Moms and dads set high standards and want their teens to succeed. It’s what good parents do. But your teens are students of life who will sometimes fail. In this article, I’ll share how you can respond with grace, even when your teens make mistakes. 

Parents Who Set High Standards  

We all want our kids to succeed and we encourage them to do well. But we need to be careful how we communicate our high expectations. Your goals need to include a clear understanding that mistakes will happen and perfection isn’t possible. If you are setting impossibly high standards, then your teen won’t know what to do when they mess up. They will feel like there is no way to meet your expectations. Believe me, your teen needs to know that when they fail, there is a way back. 

Your Teen Will Fail … 

It’s not a matter of “if” but “when” your teen will fail. Your teen is not perfect––neither are you. So don’t take away your love and affection when he makes a mistake. It’s never okay to tie your love to their performance. It’s not how God treats His kids! If you punish your teen by withdrawing your affection when they make mistakes, you will miss out on the opportunity to help your teen overcome his failures and get back on track towards future success.  

… So Respond With Grace  

Grace is undeserved. That is why it feels hard to do. Grace is only available to those who slip up. If you never failed, then you wouldn’t need to receive grace. But you do, and your teen needs grace too! Forgiveness, over and over again, is the glue that keeps you in relationship with your teen. So instead of cutting your teen off when they make a mistake, welcome them back with grace. Remember, your teen needs you the most, when they least deserve it.  

At Heartlight, we are successful in restoring teens’ broken lives and reconnecting families, precisely because we love the teens who come to us when they are at their worst. They are offered grace, tools for growth, and a pathway forward. I have learned that every teen desperately wants to know that they will continue to be loved, even when everything is a mess.  

How Do We Respond With Grace?  

It is terribly difficult to move towards someone who is hurting you or violating your values. It goes against our natural instincts. But I urge you to move towards your teen, even when it is hard. You do not have to approve of their choices or like their behavior. But you do need to assure your teen that you will always be there for them, no matter what. Express your love with words, even when you don’t “feel” like it. They need to be reassured that you love them, not because of what they do but because of who they are. When your teen fails to live up to your expectations, love them anyway. Period.  

This type of parenting may be different from the way you were raised. But if you want to stay connected to your teen, you need to be clear that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and nothing they can do to make you love them less. 

No matter what you say, some teens will still worry that you will stop loving them when they mess up. If your teen doesn’t “feel” unconditionally loved by you, then sit them down and   ask them what you can do to make them feel your love unconditionally. Listen to what they are saying and let them know that you hear them. Then try to find a way to communicate your love in a way that your teen can understand.  

Now let me be clear about consequences. Loving your teen does NOT mean they get away with bad behavior. You can and should follow through on the consequences you’ve established in your home. Calmly explain to your teen how they have violated the rules and what the consequences will be. Don’t dramatize the situation or become angry to get your point across. Simply enforce the boundaries you have established. Your teen needs your guidance and correction. Giving grace simply means that you can separate your love and value for your teen from their poor choices.  

A Special Role for Grandparents 

Grandparents, you can fill a unique role in the lives of your teenage grandchildren. You have a distinct perspective and long-lived experience to know that people make mistakes and there is still hope and a future on the other side! It’s so valuable to share your perspective with your grandkids. Tell them your stories, good and bad. Tell them about the mistakes you’ve made, the mistakes their parent’s made, and how you all overcame them. As you share your life experiences, do NOT undermine their parents’ rules. Instead, offer your teenage grandchild a much-needed listening ear and your unconditional love. Let them know that they always have a place of value in the family.  

Conclusion 

At some point, you will be offended and perhaps disappointed in the choices your teen makes. While you have every right to walk away, don’t do it! Recognize that your teen’s mistakes are an opportunity to love your teen in a way they’ll never be loved by anyone else––not their future spouse, friends, or social media crowd. Grace means loving your teen in the midst of their mistakes. You have the chance to show them the great big love of God by moving toward them when every feeling in your body is telling you to walk away. Let your teen feel the full effects of their choices. Just know that while they suffer the consequences, they would love to know that they are loved regardless of their mistakes.