Some parents put a lot of pressure on teens to excel academically. They see grades as the key to future success. But too much focus on academics can cause some teens to miss out on the most important aspects of school! The world of school involves more than reading, writing, and arithmetic. It’s where teens learn to socialize, pick friends, and navigate difficult relationships. In this article, I’ll help parents understand what really matters about school and what to do when your teen doesn’t want to participate.

What if Your Teen Hates School?

Parents can get into a tough spot when teens don’t want to go to school. Maybe your teen is in bed refusing to get up; maybe they’re consumed by video games all night and too tired to function in the morning; or perhaps they’re just despondent and discouraged. Whatever the reason, when teens say, “I’m not doing this,” parents feel stuck. Here’s what you need to do:

1. Find out WHY your teen is disinterested in school. Start by having conversations about school that have nothing to do with grades. Ask questions about their day, their friends, and what makes them uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s a broken friendship, or relationship or feeling like they don’t fit in. Maybe your teen is discouraged because he isn’t performing as well as he hoped. Listen to discover if your teen is being bullied or ridiculed by other students. Whatever it is — get to the core of the problem. Once you understand what’s happening, you can begin to address the real issue, instead of just fighting about grades and attendance.

2. Then, let your teens know you care about how they feel, but you will hold them accountable. Teens must attend school by state law. Parents can get into trouble if they don’t make their kids go to school. It’s a tricky balance between understanding your teen’s dislike of school and enforcing the law. But the consequence can fall on parents, not just teens. So you have to find a way to get your teen involved, even when they don’t want to. Ultimately, your goal is to encourage your teens to become responsible for their own lives. Trying to transfer that responsibility when they don’t like school for any number of reasons becomes really difficult. So be sensitive to where they’re coming from, but clear about your expectations.

3. Next, encourage attendance and academics through rewards and consequences. You may need to offer your teen a reward for attending his classes, or a consequence, if he doesn’t. Find your teen’s tipping point. It could be upgrading a phone, paying for car insurance, buying a gym membership, or planning a special trip. Whatever motivates your teen, use it! The flip side is taking away something that matters, and gets your teen’s attention. Generally, rewards work better than consequences, but both have their place.

4. Consider alternative schooling options. While you may feel school is important, your teen may not. They may see no purpose in it. Not every teen fits into the traditional school setting. That’s not an insult to public schools; it’s simply a reality that some teens don’t fit in, and forcing them doesn’t always help them. Parents should explore their options and be open to trying an alternative school that caters to academically disheartened teens. Perhaps your teen can graduate early, go to a different school, or leave high school with a GED (General Education Development) diploma. It’s not the “normal” high school experience, but it may be what’s needed to successfully get your teen through school.

Why School Matters (Beyond Academics)

If you’re only focused on GPA, you’re missing the point. Band, sports, extracurricular activities, school trips, theater, Future Farmers of America, Young Life, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and other social and service organizations enhance a teen’s training to grow spiritually, mentally, and physically in wisdom and stature. These experiences are where teens learn who they are, what they’re good at, and how to interact with the world around them.

Personally, I didn’t care a whole lot about academics when I was in high school. I dated my wife Jan since ninth grade. She scored in the upper 1% of our graduating class. Me? I wasn’t even in the top 85% of our class of 830 students. I didn’t think school was about academics as much as I thought it was about socializing. And you know what? I turned out just fine.

Your teen’s ability to socialize, learn how to pick a mate for future days, understand the differences in people, and deal with difficult people is just as important as anything they can learn in a classroom. School teaches teens to listen to authority figures. It teaches them social skills and how to do something they don’t want to do because the reward at the end is worth it.

Practical Tips for Parents

If you have younger kids and pre-teens, get them used to the idea of being uncomfortable or working through something difficult to get a reward. Our tendency is to rescue kids and make sure they never feel discomfort. But your kids need to experience challenges in order to prepare them for the future. This way, when they hit high school and start thinking for themselves, they already know how to handle discomfort.

Next, set realistic expectations. Hopes and expectations are two different things. You can hope for something, but your expectations need to be based in reality. Take a good look at your teen’s performance so far. Are you setting the bar too high? Are you demanding perfection when your teen just needs encouragement?

Then, ask yourself why school is truly important to you. If your answer is strictly academics, then take a moment to examine the school experience more deeply. Consider what you really hope your teen will gain from their school experience. Connection? Skills? Confidence? Growth? When you’re clear on what matters most, you can help your teen see the value in school too.

Finally, make your relationship with your teen a safe place to share their struggles. If you tend to be judgmental or express criticisms of others when they mess up, your teen will probably decide you’re not a safe place to share. If you’ve been critical in the past, then apologize, and make sure your teen knows he can come to you with anything — questions, struggles, failures — without criticism, but with genuine grace. The same way God offers grace to you.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … academics are important. Learning about all the different subjects in school is admirable, but academics “ain’t” everything. Your teen’s ability to socialize and to deal with people who don’t necessarily think spiritually, politically, or morally in the same why they do is just as important as anything they can learn in a classroom. Remember, one of the goals of going to school is to help your teen to grow in favor with God and with people!

So, encourage involvement, be their biggest cheerleaders for those things they want to be involved in. Inspire them to try new things with different people, as a key part of their pursuit of academics.