Most teens wrestle with their identity, trying to figure out how to fit in. The adolescent years are a time of experimentation, when teens hope to discover what they believe and a sense of belonging. While some of this is a normal part of growing up, it can also signal hidden struggles that require attention. Some teens work hard to project an ideal image while privately battling shame, guilt, or depression. This disconnect between their public persona and private reality is a sign that they’re leading a “double life” that requires your attention and understanding. In this article, I’ll give parents some peace of mind about this process, as well as tools they need to respond, as I share about the “double life” of teens.

Why Your Teen May Act Differently at Home

Teens naturally adapt their behavior to fit in with their social settings––we all do this. But their world is particularly void of deep personal relationships. They communicate differently than we did at their age and spend hours online interacting with social media––which has an “opportunity cost” of face-to-face time with others. While they long for deep connections, most teens will not get that sought after relationship.

Parents may remember when high school was the all about the jocks, the cheerleaders, the smoke-hole kids, and the marching band members. Today, because of the exposing nature of the internet, teens have the opportunity to see, experience, and participate in many different groups, and you’ll see both sides at home. Don’t fret over the difference in the way they act or appear, as long as it doesn’t violate your family’s values. Your daughter may be one way at home, and then appear seductive and affectionate when she gets around boys. Your son may be polite and well-mannered at home, and then when he’s out on a Friday night, he becomes a “tough guy” who presents himself to be somewhat rebellious. They are navigating an intensely image-conscious world where fitting in feels like survival.

I received a frantic email a while back from a parent who said, “We just found out that our daughter––who is obedient, kind and has good grades––is smoking pot behind our backs. What do we do?” While shocking, this scenario isn’t uncommon. Parents are often blindsided when they discover their seemingly well-adjusted teen has been hiding significant aspects of their life. While many teens present different versions, certain behaviors may indicate more serious, hidden struggles. So consider these signs:

• Does your teen appear “perfect” on the surface, but show signs of internal turmoil?
• Are you noticing elaborate efforts to conceal or lie about certain behaviors?
• Does your teen insist everything is “fine,” despite evidence suggesting otherwise?

What’s a Parent To Do?

1. Ask Questions. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask your teen questions to get to the heart of their behavior. Since all behavior is goal-oriented, there is a reason your teen is acting one way at home and another way at school or online. Take time to consider what kind of messages you are conveying to your teen about mistakes and failure. If a teen believes perfection is the only acceptable standard, they’ll go to extraordinary lengths to hide their struggles. Ask your teen if they feel pressure to perform and listen to what they say. Investigate the underlying causes, rather than just addressing behavior. As your teen opens up, focus on understanding your teen’s heart rather than maintaining appearances. Create an atmosphere at home where mistakes are allowed. Communicate that your love and support aren’t conditional.

2. Address the differences you see. Your relationship with your teen is your most powerful tool for guidance and influence. However, maintaining a strong connection doesn’t mean overlooking concerning behaviors. Let your teen know you’re aware of what’s happening—just not in an angry, critical, or shaming way. Mention that you see something different. Share your expectations and boundaries. If your teen is violating your rules, despite reasonable consequences, it may be necessary to remove them from a problematic situation. That might look like removing them from social media for a time, or even taking them out of a toxic school environment. Keep in mind, addressing your teen’s behavior isn’t about punishment, but about creating space for your teen to reflect and reset.

If your teen resists opening up to you, professional help may be necessary. Effective counselors can reach teens in ways parents find challenging, especially when teens are actively concealing significant struggles. You might need to “help” your teen attend counseling sessions by taking away privileges until they agree to go and rewarding your teen when they participate. Don’t give up until you find out why your teen is leading a “double life,” and deal with the underlying issues.

3. Affirm your relationship. Move toward your teen, not away, even when they’re facing consequences for inappropriate behavior. Your consistent relationship, even in tough times,  affirms your unconditional love and helps teens to open up about what’s really going on. Set a regular time to talk one-on-one, without distractions. Take your teen out for a coffee, ice cream, or a meal and start up a conversation. As you navigate the teen years together, your teen will develop the confidence to reveal their authentic self. Your reliable presence creates the safe harbor teens desperately need—a place where they can be themselves, no matter what struggles they are facing.

Conclusion

Your teen may be a bit “fickle” during these years. It’s all a part of the process of moving from childhood to adulthood. It’s the “in-between” years when teens challenge the values taught at home when alternatives are being presented, and new feelings and longing are beginning to express themselves. It’s natural for teens to act one way around Mom and Dad, and another way when they are online or at school.

Remember, all behavior is goal-oriented. If your teen acts one way around you, there’s a reason behind it. If they act differently around their peers, that’s for a different reason. Teens don’t always ‘get it right.’ They’ve been exposed to more and experienced more, but they often lack the depth of relationships with peers where ‘iron sharpens iron’—where a friend has the ability to ‘sharpen’ your teen. During this time, it’s crucial to ensure communication is happening and to continually reassure them of your love and support. Find out why your teen is not comfortable in their own skin—why they’re not comfortable being who they really are. Those discussions will help them discover who they really are. As they grow and change, keep expressing your love, even when you don’t agree with some of their thoughts or behavior. Your love during this time has the greatest potential for influence, so make sure they know of it.