And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

Hebrews 10:24 (NIV)

I never had an example of a grandparent in my life. My mom’s parents, who we saw only occasionally, really didn’t care about us (my brother, sister, and I), and my dad’s parents were too old and confused to realize who we were. About the only thing I ever did with each of the sets of grandparents was eat a meal, where grandkids were rarely, if ever, given a chance to speak. So, when I became a grandparent, I had to figure it out on my own how to be a grandparent and figure out that role, and not just be another parent on steroids in my grandkid’s life.

Here’s some quick lessons that I learned from experience, on how to fulfill a role that only a grandparent can fill, and how to let moms and dads “parent”, and grandparents fulfill the role God has called them to fill. Here are some rules of the road that I would encourage every grandparent to follow.

When you think your kids have it wrong when it comes to your grandkids, here’s what you can do right:

Don’t Parent when You’re Not the Parent; Be the Grandparent

I don’t always agree with every way my kids parent their children. There are many times I think I’d have even better grandkids if their parents would just follow my line of thought. I’ve had my tongue replaced twice as I’ve bitten it so many times wanting to suggest a better way. After all, I write books and speak on this stuff every day.

Then I remember the parenting gig is all theirs. Not mine. I had my turn. Yes, I think they’re on their iPads and cell phones too much. Yes, they should get those kids out of diapers and quit sticking that pacifier plug in their mouth. Yes, they shouldn’t say certain words around them. Yes, they should push them in some areas and quit pushing so hard in others. Yes, they should make them clean up more and quit making messes. Yes, they should help them understand how great we are as grandparents. All the “Yeses,” in my mind, should remain there. In my mind, and not be pushed on my kids (my grandkid’s parents), because it’s not about me, it’s about helping my kids be the best parents to my grandkids without me pushing my personal agenda of what I think might be best.

They just don’t do this parenting thing as I did and would do again. The reason? Because God placed my grandkids in my kids’ care to parent, not in mine. He gave me kids to parent, and if I did such a great job then why don’t I trust my kids to repeat it now with my grandkids? Ultimately, I do trust them. We just do things differently. So, I’ll keep my mouth shut, keep biting my tongue, and trust that God knows what He’s doing. And I’ll pray He helps me become the grandparent He’s created me to be.

Support Your Kid’s Parenting Styles and Desires

Styles will always be different. Your kids say the same thing all of us have said, “I don’t want to parent my kids the way my parents parented me.” They’re doing it differently because they learned some things from you that they don’t want to carry on.

Just as you are trying to honor the position God placed you in, they are honoring the position He put them in. Maybe God is encouraging your kids to raise their kids in a certain way. Be careful. Your lack of support may actually be a lack of support for God’s plan for their lives.

You need to do your thing and do it well. Let your kids do theirs with all your support.

Don’t undercut your kids.

Support Your Kids Even in Your Disagreement

This may mean you help your grandchild understand your role by saying, “Even though I don’t agree with your mom, I do support her. I always have, and I always will. You guys need to work this one out, and I’ll help where I can. However, I won’t go against what she says.”

Offer a Place of Relief and Rest, Not Escape

Offer that place of rest where they feel safe and can be refreshed and rekindled, but not a place where they escape the consequences of their behavior or elude and avoid the responsibilities put on them. At any age, a child would much rather avoid a painful situation. I encourage you to provide a place where they don’t avoid the pain of life but learn to navigate through the agony and heartache of growing up.

Give Advice Only When Asked

Even a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut. Have you read that a few times throughout this book? It’s a wise proverb that bears repeating, and repeating, and repeating some more.

Don’t Bad-mouth by Words or Actions

Let your grandkids know of your parental struggles. Make your kids (their parents) appear normal, not as villains. Don’t do anything in secret except for surprise birthday parties and anniversary celebrations. The minute you say, “Don’t tell your mom this,” or “Don’t let your dad know,” you are bad-mouthing their parents. You are not respecting their positions. You are showing you don’t have to give your support. Sometimes your actions speak louder than words.

Send Your Kids and Their Kids on a Vacation to Spend Time Together Without You

It’s fun to spend time with grandkids, but I encourage you to help your kids make some memories with your grandkids as well. Give them fun times away from your presence.

While you want to communicate and you want to share with your grandchildren, don’t ever forget whose kids they really are. You have been given a chance to be involved in the lives of these teens who don’t belong to you. It’s a blessing! You get to participate in the fun without all the dirty work anymore. You know what? I enjoy my grandkids, and I never changed one of their diapers. When they get sick, I let them go throw up somewhere else. When they’re in trouble, they get to answer to someone else. When they pull some stupid stunt, it’s all on their parents. I get to sit back and enjoy the good times; parents have to deal with all the rotten stuff.

So, try to give them a break from the day in, day out routine. Help them enjoy their kids and have some fun. It’s easy for grandparents to be a killjoy of fun within the family if the fun is all about having it around grandparents. Show your support for your kids by blessing them and granting them the opportunity to spend some time as a family and make some great memories.

Don’t Ever Believe You Know Best Because You Don’t

You don’t live with the struggling grandchild every day. You may not be able to detect bluffing behavior during occasional visits. Your grandkids may be sweet as honey to you and be a living nightmare for mom or dad. Your grandkids’ parents need your support, not abandonment or criticism.

You are to give a bigger-picture view, yes. You are to give perspective. But that doesn’t mean you see everything happening. I hear parents mention to me all the time that their parents would never understand because they don’t see the half of it and wouldn’t believe it if they did. As I’ve always said, I can change spark plugs in a car but I can’t replace the engine. I’m not the expert on that engine. I simply don’t see the whole picture of how everything works, connects, and functions together properly. You may see a little, but that doesn’t mean you understand it all. Don’t charge in as an expert. Go to your kids in humility, offering to listen and be available to answer anything they ask. Remember, you’re not living with your grandkids, so there’s a lot you don’t know. Supporting your grandkid’s parents may just be the best way to support your grandkids.

Let them know that they’re the best, even when you think you are better.