When your teen and your spouse don’t see eye-to-eye, do you feel caught in the middle? What can you do when the strain of raising a teen is negatively impacting your marriage?

Over the years at Heartlight, we’ve welcomed thousands of families who arrive worn out, feeling hopeless and lonely. Dad is deflated because he can’t fix the problem, and Mom is a mess because her efforts aren’t working. When a teen is spinning out of control and parents don’t know how to handle the conflict at home, relationships are stretched to the breaking point.

In this article, I’ll explain how teen troubles can push parents apart, and I’ll offer practical ways you and your spouse can come together to get through this challenging time.

What a Parent Experiences When Teens Struggle

When a teen becomes disruptive, disrespectful, dishonest, and disobedient—displaying intense anger and pushing back against everything you’ve taught—it creates a perfect storm of emotions. Understanding your own emotions is the first step toward not letting them control your marriage. Here’s what many parents experience when teens are struggling.

(1) Loss—of the sweet innocent child you once knew. There’s a profound sense of loss when you realize your child has changed. You’ve lost the little one who used to look up to you, who believed everything you said, and who wanted to spend time with you. That sweet child has been replaced by an angry, defiant teen. It takes intentionality to work through this pain.

(2) Grief—that your values have been violated. The values you’ve been instilling in your teen for years are now being violated right before your eyes. It’s not just disappointing—it feels like something has died. You’re mourning the future you envisioned for your teen, the path you thought they’d take, the person you hoped they’d become. You taught them right from wrong, you modeled good behavior, you took them to church, and now they’re doing the exact opposite of everything you taught them. That grief is overwhelming.

(3) Betrayal—because after everything you’ve done, your teen has turned against you. You invested your life pouring into this child with love, sacrifice, and devotion. You gave up things you wanted so they could have what they needed. Now it feels like they’ve turned their back on everything you stand for. That sense of betrayal cuts deep.

(4) Manipulated—because your teen is playing one parent against the other. Teens are master manipulators. When you’re exhausted and emotional, they know how to exploit any crack in your united front. They’ll tell Mom one thing and Dad another. They’ll go to whichever parent is more likely to say “yes.” Don’t underestimate your teen’s willingness to drive a wedge between you and your spouse to get what he wants! Before you know it, you’re not just dealing with a struggling teen—you’re fighting with each other about how to handle that teen.

(5) Anger! Above everything else, there’s a deep, persistent anger. You’re angry at your teen for making poor choices. You’re angry at yourself for not preventing this. You might even be angry at your spouse for how they’re handling things. You’re angry at how unfair it all feels and angry that this is happening to your family. When you combine loss, grief, betrayal, manipulation, and anger—that’s a recipe for disaster in any marriage.

The stress that loss, grief, betrayal and manipulation put on a marriage is immense! The exhaustion of dealing with a needy teen takes all the energy away from working on a marriage relationship. But I promise your marriage is worth fighting for.

Ideas for Getting Through This Together

Many couples become so consumed with managing the crisis that they feel like they have nothing left to give each other. Every conversation revolves around what went wrong today and what consequence needs to happen next. You stop going on dates. You stop having fun together. You fall into bed exhausted each night, wake up tired, and start the whole cycle over again. Before you know it, you’ve become roommates who happen to share a struggling teen—not partners who love and support each other. Even though you’re living together, you’re living separate lives, united only by your shared stress over your teen.

Let me give you some practical ideas to get through this season and come back together as a couple.

(1) Stay unified in your goals, even if your methods differ. When it comes to dealing with your struggling teen, you don’t have to be on the same page, but you do have to be in the same chapter! Moms and dads are different—and that’s okay. You don’t have to be alike or handle everything the same way. Your teen needs both of you to bring your unique perspectives and strengths to the table.

You might discipline differently. You might have different tolerance levels for certain behaviors. You might show love in different ways. That’s all okay, as long as you’re both moving in the same general direction—helping your teen grow into a responsible, mature adult. Being in the same chapter means you don’t undermine each other in front of your teen, you talk things through privately, and present a united front, even when you disagree on the details.

(2) Stop blaming each other. When things go wrong, it’s easy to point fingers. “If you hadn’t been so lenient…” or “If you weren’t so strict…” or “Your side of the family has always had problems.” Just stop. Blaming each other keeps your teen from owning up to his own behavior. When parents are busy fighting, teens slip under the radar and avoid taking responsibility for their choices.
Here’s the truth: It’s not your fault. It’s not your spouse’s fault. It’s your teen’s fault, and it’s time for them to grow up and accept responsibility. Yes, you’ve made mistakes as parents. We all have. But your teen is making their own decisions, and those decisions have consequences. Don’t let them off the hook by turning on each other.

(3) Carve out time to be together (just the two of you). I know this sounds impossible when you’re in crisis mode, but you’ve got to find a place of rest together. Here’s what that looks like.
Set aside time to really talk about what you’re experiencing. Have a deep, honest conversation about the loss, grief, betrayal, and anger you’re both feeling. Don’t assume your spouse knows how you feel. This isn’t about solving problems—it’s about understanding each other. Then, really listen to what your partner is saying and respond with compassion. When your spouse is sharing, don’t interrupt. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t immediately try to fix it. Just listen. Look for the hurt behind the words. Respond with compassion and empathy, not criticism or defensiveness. Remember, you’re on the same team. You’re both hurting. You both want things to get better.

Then, do something fun. It’s okay to go out to eat and talk about something other than your teen. Take a walk together. Work on a project together. Learn to laugh again. Do something you both enjoy that reminds you why you fell in love in the first place. Spending time doing something other than stressing out over your teen will help you both to get perspective and realize that this is a temporary issue. It’s a bump in the road. It’s something that will pass soon. Don’t let it consume every moment of your life.

(4) Remember your spouse is your greatest ally. The person you’ve committed your lifetime to is not your enemy—they’re your partner in this battle. When you’re exhausted and frustrated, it’s easy to lash out at the person closest to you. But that person is also the one who understands better than anyone else what you’re going through. They love your teen too. They’re hurting too. They want things to get better too. Don’t allow your teen’s behavior to control who you are as a couple or how you treat each other. Your teen’s troubles may impact what you do—the boundaries you set, the consequences you enforce, what activities you can participate in—but they shouldn’t control the quality of your marriage or whether you love and support each other.

(5) Get help together if you need it. Don’t be too proud to seek counseling or attend a conference for parents of struggling teens. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to help you see what’s really going on.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … there’s nothing quite like a struggling teen to create distance between a husband and a wife. But do not let the struggle of one ruin the marriage of two. Make a promise to each other to stay focused and get help. Find someone a little older who understands. Find a peer group who can support you during this time. Don’t let a short-term struggle ruin your long-term relationship.

Your teen is watching how you and your spouse handle this crisis. Show them what commitment looks like. Show them what grace looks like. Show them what it means to love someone even when times are tough. One day, when they’re married and facing their own struggles, they’ll remember how you two stuck together through the storm.