It seems like overnight your happy-go-lucky child was transformed into a moody, brooding teenager. One day, your child is laughing at your jokes and sharing stories from school. The next, they’re slamming doors, grunting one-word responses, and wearing a scowl that would make even a DMV employee look cheerful by comparison. So, is it “normal” for teens to be angry all the time, shut themselves up in their rooms, and avoid family time? What do parents do when a teen just doesn’t smile anymore? In this article, I’ll help parents look past the angry stares and locked doors, to uncover the real reason for their teens’ strange behaviors, and help teens find their smiles again.

Look for the Reason

These are the kind of things I hear from parents all the time:

––“My son doesn’t smile anymore. Instead, he’s just angry all the time.”

––“She used to be such a happy person but now she just sits alone in her room.”

Sound familiar? If your household has developed an elaborate system of tiptoeing around your teen’s emotional landmines, you’re not alone. Your teen’s anger is your invitation––albeit an intimidating one––to enter their world to find out why they’re not smiling anymore. Anger is rarely the primary emotion. It’s usually the bodyguard for more vulnerable feelings like hurt, loss, or frustration. Your job, is to get past the scowl and seek out your teen’s heart. You need to consider all possible reasons for their change in attitude, including the possibility that your teen’s anger may have something to do with you.

Is it loss? Teens experience loss more intensely than adults realize. Whether it’s a breakup, a friendship ending, getting cut from a team, or not getting the part in the school play—what might seem minor to you can feel earth-shattering for your teen.

Is it shame? Perhaps your teen is hiding hurt feelings or guilt over what they’ve done, or what has been done to them. In the age of social media, where every mistake can be immortalized online, teens navigate a shame minefield every day. Academic struggles, social missteps, body image issues are all potential sources of deep shame.

Is it a feeling of helplessness? Believe it or not, teens don’t know everything and they can easily become overwhelmed by their problems. Feeling powerless at school, with peers, or at home can trigger their frustration. When they can’t control what’s happening to them, anger becomes the default response. That sour expression may mean that your teen needs your help to resolve a problem that feels too big.

Is it disappointment with life––at home, school, or with peers? Right now, your teen is discovering life’s limitations and inequities. They have unlimited access to information online, and sometimes that information is depressing and discouraging. Their disillusionment can be a bitter pill, especially when reality doesn’t seem to match their expectations or dreams.

Is it you? If your teen is frustrated by the atmosphere at home, do your best to try and understand their hurt. Don’t be defensive. Understanding your own mistakes has a way of tempering your response to your teen. You can more easily move toward your teen with compassion, empathy, and a desire to ask for forgiveness. This is not the time to make excuses for yourself. It is time for humility. The only way to work through your teen’s anger is by talking about it. Be open to hear their them out and be willing to negotiate on some things. You might need to allow more freedom, or hand over more responsibility to your teen, instead of trying to control their behavior. The important thing is to find out what is causing your teen’s anger. If left unaddressed, you will see that anger turn into frustration and bitterness.

Here’s How Parents Can Respond

When approaching a grumpy teen, timing and tone matter. Try to deliver a loving and grace-filled message. Call out what you see without judgment. You can say something like: “I’ve noticed you seem more frustrated lately.” That works better than: “Why are you always so angry?” As you embark on a conversation, ask your teen how you can help. Ask if there is a way you can change to better understand what they are feeling and thinking. Then take a deep breath and listen to your teen talk. This might be the hardest part for parents who are used to lecturing and teaching their kids. But now is the time to grow your relationship with your teen through regular conversations that get to your teen’s heart.

Outside assistance may help your teen find their smile again. Your teen’s negative expression is the visible sign of sadness. So, it’s time to take action and get your teen the help they need. This might mean finding a counselor who really connects with your teen––someone who can get them to open up about what’s really going on in their heart. It might look like changing situations at school or with peers. Sometimes taking a break from peers or getting a new environment can help teens relax and reflect on what’s causing their anger. Part of this process may require changes at home. Be willing to take appropriate steps to change the way people are treated in your home. For example, increasing your teen’s responsibility over decisions in their own life may reduce power struggles at home and build their confidence. I encourage you to keep in mind that the teenage years are temporary. It’s how you navigate them that will shape your relationship for decades to come.

Conclusion

A smile can let you know when your teen is doing well; and when it’s gone, it can be a sign that your teen needs help. Remember—sometimes that grin is genuine, and sometimes it is a smoke screen hiding your teen’s true feelings. It’s your job to make sure the smile you see is genuine and accurately reflects your teen’s mood. If your teen is not smiling anymore, that is a visible expression of sadness in their heart and an invitation for you to step into their world. Ask the hard questions. Speak to the elephant in the room. Don’t let the sun go down on their sadness. It’s time to let your teen know that you want to see them smile––not so you can feel like a better parent, but because you are deeply concerned about their heart.