Your teens have already achieved many exciting maturity milestones––from their first steps, first words, to their first day at school. But during the teen years, the rapid progress can slow down, or even stop. Instead of pushing towards independence, some teens revert back to dependance and disrespect. How can parents encourage teens to grow and mature? The secret is setting rules and consequences in the home that foster freedom, responsibility, and respect in your teen. But it’s not easy. Today’s teens are growing up in a culture that constantly challenges those in positions of power. They do not respect authority in the way that you and I were taught to, and they have access to information that undermines their respect for authority figures.
So how can parents encourage respect in a disrespectful world? In this article, I’ll give parents the tools they need to set appropriate boundaries and get a positive response from their teens—and I’ll start with what not to do.
1. Don’t step in to fix the irresponsibility or poor choices of your teen.
Moms and dads are used to swooping in to save their children from harm. That’s a good thing when they are very young. But as they grow up they need to take on more responsibility. Of course they will still make mistakes. If they come to you to solve a problem––don’t! Instead, hand the problem back to your teen to solve. Let them work it out on their own and develop their own problem-solving skills, by asking what they think they should do, or if there is another way to handle the situation. But, let your teen struggle with and experience the consequences of their choices. They need to know that it’s up to them whether the results of their behavior will be good or bad. The sooner your teen makes the connection between their choices and the outcome, the less likely they will make a choice that drastically changes their life.
You can encourage good choices by setting clear boundaries and enforcing reasonable consequences. Once you’ve established the behaviors you want to see at home, simply follow through on the consequences. Don’t be surprised when your teen messes up, just explain the penalty for their choices, and move on. Teens learn respect as they learn consequences. Contrary to popular belief, teens do not respect people who let them get away with their nonsense. Wise parents will let teens consider the results and connect the dots to see how their behavior impacts their quality of life.
2. Stop giving them everything!
Parents who continually meet their teen’s financial demands fail to realize that they are unwittingly postponing their teen’s development into a responsible and mature adult. Let the demanding teen know that it’s time to take more responsibility for what they want or need. Withholding things from teens is not a punishment, it is an opportunity for them to mature. Little by little parents should hand their teens the power to make choices, and at the same time hold them responsible for their choices.
Over the years, I’ve met with too many parents who have given their teens everything they wanted, and they ended up with what I call “a clown on the couch.” If your teen is unmotivated, unemployed, and underperforming, don’t simply shrug and let them sit there playing video games! Ask your teen what they want out of life and require them to be responsible for their life choices.
3. Show your teen respect.
It’s hard to give respect to someone who is violating your rules and your values. When teens throw “tantrums” and lash out verbally at the whole family, you may be tempted to treat your teen like a petulant toddler and send them to their room. But no matter what your teen is doing, start by showing them respect. Know your boundaries—what you will and won’t allow—and don’t tolerate your boundaries being crossed. Treat your teen like the grown-up they are becoming. When a teen acts in childish ways, do not treat them like a child. Hold your teen accountable for their behavior. Be the example you want your teen to follow.
If your teen has lost respect for you because of YOUR poor choices in the past, the way to earn back their respect is by acknowledging your mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Remember that your teen is watching how you treat others. Are you critical of others? Do you disrespect your boss? If you need to make changes to set a better example, start by identifying your problematic behavior, apologize, explain how you will make changes, and follow through. Your course correction shows your teen that they can make positive changes too.
4. Watch for ways your teen is growing in maturity and respect, then reward them.
Even when progress is slow, you can cheer on your teen. Tell them how you see them growing and making better decisions. Give verbal encouragement. It may look like small steps, but steps in the right direction matter. Give a pat on the back, a word of encouragement, or a reward that acknowledges steps toward maturity. When your teen takes on a new responsibility, such as earning money or paying for their phone or gas money, you can celebrate with a surprise gift such as spending money or dinner out together to motivate your teen to keep growing.
Conclusion
The world of social media, news, and 24/7 information has tainted the way our teens view all of those who are in authority. You don’t have to go far to see the criticism and condemnation of some once well-respected positions of influence and inspiration. No wonder a teen’s perspective of “respect” is a little skewed. That’s where you come in! You hold the key to giving them a taste of what it’s like to have a blameless and selfless authority in their life––one that is looking out for their interest. This won’t change the way they view the world and all of its hypocrisy, but it will give your teens a chance to see a living example of someone to be respected and treasured. It’s this respectful relationship with you that will usher in new opportunities to have a positive influence on the life of your teen.
