Parents who struggle with their older teens are desperately looking for answers to explain their teen’s behavior. They ask question such as: “Why does my teen do what he does?” and “What can I do to stop the downward spiral?” In this article, I’ll help parents understand their older teens and find hope during the often-turbulent teenaged years.
3 Things to Know About Struggling, Older Teens
(1) Lectures don’t work. Your older teen does not want to be treated like a little kid. The reality is, they are growing more independent and should be taking responsibility for their own decisions. So lectures from Mom and Dad aren’t the solution. “I told you so” parenting may work for the first 12 years of a child’s life, but when he becomes a teen, especially when he reaches 17-, 18-, and 19-years old, parents need to shift from lecturing to discussions. Constantly talking “at” your older teen may cause him to shut down, push back, or walk away! Stop talking at your teen and start asking him questions. Learn to listen to what your teen says, and whatever it is, don’t immediately correct them. Instead, ask questions. Find out what they think. Aren’t you a little curious anyways?
(2) Let consequences be the guide. Set up boundaries for what kind of behavior you expect in your home, establish reasonable consequences, and then let them take effect. Your teen needs to take responsibility for her own life. When your teen crosses a line, resist the urge to rescue her from the consequences and don’t make excuses! Proverbs 19:19 says, “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.”
If you have laid out the consequences, and your teen is still acting out or pretending that the consequences don’t matter, then you need rethink your penalties. Take away something your teen really cares about. For example, being grounded at home may not motivate your teen, especially if their room is filled with video games, time to brood, and a phone. You may need to strengthen your consequences, perhaps you should take away your teen’s phone or car privileges for a month. Whatever you decide are the consequences for breaking your rules, they need to be “painful” enough to get your teen’s attention. Consequences shouldn’t feel good––that’s the point! C.S. Lewis said, “pain is God’s megaphone.” Chances are when your teen feels the consequences, she’ll come to you for wisdom.
(3) Your older teen needs you more than ever. Yes, your teen is becoming more independent, but he still needs you, especially now when he’s on the wrong path. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.” No matter what your teen does, a wise parent will prioritize the relationship. You do not have to affirm your teen’s behavior, support his poor choices, or participate in the stuff that is inappropriate. But do not withdraw your love.
Let your teen know that there is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less. Keep the relationship! If your teen has moved out, you can still love your teens and invite them to spend time at home with you, or take them out to eat. Maintaining and growing your relationship is what’s important.
What if Outside Help is Needed for Your Older Teen?
Sometimes teens need outside help to correct their way of thinking and work through the thoughts they struggle with. If all the ways you’ve tried to help are not working, and you are concerned that your teen is on a dangerous path, then it’s time to get outside help. Enlist a therapist. Find a counselor to talk to your teen. You may also consider a change of location. Sometimes a new environment––moving in with a friend or relative––is what your teen needs to make a fresh start. If these repairs aren’t working, perhaps it’s time for a residential program like Heartlight.
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads …teens struggle. They all do in some form or fashion. The issue becomes whether that struggle starts to control their life and motivate inappropriate behavior. Usually the struggle is centered around the difficulty teens have in taking what they know to be true and engaging in a world that appears to be contrary to what they’ve been taught. Rarely do I ever meet teens who want to be mean. Never do I meet teens who strive to be out of control. And never have I met a teen who says, “I hope to hate my parents when I’m 30 years old.” They all want to have their life together––they just don’t know how. Your teen probably isn’t being rebellious. Chances are she’s just lost. The right response is to help your older teen at this time when they need you the most. It’s called grace and it’s something every teen needs now and then.