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Parenting Teens is All About Relationships, Part I

More than anything else, parenting is about developing a strong, healthy relationship. God created families for this purpose and each member has a unique, God-given role. Moms, dads, and grandparents – your teen needs a relationship with you! In this first article, I’ll share five reasons why your relationship with your teen matters.

 

 

1. People Change Because of Relationships

 

The best thing you can do is make sure your teens know you love them. Create an atmosphere at home that shows your care and makes them feel welcome at home. Remember you are setting a living example in front of your teen about how to live well, how to grow in faith, and how to love others. Those lessons are learned through relationships. It works better than lectures or the exercise of authority. Your teen may push against your authority, but he will return and mature because of your relationship.

 

 

2. If You Have a Problem, It’s Probably a Relationship Problem

 

It’s easy to become distracted by behavioral problems. When parents feel hurt and frustrated by their teen’s behavior, they often want to pull back from the relationship. But this is the time to lean in! At the root of a discipline problem is usually a relationship problem. Rules in a home that are not connected to relationship cause a sense of rebellion. Conflict is destructive where there is no relationship, but within the context of a relationship, conflict is often necessary and can lead to growth—especially when there is a relationship worth holding on to. Small issues become big issues when there’s no relationship. Beneath the surface of a communication problem is often a relationship issue. Your teen best recognizes and receives the wisdom you have to share when you have earned their attention through relationship.

 

 

3. We All Have God-Given Roles in Relationship

 

Each member of the family plays an important role. Mom’s role is to instill value in their teen. Dad’s role is to validate it. Grandparents get to be the fun ones! While Mom and Dad are busy working to provide for the daily needs of the family, grandparents have the time and patience to listen to teens. If they prioritize their relationship, then grandparents have a precious opportunity to give wisdom, love, and acceptance in a way that can’t be felt from parents. Grandparents can also acknowledge their grandkids’ worth and affirm the role of their parents. It’s a supporting and significant role.

 

 

4. Relationships Are Not About Entertaining or Pacifying Your Teen

 

In a world where everything is never enough, trying to impress or give your teen too much will do nothing more than wear parents out. Parents should stop thinking they can buy their teen’s affection. Instead, parents can fulfill their teen’s foundational desires by offering wisdom, giving time, imparting value, and sharing experiences together. Set aside time to take a vacation or do something fun together. It doesn’t have to be a luxury trip. Family connections can be formed on a budget. Spending time together and talking to each other is how you cement your relationship.

 

 

5. You Might Be Doing All the Right Things and Still Not Be What Your Teen Needs

 

If your teen doesn’t seem to want a relationship with you, it isn’t necessarily a reflection on your parenting or your love for your teen. Teens struggle, even in the best families. Sometimes what you do just isn’t getting through to your teen. If that’s the case, I encourage you to pause and re-evaluate your relationship. Think about what your teen needs, what he’s feeling, and what he’s lacking. Ask questions and listen to your teen. Then make some changes in your life to accommodate your teen’s longing to have a relationship with you!

 

 

Conclusion

 

The relationship you have with your teen children and grandchildren will be an example of what their relationship with God and others will look like. You will be the greatest influence in the life of your teen, and the best teacher to help them learn what a relationship looks like. This relationship equation includes respect, engagement, kindness, and selflessness with a whole lot of listening and compassion! It’s more about the life you live, rather than the words you speak; it’s more about the example you show, rather than the lessons you teach; and it’s more about what you show in your treatment of others. You are a light amidst the darkness, an anchor that holds fast, and strength that has your teen’s back when they’re in need.

Author: Mark Gregston

Mark Gregston began working with teens more than 40 years ago as a youth minister and Young Life director. He has authored nearly two dozen books, has written hundreds of articles, and is host of the nationally-acclaimed Parenting Today’s Teens podcast and radio broadcast.