Ever wonder why your son or daughter hangs around with a questionable group of friends? Are you worried your teen is being dragged down by his or her peers? While it’s natural to want to protect your teen from bad influences, it’s not always easy to know when your concerns are justified and when it’s just your fear talking.

Meanwhile, there’s a harder question: What if the problem isn’t your teen’s friends, but the choices your teen is making? In this article, I’ll help parents make sense of their teen’s choice of friends and offer some practical ways to determine whether the real issue is the company your teen is keeping or something closer to home.

 What Parents Are Really Worried About

Most parents have felt uncomfortable when meeting their teen’s new friend. Maybe it’s the way they talk, the way they dress, or their reputation that walks in the door. When parents tell me their teen’s friends are “bad news,” they typically mean one of three things.

1. Parents worry these “bad” teens are doing things they don’t want their teen doing.  You know the list–alcohol, drugs, sexual activity–and you know none of these are good for your teen.

2. Parents know that hanging out with troublemakers creates the opportunity and pressure that leads other teens to do the same. A friend doesn’t have to twist anyone’s arm. Just being present when someone is misbehaving is invitation enough.

3. Teens become more like their friends. “Birds of a feather flock together,” and teens have a powerful desire to “fit in.” They’ll do anything to be accepted. It’s often the very thing your teen is chasing, and it’s why he keeps going back to the “wrong crowd” for more.

Take a Closer Look at Your Own Family

Your children will be exposed to things you don’t like. It will happen. This doesn’t mean your job is to prevent all those bad from happening. Proverbs 22:6, says: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Wise parents “train” their children. This can mean intentionally exposing children to difficult tasks and people to prepare them for the day when they will face the world without mom and dad’s supervision.

Overprotection delays or even prevents the training your teen needs to make good choices in the real world. It often shows up when you try to shield your teen from any discomfort or pain. Do you always step in to “help” your teen resolve problems at school or with friends? Does your teens know they can ask you about “taboo” topics? While overprotection looks different in different families, it is almost always rooted in fear. Your job is not to block out the world, but to prepare your teen to handle the world he will eventually live in.

One more thing: before you point a finger at your teen’s friends, it’s worth turning the mirror around. Are you living out the kind of lifestyle and behaviors you want your teen to replicate?

 What If Your Teen’s Friends Really Are Bad News?

After reflecting on your parenting and your personal habits, you may still come to the conclusion that your teen’s friends really are “bad news.” So what should you do? Proverbs 13:20 says, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Romans 5:3-4 adds, “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.” Somewhere in the mix of two verses is the answer — a balance between boundaries and consequences.

I’d encourage parents to allow enough exposure into their teen’s life that it can be used for training, but never to the point that your teen suffers real damage or harm. Your job is to create healthy boundaries and establish clear consequences for violating those boundaries toward the goal of training your teen to be able to regulate his own behavior and make his own choices.

The right rules and consequences look different depending on your teen’s age. A twelve-year-old and an eighteen-year-old need two very different levels of protection. For example, young teens should not be allowed to search for “friends” online or chat with people on social media without supervision. But a 16-year-old should be permitted to make plans with his friends, as long as he checks in, responds appropriately when you ask questions about who, what, when and where these get togethers are happening. If he’s not willing to share details or gets angry when you ask, you’ll know something “fishy” is happening. Set clear boundaries and enforce the rules you’ve laid out. When your teen violates your rules (and he will) simply enforce the consequences you’ve already established. Take the phone, the car, or the privilege. Then extend grace by allowing your teen to try again. That’s training.

A Few Words of Encouragement For Moms, Dads, and Grandparents of Teens

You have what it takes to help your teen identify good friends and make good choices. Here are a few additional steps you can take to protect your teens.

First, make your home a place your teen feels welcome. Teens who feel accepted at home are less likely to go searching for acceptance outside elsewhere. They will be better equipped to resist the “wrong crowd” because they know they have a place of belonging.

Second, spend regular time together. Today’s teens have many “friends” online and few people who genuinely care and will take the time to listen. Find out what he wants, what’s on his mind, what’s in his heart, and what he’s struggling with. If you don’t know, that’s your sign you need more time together, not less.

Third, don’t wait until something is wrong. Establishing trust with your teen before the crisis hits means he’s more likely to hear you out when you express objections. If you notice your teen drifting toward a new crowd that concerns you, open the conversation today.

About Those “Bad” Teens

It’s worth remembering that many of those teens you’ve labeled as “bad” are just good teens making really poor choices. There’s always a reason behind teen behavior. Perhaps those teens are not using wisdom, because they never learned it. It’s also possible they’re just teens acting foolishly and inviting others to do the same. Whatever the case may be, blaming the “bad” teens for your teen’s behavior is the wrong move. Your teen has chosen what he’s chosen for a reason. When you excuse his behavior and pin the blame on others, you miss what’s really happening in his heart and mind.

Conclusion

Hey moms, dads and grandparents … we’ve all, at one time or another, made “bad” choices. We’ve all let our curiosity take us somewhere we didn’t intend to go. My prayer for you is that you would allow enough exposure into your teen’s life to train him to rightly handle the world he lives in, but never to the point that he suffers long term damage or harm. Look inward before you look outward. Build your plan for training your teen, rather than trying to hide him from the world. Then instead of pushing away those “troublemakers,” consider inviting them in. Your influence might be exactly what changes the course of their story.