There are few experiences more life-changing than adopting a child into your growing family. But even in a healthy home, adopted children can still grapple with nagging questions and unresolved pain. In this article, I’ll outline practical steps that parents can take when adoption sparks a crisis at home.
Why Adoptive Parents Might Have a Crisis in the Teen Years
Even when adopted kids have been happily nestled at home for years, things can change in the teen years. Kids move from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. This normal shift causes adopted teens to ponder why things have happened to them. So instead of simply accepting that they were chosen to be part of your family, some teens may feel rejected and abandoned by their birth parents, and uncover a sense of loss. When boys and girls hit puberty, they start to wonder about their birth parents, and what might have been. This sense of loss can lead many teens to act out in a variety of ways, including inappropriate sexual relationships, depression, isolation, drug and alcohol use, and angry outbursts.
What Adoptive Parents Need to Know
1. Your messed up family is normal. Sometimes adoptive parents envision a “perfect” family, but no family is perfect, and all teens go through tough times. Your family has been grafted together by God, but that doesn’t mean you are immune from problems like any other family. In fact, your adopted teen’s sense of loss may be more pronounced and it’s coming at a time when all teens compare themselves to others and are desperately seeking to fit in.
2. You can trust God, even in the hard times. You may feel overwhelmed and clueless because of your teen’s painful feelings and inappropriate behavior, but God can handle it. Even if your hands are full, God’s hands are not. God created adoption and loves to bring families together. Trust Him to care for your family, in the good and bad times.
3. This crisis as an opportunity. There can be many different reasons why some teen’s struggle, but when your world is rocked by your teen’s behavior, you can look for the opportunity to make much-needed changes. This challenge may lead to the personal and spiritual growth you have prayed for. You may need to reconstruct how you raise your teens; and it may be hard work. But see this as your opportunity to let your son or daughter know they are loved, no matter what!
Practical Steps to Take When Adoption Sparks a Crisis
1. Listen. Your teen needs to feel safe and heard. Reflect back on what you hear your teen say and ask questions to go deeper with your teen. Resist the urge to immediately “fix” their problems and tell them where they went wrong. Instead, simply make yourself available to listen to your teen’s pain and loss.
2. Get a counselor for your teen. If your teen is having trouble opening up to you, they might benefit from talking through their story with someone else. Another adult may help your teen open up, so you can find out what they are thinking about.
3. Get a support group for yourself. You and I were not meant to go through life alone. Many parents of adopted teens struggle, but you don’t have to go through this journey in isolation. You will find support, ideas, and encouragement by gathering with adoptive parents. Find an official support group, or just get together with a group of friends who will talk to you and pray for you.
4. Get outside help quickly! At Heartlight we see many adopted teens whose lives have gone out of control. Like other teens, adopted teens struggle with loss, out of control feelings, and inappropriate behavior, and they need help. If the crisis is really bad, get help right away!
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … remember when you brought your child home for the first time? There was an excitement and joyous celebration for what God had provided for your family. The preciousness of this new child was overwhelming! Just because you are going through a tough time with your adopted teen doesn’t mean God has left the building. Your teen is just as precious as the day that you brought them home. God knew this teen was going to need some special attention when they reached adolescence and that’s why he chose you to be this teen’s parent.
Believe me when I says: this crisis is temporary. The struggle will pass. In time, your teen will realize the beauty of having you as a parent, as they assess all the thoughts bouncing around in their heads. So keep the relationship strong, even when you want to walk away in frustration. God has not forgotten you or your family.
