know where they’re from, and when teens start the middle school years, they begin thinking: “Where was I from? Why don’t people like me? Why can’t I get along? Why don’t I look like my parents or siblings?”

It’s okay for them to ask. It’s healthy for teens to ask these questions. But the issue usually comes in when parents give them the same old answer, saying, “Well, why would you be questioning us? We adopted you into our family. You have a better life with us.”

That’s not what your teens are asking.

They’re asking for a deeper understanding about who they are and where they fit into the world. This is a normal process every teen goes through, but for adopted teens, it’s more complicated and just one more thing they have to deal with.

What I’ve Learned from a Thousand Adopted Teens

I tell parents all the time: The good things about your teen’s adoption don’t erase their feelings of loss or abandonment. If you ignore that loss, you’ll miss your teen’s heart.

One thing that really hurts adopted teens is labeling. Whenever a parent introduces their child as, “This is my adopted child,” they already feel a little bit out of it, and you’re adding another layer of complexity that doesn’t need to be there.

Scripture tells us that we’re adopted into God’s family, and He calls us co-heirs with Christ. So, if you’re introducing your teen, just say, “This is my son,” or “This is my daughter.”

Here’s just a side note I’ve got to mention: When our adopted teens come from another country, consider if changing their name is the best option. This causes so many teens to question their identity when they shouldn’t have to. One young lady from Kazakhstan said to me, “My adoptive family didn’t want me to have my name anymore, and it made me question my worth.” I think many parents are just so excited about the adoption that they don’t really think about how the child might feel.

Questions They’re Asking (Even If They Don’t Say Them Out Loud)

After spending decades with teens at Heartlight, and interviewing teens, I’ve heard just about everything you can imagine! Here are some questions that run through the minds of adopted teens:

• Do I really belong in this family?
• Am I more like my parents of origin?
• Do I have these problems because of my birth mom or dad?
• What would happen if I met my birth mom?
• Is there something wrong with me to make my parents give me up?
• Will everyone else abandon me also?

These questions can feel overwhelming for parents and teens. Remember this: Your teen isn’t necessarily asking you to solve all their problems or answer all these questions. In fact, there may be no answer available. But they do want you to listen.

I encourage all parents to let teens ask questions, especially the ones that make you feel uncomfortable. You don’t need to give them an answer. But you do need to let them know it’s okay to ask and be a listening ear when they need it most. Just being available to listen can remedy a lot of the middle school ailments that affect adopted teens.

What Adoptive Parents Need to Know

Here are some thoughts that many adopted teens wished their parents knew:

• I want you to be okay with my loss and my grief.
• I’m wondering about my birth family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
• I need to talk about these things. So, please listen and don’t judge.

When your adopted child reaches the teen years, you need to be willing to go deeper with them in conversation. You’ve got to be able to answer them differently than you did ten years ago when they were young and couldn’t understand the bigger explanations.

First, gently ask questions and listen intently to the answers without defending yourself.

Second, give your teen permission to fall apart. If they’re having a tough time and can’t put it together, let them be disheveled and messy for a little while. But also let them know that you’re there to help pick up the pieces.

Third, affirm your love for your teen, even when it seems like they’re pushing you away. You’ve got to keep moving toward them no matter what they say or do.

Finally, continue to spend time together, do things together, and learn to laugh and talk together. You don’t have to have all the answers, you just have to let your teen know that you are available to help them as they navigate their changing feelings.

The Bottom Line

Hey, moms and dads, your adopted teen is more than likely fighting feelings of rejection from their birth parents, and they don’t even really know why they feel the way they do.

It mostly has to do with the fact that they’re starting to think differently––moving from concrete to abstract thinking––from embracing the facts of the past, to facing the unanswered questions of the future. This is a time that your adopted teens are wrestling with why they were abandoned and given up. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they don’t understand why someone would not want them.

You can be of great help to your teen during this time by showing them that even though someone did indeed give them to you, they were valued enough to become a part of your family. Allow both of these feelings to exist, and allow your teen to wrestle through this thing called adoption. Your love will eventually win over their doubts.