“Whatever.” “I don’t care.”

Mom, Dad if you regularly hear this response from your teen, you’re not raising a monster — you’re raising a normal teenager who needs your help. Teens are selfish. You were selfish once too. Adolescence is simply the season when that selfishness is supposed to break down, as teens learn to care about something besides themselves. But when selfishness and apathy don’t seem to be going away, parents and grandparents get concerned. I call it the “empathy deficit,” and some teens have caught a bad case of it.

In this article, I’ll explain why apathy shows up in teens, what’s often hiding behind the facade, and what parents can do to help teens start caring again.

What Teen Apathy Looks Like

An apathetic teen can be sullen and silent, or just as easily seem pleasant while caring about very little beyond himself. Sometimes the indifference comes out as a flat statement. “I don’t care,” may be spoken out loud or written all over his face. Other times, you might notice that discipline rolls right off your teen’s back, and no consequence you hand out seems to make a dent. The hobbies and interests that once lit him up may sit untouched for weeks. He may also grow so wrapped up in himself that other people’s needs barely register. Apathetic teens just don’t seem to care about anything beyond themselves.

Frustrated Parents

Apathy in teens creates frustration in a parent, and for good reasons. Moms and dads still care about disciple, attitude, school, and grades, even when teens don’t. When a teen who was once engaging and talkative loses interest in the things she once loved, her parents are left confused by the distant teen now living in their home. It’s painful for parents to watch a teen’s potential waste away because he won’t stop playing video games or take part in normal activities he once loved.

I understand the frustration. But here’s what I tell parents: we created this. For the first twelve years of a teen’s life, we rotate our whole world around him. We do everything for him and he knows he has us wrapped around his little finger. Then adolescence hits, he heads off to middle school, and discovers he’s not the only little prince or princess in the world. He starts to lose, starts to struggle, and it rattles him. That struggle is the beginning of a good and necessary breaking: the breaking of a lifelong habit of letting the world revolve around himself.

Selfishness is Nothing New

There’s an old story that captures this perfectly. A young man convinces his father to hand over his portion of the family inheritance, then runs off and squanders every dime of it. Eventually he’s flat broke, feeding pigs, and eating what they eat. Scripture says at this point, he finally “came to his senses.” Most people can know the story of The Prodigal Son, but few can tell you the six words that come right before he wakes up: “but no one gave him anything.” That’s what did it. Not more money. Not more chances. Less.

The problem is that too often, we do the opposite. We give our teens more just for getting older. We give them more allowance, more freedom, and more stuff then they actually need, when we should be giving them less. Handing your teen less means giving him more responsibility to make life happen for himself.

Reminders About Apathy

When you’re staring down a teen who acts like he doesn’t care about anything, keep a few things in mind. First, look behind your teen’s apathy, because there’s a reason for it. He may not be saying anything out loud, but he may be shouting something non-verbally. He might be saying, “I’m scared, so I turned to something else so I wouldn’t have to think about it.” Or, “I’m tired.” Or, “I’m hiding things from my parents, and I don’t know how to tell them the truth.” Apathy is rarely the whole story, so keep digging until you discover the bigger picture.

Second, remember that you have no power to control another person’s motivation — especially your teen’s. You can’t force someone to care, so stop trying to manufacture motivation from the outside. What you can control is your own example. Empathy for others is caught more than it’s taught. You can also control the avenues of communication. Work hard to keep them open, even when your teen isn’t using them. That way, when he’s ready to talk, he’ll know right where to find you.

What’s Behind the Apathy?

You won’t know how to deal with your teen’s apathy until you know what’s behind it. So, before you assume it’s just “typical teenage attitude,” take the time to look closer. Apathy doesn’t show up out of nowhere. It’s often connected to something else going on underneath the surface in your teen’s life. Here are some of the most common culprits:

1. Drugs. This is the number one killer of motivation, and it includes alcohol. A teen who is high or drinking regularly has no bandwidth left to care about anything but the next high.

2. Bullying. A teen who’s being bullied, whether in the hallway or on a screen, may go apathetic because she doesn’t want to go to school anymore and face it.

3. Depression. When loss or pain builds up, it can produce an attitude that says, “everything is hopeless,” and hopeless teens stop caring, because caring hurts too much.

4. Stress. Teens today are overwhelmed by the pressure to be the best, to secure a good future, and to have it all figured out. Sometimes, shutting everything out feels easier than trying.

5. Poor self-esteem. A teen who doesn’t think much of himself often decides it’s safer not to care about anything at all.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … teens are selfish. They always have been, just as much as you and I were when we were that age. We just get to see it a little more now. Our teens don’t care because they don’t yet know what caring looks like, and their depth of peer relationships remains rather shallow. So, it’s up to you to teach them how to care for others.

How you care for your teen will determine how he cares for other people. Your empathy shown to others will determine his level of empathy for those around him. How you relate to people will determine how he relates to people. Help him learn that life isn’t all about him. It’s a lesson that will stay with him for a lifetime.