November is National Adoption Month! Tens of thousands of kids are adopted every year from the United States and abroad––at birth, from relatives, and from foster care. Over the years at Heartlight, we’ve welcomed adopted teens, many who are struggling to deal with feelings of loss, abandonment, being different, and wanting to know “why.”
They’re great teens who are just trying to figure it all out, and realized the way they’ve dealt with their struggles in the past isn’t working. Adopted kids are a joy and a blessing! But they may also face unique struggles and challenges as teens. In this article, I’ll share “What to Expect” when adopted kids become teens.
Four Challenges to Expect With Adopted Teens
Adopted teens struggle with a tidal wave of strange, new feelings that bubble to the surface during the tumultuous teen years. Ever-changing emotions are a normal part of growing up, but adopted teens have some unique concerns to sort out, because of how they started out in life.
1. Feelings of Loss. You may think you’ve given your adopted teen everything they could possibility need and want. But many adopted teens still feel the loss of a birth parent “giving them up,” regardless of how good things are now. They wonder what their life might have been like if they had not been “given up.” Eventually adopted teens need to learn to accept their home situation the way it is; however, for some that can be a tough road.
2. Feelings of Abandonment. The teen years are about searching for identity and value, and those year can be made harder by feeling abandoned. From an adoptive parent’s perspective, their sons and daughters are “chosen” and greatly “wanted” members of the family. So it hurts that adopted teens may still struggle with the fact that they feel “abandoned.” They may wonder if they’re really wanted, or are “damaged goods.” There is often a deep sense of loneliness for adopted teens, because a biological mom or dad left.
3. Fear of Being Different. Adopted kids begin life a little differently than their peers. While all teens wrestle with fitting in and tend to fuss over the way they look, adopted teens are keenly aware of their differences, especially if they look or sounds a little different from their adoptive family. It doesn’t mean they will always feel like outsiders, but being different does add another layer of concern that will have to be sorted out.
4. Wanting to Know Why. As kids grow up their way of thinking begins to change. They shift from concrete to abstract thinking. That means they stop taking everything Mom and Dad says as “gospel” truth, and they will start asking “why” a lot more than before—and “why” is a BIG deal!
You Have What Your Adopted Teen Needs!
Your adopted teen needs you now more than ever! Their feelings may be overwhelming. You may not have all the answers they seek. But you have what your adopted teen needs! Focus on strengthening your relationship by talking to your teen. They may want to bring up pain from the past as they ask questions, and it may not be easy for you to hear, but I urge you to talk about it anyway. If your teen wants to know more about their birth mom, don’t avoid the questions. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. So don’t make any topic off limits!
Open a conversation, by asking your teen what they think. When you ask their opinion, you are communicating that you value them––whether or not you agree. When they share their thoughts, be sure to respond with compassion, instead of resentment or hurt. Allow your teen to express loss or pain, without brushing them off. As you listen, try to see your teen’s perspective.
Ignoring the past won’t make it go away. Grandparents can be very helpful to adopted teens at this time. They have the time and patience to listen in a way that may be hard for parents. Listening and acknowledging your adopted teens’ hurts will help them heal. So don’t ignore the pain. Instead, face it together, as a family.
Ways to Connect With Your Teen – Adopted or Not
All teens want the same things––to feel accepted, loved, and heard. Here are three simple ways to draw closer to your teen and help successfully navigate the teen years––adopted or not!
1. Meet one-on-one regularly! Make time with your teen a regular priority. Work to make your time together a safe space where your teens can talk to you about anything.
2. Communicate your love! Your teen is getting older and expanding their social circle, but still needs affection from Mom and Dad. So communicate your love. That includes physical touch, hugs, high-fives, as well as verbal expressions and compliments in front of others.
3. Don’t give up! If your teen is having a hard time, it isn’t necessarily a reflection of the quality of your parenting. Teens often struggle. Don’t despair; instead re-double your efforts to connect with your teen. Remember that resolution does not come overnight. Any worthwhile change will come years down the road. God often works out mighty things in these dark years. He can bring joy at the end of the process, if you endure.
Conclusion
Adoption is a wonderful and admirable action taken on by loving people who desire to help a child flourish––to look after orphans in their distress. But when these adopted kids become teens, many times they experience struggles that parents feel unprepared for. Remember that an adopted teen’s perspective is different from their peers. There are real hurts and traumas in their past, and feelings of being abandoned that might follow them throughout adolescence when a sense of “belonging” is paramount. I tell hurting parents all the time, you should “not lean on your own understanding.” Instead, try to look at your teens struggles from their perspective. Give careful consideration to their story and the impact of the trauma surrounding how they started out in life. Don’t assume the past will stay in the past when navigating the turbulent waters of adolescence. Teens are curious. They want to know “why?” So hang in there. With your help, your adopted teen will eventually figure it out and move towards healing and hope!
