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Keeping the Relationship with Teens After Divorce

Having a healthy relationship with your teen during their turbulent teenage years is hard, but it can be especially challenging after a separation or divorce. Let’s face it—no one wants to go through a divorce, especially with teenagers at home. But if that’s where you find yourself, then you need to find ways to stay connected with your teen, even while your life is being turned upside down. In this article, I’ll share how you can build up your relationship with your teen after a separation or divorce. 

 

 

The Relationship is the Important Thing 

 

Whether or not your teen shows you how they are feeling, I guarantee they need you. Your relationship is the thing that lasts beyond this challenging time. So make your teen a priority. If your teen is struggling, you won’t change them by clamping down on your authority. No, teens change because of relationships, not rules. If you stay focused on your relationship with your teen, the two of you can deepen your love and connection, despite the divorce. 

 

 

Ways to Build the Relationship when You Live with Your Teen 

 

Make time just to be with your teen. Too many teens get lost in the shuffle of their parents’ divorce. Counteract this tragic trend by focusing on your relationship with your teen. Plan times to hang out and relax together.  Do something your teen likes to do. Your attention and time speak volumes about how much you love them. I get it. Many parents work long hours and are exhausted trying to keep it all together. But I assure you that prioritizing time with your teen will be time well-spent. 

 

When you talk to your teen, try incorporating deep questions. If all your conversations with your teen revolve around homework, chores, and schedules, you will miss their heart. Start by asking questions that are funny or random to get the conversation started. Then, ask questions to help your teen think through what’s on their mind and verbalize what they believe about their world, such as: “Can you tell me more about that?” Be sure to talk to your teen about who they are deep inside, not just what they are doing, and listen closely to what your teen tells you. 

 

 

Ways to Build the Relationship when You are with Your Teen Part-Time 

 

Use the time you DO have to live out what you believe is best for your teen. Stick to your beliefs, even if your ex-spouse has different ideas, and do so in a winsome way––without complaining or criticizing your teen’s other parent. Avoid lectures to make your point and instead use your conversation to ask honest questions and take the opportunity to share your perspective without demanding that your teen agree with you all the time. Your teen will see that you “live out” what you believe and will appreciate that you hold to your principles. 

 

When you’re with your teen, make time just for connecting. Do something your teen likes to do, and be willing to learn something new or let your teen teach you their hobby! Not every conversation and time together has to be deep. It’s okay to laugh and just have fun together. Whatever you do, keep the communication lines open as much as possible. Use the time you’re apart to connect with your teen via text, social media, or send a care package. Find creative ways to let your teen know you’re thinking about them, even when you are apart.  

 

 

Ways to Build the Relationship when You are Separated from Your Teen 

 

Show your teen that you love them by reaching out in any way you can. This will look different depending on your situation. Be creative as you lean toward your teen from a distance. Perhaps you can mail letters or packages, chat by video regularly, or develop a closeness by text. Try different ways to communicate until you find a way that works. Most importantly, don’t give up. There may be times when you feel like you’ve lost your connection, or that your teen isn’t interested in having a relationship with you. But I promise, your teen wants to have a healthy relationship with you. I’ve never met a teen who wanted to be estranged from their mom or dad. They all want that close relationship, but they may not know how to get there. It’s your job to find a way to stay connected, no matter how far apart you are right now. 

 

 

Conclusion 

 

Divorce is tough on everyone. I wouldn’t wish a divorce on my worst enemy; and it’s tough on your teens too! While blended families and split homes are not uncommon, they are never expected. I’ve never met anyone who hoped for a breakup. Divorce was simply not a part of the original plan. But now that you are facing this reality, you need to know that your teen will feel the pinch of having to split their time between two different homes, manage two different sets of rules, and attend two different holidays. The best thing you can do is create a stable, calm place of rest for your teen––a place that is welcoming, dependable, and full of affirmation and encouragement. Be ready to listen to whatever is on your teen’s heart, making the most of your situation and striving for the best, even in the worst-case scenario. Your relationship with your teen is the key. No matter what happens, keep communicating, reassuring, and strengthening your relationship. 

Author: Mark Gregston

Mark Gregston began working with teens more than 40 years ago as a youth minister and Young Life director. He has authored nearly two dozen books, has written hundreds of articles, and is host of the nationally-acclaimed Parenting Today’s Teens podcast and radio broadcast.