Every mom and dad I’ve ever met wants a close relationship with their teen. Nobody sits down at the kitchen table and thinks, “You know what would be great? A big wall between me and my kid.” And yet it happens all the time. A snippy comment here, a missed conversation there, and pretty soon there’s a gap where connection used to be. The good news is that most of the damage isn’t intentional — which also means it’s fixable.

In this article, I’ll walk through two of the most common ways parents unintentionally drive a wedge between themselves and their teens, and I’ll give you practical tools to close that gap before it grows any wider.

The Biggest Wedge-Builders…And How to Fix Them

Teens don’t hand you a report card on how you’re doing as a parent. When they’re struggling, they won’t make an announcement or schedule a meeting. Instead they’ll slowly drift away. By the time you notice the distance, your relationship has probably been failing for a while. Let’s look at the two biggest wedge-builders, and how to pull them out before they do more damage.

1. Don’t Be Judgmental

Having a judgmental attitude is one of the fastest ways to separate yourself from your teen. You may not think you do. But your teen is reading your reaction to his world, his friends, and his opinions. Your comments may seem judgmental whether you intended it that way or not. Add in constant nagging, correcting, and badgering, and your teen starts hearing one message loud and clear: “You can’t measure up.” You may have the best intentions in the world about what you’re trying to teach your teen, but if your approach is off, you’ll drive a wedge into your relationship instead of building a bridge.

So how do you fix it? Start by realizing that what you say and what your teen hears can be two very different things. It’s crucial to understand your teen’s changing world and have empathy for the pressures she’s under. The constant teaching and correcting that worked so well when your teen was little simply won’t work anymore. It’s easier to speak truth into the life of a teenager when that truth is spoken in love. So slow down, soften your tone, and have an open heart towards your teen.

Become more aware of how you are talking to your teen. When you’re talking make eye contact, ask questions, and listen to your teen even if you don’t agree with what he’s saying. Try to first understand where they are coming from before sharing your perspective. Then, be generous with your compliments. Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted.  So tell your teen the good things you see in him, and boast about him in public, not just behind closed doors. You might not think your teen cares, but your teen does desire your approval. Hearing from you what they are doing well makes a huge difference.

2. Don’t Be Stingy (With Time, Attention, Affirmation, and Conversation)

Choosing work, a hobby, or your cell phone over spending time with your teen makes for a malnourished relationship. Parents of teens need to set aside regular time to talk to your teen. But don’t just talk school and schedules. Too many parents restrict their conversations to routine subjects: Did you do your homework? What did you do wrong today? What chores do you still need to finish? If your teen only gets your attention when something’s wrong, soon your home will be filled with tension instead of warmth.

Instead, be intentional with how you interact with your teen. Show that you value time with your teen. The fix starts with your calendar. Put time with your teen on your schedule. Then don’t break that weekly appointment, no matter how tempting it is to let something else take priority. Try to figure out an activity you both enjoy and do that together. Maybe that’s going to the gym or getting donuts for breakfast after church on Sundays. It doesn’t have to be expensive to be meaningful. Above all, be available. Your teen may not need to talk about anything important today. But one day he will, and you want him to already know that you’re the one he can come to.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … there’s not a parent out there who wakes up wanting to build a wall between themselves and their teen. But it happens anyway, because of miscommunication or busyness that distracts us from making a stronger connection. Your relationship can’t wait.

Your teen wants a relationship with you, even when it doesn’t look like it. So, take a hard look at your own heart and pray something like this: “Lord, search me, know my heart, and see if there is any hurtful way in me.”  That kind of prayer opens the door to your teen’s heart and gives your relationship room to grow.

You were called to love your teen the way God loves you — patiently, without keeping score, or without giving up. Spend some time thinking through how you can remove whatever is keeping you and your teen apart, and watch what happens when you take the steps to close the gap instead of continuing the behaviors that widen it.