If your teenager routinely rolls his eyes, fires back sarcastic comebacks, or completely ignores you while scrolling on his phone, you’ve got a case of disrespect on your hands. Welcome to the club! Almost every parent I know has felt this sting.

While it’s tempting to write off disrespect as “just a phase,” it rarely shows up out of nowhere, and going toe-to-toe with it head-on won’t fix it. In this article, I’ll help you diagnose disrespect, understand what’s really causing it, and show you how to turn things around before these behaviors become lifelong habits.

Symptoms of Disrespect

Disrespect is more than the occasional bad day.  It’s intentional behavior meant to communicate a message. If left untreated, these behaviors become habits your teen will carry forward into future relationships — with a spouse, with coworkers, and eventually with kids of their own. Better to deal with it now, while you still have influence, than to watch your grown child struggle with disrespect for decades.

You probably already know the signs, even if you haven’t put the whole picture together, and so does your teen — even if he swears he has no idea what you’re talking about. Take a look at some of the common signs and symptoms of disrespect at home and ask yourself: Does that describe my teen?

1. Contempt, rudeness, and indifference. This looks like a teen who brushes off your requests, ignores your questions, and refuses to engage in normal conversation. Every question feels like it’s met with hostility, as if you’d launched a personal attack instead of just asking about his day. He doesn’t seem to want to be within ten feet of you. This kind of disrespect causes real injury to your relationship.

2. Eye-rolls, sarcasm, and snide comments. These smaller barbs are just as telling as the bigger blowups. Pouting, raging, and stonewalling are all part of the same disrespectful package, even when they seem minor in the moment. Small moments like these add up over time and chip away at your relationship with your teen, one eye-roll at a time.

3. Choosing the phone over you. Does your teen keep talking on the cell or playing video games instead of listening to you? If so, he’s showing a quiet form of disrespect.

4. Lying. Lying is disrespect’s sneakiest symptom, because it’s designed to make you believe there’s no problem at all. When your teen lies about where he’s been, who he’s with, or what happened to the family car, he’s not just bending the truth — he’s telling you that your trust isn’t worth protecting. Habitual lying, especially about things that matter, is a red flag that something deeper is going on.

Causes of Disrespect

The signs of disrespect are symptoms of a more significant problem going on underneath the surface. These symptoms may reveal a problem in your relationship, at school, with friends, or inside your teen’s heart.

Ask yourself what your teen might be reacting to. Is it something you did? A loss? Stress with friends? A change he didn’t want and couldn’t control? Teens who feel like their parents aren’t looking out for them, or aren’t really hearing them, often decide the fastest way to say “you don’t have influence over me anymore” is to disrespect the very people trying hardest to reach them.

How to Treat Disrespect

The good news is you have more influence here than you think. Start by establishing a clear belief system. Communicate your family’s expectations for how you treat one another, and make sure your teen understands what disrespect looks like and that you won’t tolerate it. Here are some more practical ways to turn things around.

1. Model respect. Show your teen what respect looks like by the way you treat others, including your teenager. Let your teen see you treat every family member, and everyone else you come in contact with, with kindness — especially when they don’t deserve it and you get nothing in return for being gracious. That’s the lesson that sticks longest, because your teen is always watching, whether you know it or not.

2. Name the disrespectful behaviors you see. Talk with your teen about what you’ve noticed. “You seemed frustrated when Mom asked you to do your homework.”  Or, “I noticed you didn’t look up when I greeted you after school.” Say it plainly, and don’t be afraid to share how it’s hurt you. As you talk, stay calm — anger will only shut the conversation down before it starts. You might find that your teen doesn’t know how some of his annoying habits feel to you.

3. Invite input. Ask your teen open-ended questions about what you see. “Why are you rolling your eyes?”  “What are you frustrated about?”  Then listen, without getting defensive when the answer stings a little. Listening to your teen shows that you value her opinion and models the kind of response you want from your teen. When your teen feels fully heard, she’s much more likely to accept your input in return.

4. Set clear boundaries. Communicate your family’s expectations for how you treat one another. Make sure your teen understands how you expect him to respond to you and what you won’t tolerate. Then communicate the consequences for disrespect going forward. Your teen needs to know what to expect. No surprises.

5. Follow through, every time. When disrespect shows up— and it will — simply state what you see, get to the heart of it, and stick to the consequences you’ve already set. Expect to repeat this process more than once. That’s not failure. That’s training a teenager.

Conclusion

Hey moms, dads and grandparents… R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and the lack of it, is one of the greatest challenges facing today’s families. Our teens are being taught, by the culture around them, that respect doesn’t really matter. If you don’t counter this message, you won’t find respect in your own home.

The most important lessons on respect come from your example: the way you show respect to others, and how you treat people who can do nothing for you in return. Show your teen what respectful behavior looks like and that you’re worthy of his respect. Speak the truth in love, and get to the heart of the issue when conflict comes.