It’s uncomfortable to even think that some teens would resort to intentionally inflicting pain on themselves by cutting, marking, or even starvation. But self-harm encompasses a broad range of harmful behaviors that signal that something deeper is going on inside. Sadly, becoming increasingly prevalent among teens, and parents need to understand what it looks like and why it happens. In this article, I’ll explain the signs of self-harm and offer guidance on how to respond when teens use it as a way to cope.

Understanding Self-Harm in Teens

More teens today are turning to “cutting” and other forms of self-harm to deal with their feelings of pain and isolation, or to punish themselves for their mistakes. The self-inflicted pain releases a flood of emotions trapped inside a hurting teen. But it may be different than parents imagine. Self-harm can look like cutting, anorexia or bulimia, using irons to burn oneself, brandings, and even painful piercings. Boys and girls tend towards different expressions of self-harm. For example, boys may bang their head against a wall or kick something, while girls are more likely to secretly cut their arms and legs and hide the marks under their clothes. While these actions are disturbing, parents need to know that all behavior is goal oriented. It’s being done on purpose to release pent up emotions or numb out-of-control emotional pain. Bottom line: Self-harm is a cry for help.

How Parents Can Help Teens Struggling With Self-Harm

1. Respond with grace and compassion. When parents discover that their teens are engaging in self-harm, the natural response may be a feelings of repulsion, panic, or fear. But a negative reaction can make the problem worse by reinforcing feelings a teen has carried for years, causing them to withdraw further into their own negative thoughts. Don’t simply say: “stop doing that!” Instead, motivate your teen with positive parenting tools. Respond with grace, compassion in the same way Jesus looked on people with compassion and said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

2. Find out WHY they’re cutting or self-harming. It’s not always a sign of somebody who is suicidal. It’s more often a sign of a teen who is frustrated, full of anxiety, extremely depressed, and is taking it out on themselves rather than on others. But there may also be teens who turn to cutting or other self-harm because of experimentation, intrigue, to exert their independence, or even showing off to shock people. This kind of rebellion, self-punishment, or distraction as a coping skill is a serious mental health issue that needs appropriate attention.

3. While the behavior must stop, reassure your teen that you will love them no matter what. As you acknowledge what is happening, find out why, and seek help—be sure to also express clearly to your teen that you love them. Let them know that you will be with them, side by side, as they get past this tough time. Your teen needs your strength and love more than ever.

4. Seek counsel. It’s time to get help. When a teen gets to the point that they’re self-harming, it’s usually because they can’t express themselves verbally, they feel like nobody’s paying attention, they have a low self-image, or are punishing themselves. They need help to find new ways to express their feelings. It’s important to find a therapist who understands the motivation behind this behavior and how people got themselves in that position. You may also want to find a group of parents who are experiencing similar problems, where you can talk and share stories and encouragement. Having a place where you and your teen can share openly and hear from others who have overcome these challenges will help you both see that there is hope for a better tomorrow.

5. Work on having a healthy relationship with your teen. When you discover your teen is self-harming, it’s likely that trust is low and the relationship with your teen is strained. So now is the time to work on building back trust by spending time together. This is not a problem for your teen to figure out on their own. You need to step up and intentionally make time for open conversations, as well as times of relaxation and fun where you don’t have to focus on the problems. It’s your role, as a parent, to make the first move towards your teen. Do your best to create an atmosphere at home that allows connection and time together without condemnation. Your relationship communicates to your teen that they are loved––a message they desperately need now.

6. Develop a system of accountability. As you address self-harm it’s appropriate and necessary to check on your teen. Look at their arms and legs, check them for marks, and pay attention to their behavior. Don’t make it a punishment, simply explain to your teen that accountability is a part of healing and building back trust.

7. Do whatever you have to do ensure your teen’s safety. You need to keep your teen safe even if they get frustrated and angry. Your teen needs you!

Conclusion

Remember, all behaviors are goal oriented, and everything your teen does is for a reason. Cutting and self-harm are no exception. If your teen is punishing themselves for not measuring up by cutting, then you need to have a long discussion to clarify your expectations and find out why they feel such pressure to perform. If their motivation is a cry for help, then open up deeper conversations about their pain. Self-harm is often a way to express feelings your teen is not able to express verbally, so find a good therapist who understands the motivations behind self-harm to help your teen.

Whatever the reason, self-harm is an action that cannot be ignored. It is rooted in distorted thinking and often a desperate attempt to find relief from emotional pain. Understanding the root cause and learning healthier coping strategies requires support and guidance. As a parent, your role is to stay connected with your teen as they navigate the process of discovering new ways to cope with life’s challenges