Many parents worry that teens will “hate” them for having rules. But the reality is that teens will always push against the boundaries—it’s just what they do! Household rules, when done properly, provide teens with guardrails they need to make good decisions as they grow into mature adults. In this article, I’ll explain how parents can set boundaries to establish order that teens will see as beneficial.
Propose a List of Things You Want FROM Your Teen
Setting successful household rules is not a unilateral move. It involves the whole family. To get started, have a conversation with your teen. Talk to him about how things are going to look different at home. Explain why you need your teen’s help to make things better. Then focus on a few key things you want. This should not be an exhaustive list. Rather, consider trimming down your list to just five major rules.
Propose a List of Things You Want FOR Your Teen
Getting your teen to see your rules as beneficial means that you need to understand what matters to your teen. Ask your teen what he wants. That way, as you establish boundaries at home, you can explain how your new rules benefit him. It sounds like this: “If you do these five things, I’m going to do these other five things for you!” Then be sure the benefits you’re offering are attractive, so your teen sees the boundaries as good trade. Here are some examples of things you could offer: Later curfew, a new phone (or pay for the plan they have), or permission to borrow the car. You get the idea. Choose something your teen wants. That way, your teen will see the value in keeping your rules.
If your teen is already used to getting everything she wants without having to do anything or follow the rules, then you will need to reset her expectations. As you propose the new boundaries, establish new responsibilities for your teen.
What if Your Teen Continues to Break Boundaries?
Many teens will test the boundaries to find out whether or not Mom and Dad will enforce the consequences. When your teen breaks his part of the deal, you must stick to it! Don’t give your teens what they want if they have not shown you that they are willing to follow the rules. Once teens see that parents will keep their word, most teens begin to cooperate. If your teen doesn’t seem to care whether or not he faces consequences, or whether or not she gets rewards, then perhaps you need to rethink your plan. One option is to reconsider your offer. Perhaps you haven’t identified what motivates your teen. Sit down and talk about what you see. Then ask your teen questions and listen to why they aren’t changing their behavior.
A Few Reminders About Boundaries:
Teens want to be independent. A wise parent will offer more and more freedom as teens get older, by allowing teens the freedom to make choices, within the boundaries. Then, let the boundaries––both and positive and negative consequences––be the authority so that you can focus on your relationship. Remember giving teen’s more freedom doesn’t mean letting teens change the rules or negotiate new terms to get out of the penalty. Avoid overreacting or making excuses for your teen when he breaks the boundaries. Instead, simply enforce the deal you made. That way you can keep your relationship close. Sometimes making changes at home is hard and takes time. Be patient, it’s worth it!
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … your teens want to make choices along the path that you’ve set for them. Psalm 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” The same way God gives you and me choices, parents should let teens make decisions along the path of life that you have set before them––a path that leads to where they want to go. That doesn’t mean you should help your teen crash and burn, if they choose a path of destruction. But it does mean that you should involve your teen in giving you direction as to where they want to go.
Finding out what your teen wants will happen over a series of discussions; it’s not usually tackled in a single chat. It takes time. But the time you take to put together a path will be well worth the investment, as you see your teen participate in working with you to get to a great place.
