When teens violate your deeply held values by making poor choices, it can feel like a massive chasm has opened up in your home. Many parents will struggle to want to move toward teens who are breaking the rules. It can be tempting to lash out in anger in order to retaliate or in an attempt to get a teen to “snap out of it!” I’ve seen the opposite response too. Some parents cave under the embarrassment of their teen’s behavior and fail to take any steps to discipline or respond to their teen.

Remember that Scripture says, in Hebrews 12:11, that “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful; later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

No matter what teens do and how hurtful their behavior becomes, parents need to remember that their relationship with their teen is the most powerful tool they have to help train their teen to make better decisions in the future, and move towards personal responsibility. In this article, I’ll explain how parents should respond to teenaged rebellion, and how to let consequences take effect, without letting it damage their relationship.

Three Key Things to Understand About Rules and Consequences

I’ve seen teens push back against the values they were raised with over and over again. It makes sense when you consider that your teen is still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be in the future. It’s normal to challenge the rules––it’s part of the process. Here are three key things to understand about rules and consequences.

#1. Rules support your family’s values. Rules for teens should not be a laundry list of “dos and don’ts.” Choose a few areas where you want to establish rules that support your expectations around behavior, in order to protect your family’s boundaries and beliefs.

#2. Rules need to be reasonable. Rules are most effectively enforced by reasonable consequences. Take time to think about common sense consequences. Do not make the punishment so severe that your teen feels it’s impossible to start over and try again.

#3. Rules and consequences should be clearly established in advance. Discuss your family’s values and the boundaries beforehand. Teens need to know what’s expected of them and what will happen if they don’t comply.

How to Respond When Teens Break the Rules

Don’t act so surprised when your teen breaks the rules. They’re not perfect and neither were you when you were a teen. Simply let the consequences take effect, without letting it damage your relationship. Let your teen know that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and nothing they can do to make you love them less. So when your teen breaks the rules, here are some tips on how to respond in a way that encourages a healthy, growing relationship.

1. Prioritize love, when you enforce the consequences. Don’t shame your teen when they break the rules. Have compassion on your teen. It’s wise to try to understand how they feel. Take time to talk about these feelings, and be kind. Then let the agreed upon consequences take effect.

2. It’s all about your teen’s choices, not your anger. If you’ve established the rules and consequences, then your teen already knew what would happen when they broke the rule. They made that choice. So calmly point out the obvious. You will hurt the relationship by lashing out in anger. Remember, it’s not your mood or “retaliation” that is the punishment. You are enforcing the reasonable consequences for their choices.

3. Never stop loving your teen! Retracting your love or pulling away from the relationship with your teen should never be a consequence. Don’t make the lesson “hit home” by taking away your love, time, or attention.

4. Affirm the relationship while letting the lesson take effect. Look for ways to connect with your teen even while the consequence is happening. For example, don’t create consequences that keep your teen from spending time with you and the family. This is when your teen needs you the most. So make time regularly to check in with your teen and talk about how they are feeling.

Encouragement for Parents:

You’re not a failure because your teen makes a poor decision. Be sure to focus on the issues that caused the rule breaking in the first place, rather than just the behavior. Don’t take it personally. Don’t be so hurt or offended by your teen’s behavior that you back off. Instead, ask yourself, “Why is my teen motivated to do what they do?” Move towards your teen even when you don’t feel like it. Perhaps your teen is violating the values they’ve been taught because they are trying to meet the deep needs in their heart. It’s your job to get to know your teen, deepen your relationship, so that they can share their heart with you. Remember, your relationship with your teen is the most important thing.

Conclusion

Your teens are at the age when they need to start taking control of their own lives in order to develop a strong sense of self-responsibility, which eventually produces maturity. That’s the goal! You can help them by constructing rules and effective consequences for not following the rules. You can inspire appropriate behavior with rewards that motivate your teen to make good choices, knowing if they don’t, they’ve already chosen their “medicine.” It’s their choice. During this process, you can continue to love your teen—not get angry—move toward them, and love them in spite of the poor choices they will make. Let the consequences teach the lesson, that way, you don’t have to lecture and scold. Your job, as a parent of a teen, is to train them up––to help them see the reality of their choices and the impact they will make on thier own life.

Meanwhile, you should focus on deepening your relationship with your teen as you work through life’s challenges together. I promise, your teen will love you for giving them control of their life and training them to be responsible. It’s time for you to let go, and for them to take control of their lives.