Constant fighting results in exhausted parents, exasperated teens, and strained relationships. In the early years, parenting is all about teaching and correction. But as your teen grows up meaningful change is made through relationships. So how can parents know when to push and when to back off? In this article, I’ll share practical advice to help parents determine what’s worth fighting for and what they need to let go.

Why Are Parents Fighting With Teens for Control?

I can hear some moms and dads out there saying, “If I don’t make my teenager do this … they will mess up everything!” Many parents think if they back off, teens will spin out of control. So they continue to correct and critique their teens, until they drive them out of their lives! I’m not saying these parents don’t mean well. I applaud parents who want to do a good job. But there needs to be wisdom applied to each situation in order to decide what makes a fight worth the effort and time. Sometimes, in the relentless pursuit of perfection, parents inadvertently sacrifice precious time that could be used to connect with their teens and build up their relationship, rather than battling for control.

Here’s the problem: If you and your teen are both willing to “go to the mattresses” over every issue, all the time, the result will be increased tension, constant irritation, out of control anger, and frustration at home. If every issue is a “hill you are willing to die on,” then your teen will become overwhelmed, and stop listening to you. Parents who turn every discussion into a heated debate risk losing influence in their teens’ lives, and on the things that really matter. Teens who feel like they can’t speak up without getting cut down, or they can’t make any decisions about their own life, will become frustrated and seek a way to strike out on their own.

How to Determine What’s Worth Fighting For

Every parent and teen I meet says they want a closer relationship. They want to enjoy emotional safety at home. So in order to make this possible, parents need to understand why they are fighting and only engage in conflict when it’s something worth fighting for.

1. Take stock of the issues that frequently spark an argument. Take a break from the fighting to think about what you are arguing about. What sparks conflict with your teen? Is it about rules, respect, chores, or grades? Make an inventory of the most fought-over topics in your home right now. Then prioritize the issues that matter the most.

2. Ask yourself these questions. Which issues have the greatest long-term consequences? Which battles will fade, or naturally work themselves out, as your teen matures? Which fights might eventually cause you to lose your relationship with your teen? What matters the most to your teen’s heart-maturity?

3. If there are issues that are not essential, consider backing off. Being willing to drop an issue doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, you are communicating something very powerful and important to your teen: “Our relationship is more important than my preferences.”

Here are a few issues that aren’t worth the fight: making the bed, manners, music preferences, and personal style. These can all be good things. But they don’t get to the heart of your teen’s growth and development. For example, if your teenaged son won’t clean up his room––let it go. Someday his future roommate or wife will motivate that change. This is an area of conflict you should back away from. If your daughter prefers clothes that you think are just plain ugly, remember, “this too shall pass.” I don’t meet a lot of 30-year-olds who still dress like they did in high school. Style change. Teens grow up! So unless the issue violates your family’s values, don’t spend your precious time and energy nit-picking your teen.

Encouragement for Parents

Some things may not be worth fighting about, but they can still be annoying. You need to know what you value and stick to it, without getting caught up in bickering. The important thing to focus on is creating a pleasant place to live together, without fighting over irritating issues. Instead of focusing on what your teen is doing wrong, think of ways to encourage and affirm your teen in what she is doing well. Teens who only hear criticism will feel like the whole world has turned against them.

To get some perspective, ask your teen what they think about what you fight about. Find out what they think are “non-essential” issues. Have an open discussion, listen to your teen, and be willing to consider their point of view. Then, pray for clarity. Ask God to help you work through the conflict and deepen your relationship with your teen. If you are struggling, get a support system for yourself. Find someone else who can listen to your concerns and offer you godly guidance that encourages you to draw closer to your teen.

Conclusion

We fight for every hill when our kids are in their preteen years. We typically take full advantage of every opportunity to steer them in the right direction and let them know how they can improve. When your kid reaches the teen years, you need to know that it’s time to back off.  Some of the things you’ve been trying to instill in your kid just aren’t as important. Your job is to pass over the responsibility to your teen, little by little, until they are able to take control of their own lives. They won’t do everything the way you’d prefer. But you can’t and shouldn’t control everything.

If you spend all of your time correcting your teen, there’s less time to do some connecting. Your relationship is more important than making sure your teen is doing what you think is  “right” all the time. That means you need to take stock of what’s important, what’s valuable for the future, and what will be the focus of your parenting during these fleeting years.