We all say we want to listen to our children. But I hear from too many teens who don’t feel heard at home. They’re growing up in a fast-paced culture that is constantly on the move, loves to multi-task, and has notoriously shrinking attention spans. But teens haven’t changed. They desperately need someone to show them love by listening to what they have to say, when they say it. In this article, I’ll give parents five practical tips for healthy listening habits that will make their teens feel heard.
First, Five Common Listening MISTAKES
You may think you’re listening to your teen. But listening is difficult. It takes time and intentionality, and you’d be surprised how hard it is to do these days. Here are five common listening mistakes many parents are making.
1. Sorry Moms, but sometimes you talk too much. Parents are so used to teaching that they find it difficult to stop and listen to their teens. Not every moment is a teaching moment. Sometimes you just need to listen.
2. Too many parents listen for correcting. Are you listening to understand or waiting for your teen to make a mistake? Can you blame teens for not wanting to share their thoughts if they are convinced that they will get “corrected” or shot down?
3. Don’t put off listening to your teen. Another common mistake is not making time to listen when your teen is ready to talk. Teens rarely open up when it’s convenient for you. They’ll start talking while you are in the middle of a busy workday, late at night, or even while you’re in the bathroom! But if you continually put them off, they will eventually stop trying.
4. Stop talking to your teens like they are little children. Your teens are growing up. Don’t make the mistake of refusing to listen to or discuss topics that make you feel uncomfortable. By making certain topics “off-limits” you are missing out on what’s really going on.
5. The most common mistake parents make is trying to listen to their teen while looking at a phone. It sends a message that you don’t actually care about what they have to say. You wouldn’t do it to your boss or your best friend, so stop doing it to your teen!
Five HEALTHY Listening Practices
1. Stop filling the space with your own words. You won’t be able to listen until you stop talking long enough to let your teen get a few words in. Your teen needs an opportunity to speak without being rushed or talked over. When you create space in the conversation, you may be surprised by what your teen has to say!
2. Put down your phone and make eye contact. I’ll say it again, multi-tasking while listening to your teen sends a message that you don’t actually care about what they have to say. Instead, put down your phone and really focus on your teen. You’ll communicate that you can’t wait to hear what they think.
3. Ask questions to pursue their thoughts. When a teen expresses their opinion, your role is to encourage more conversation by asking questions that take them one step further. Instead of filling in the gaps, facilitate their thinking with deeper questions that draw out their thoughts and feelings. When you ask thoughtful questions, you are simultaneously showing your interest in their opinions and helping them express the deep ideas inside them.
4. Let your teen finish what they’re saying. It’s important that parents are careful when “correcting” their teens, even when they say something that totally goes against the family values they have been raised with. If your teen has expressed that they feel you are “judgmental,” it’s important to focus on listening without interrupting. Pause before you respond. Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, ask clarifying questions, then repeat back what you heard them say.
5. Put listening on the calendar. In order to make listening a “habit,” you’ll need to carve out time to sit and listen to your teen. Put listening on the calendar by scheduling regular one-on-one “dates” with your teen. Whenever you get together––perhaps at dinner or on walks––be prepared to ask your teen fun or interesting questions. It’s okay to just listen to them talk about silly things. Not every conversation needs to be in depth. But by intentionally setting aside time to listen, you are letting your teen know they have your full attention and can talk about whatever is on their mind.
Conclusion
Teens are dying to be heard by someone and if that person isn’t you, then they’ll find someone else to listen to them. They will violate any standards, values, or principles you’ve taught them, just to get someone to lend them an ear. It’s time to listen to your teen in a new way. Shift from a teaching mode of parenting—where you do most of the talking—to a training mode. This means prioritizing listening and being willing to adapt your approach to meet the evolving needs of your teen.Your ability to listen with the intent to understand—rather than the intent to correct, critique or defend—will give your teens the chance to express what is going on in their heart and mind. They want to share their hardships, struggles, successes, and needs with someone. There’s no better set of ears to have listen to teens than those of their parents. Your teen is processing differently than they did a few years ago. Teenaged girls dive deeper in their thoughts and guys generally process their thinking out loud. The wise parent strives not only to hear but to listen to the deeper comments being shared, so they can address the issues of the heart.