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Dealing With Constant Disrespect

Disrespect is one of the biggest issues plaguing families with teens today, and yet many parents struggle to nip this destructive behavior in the bud. Disrespect is the one thing that needs to be squelched more than anything else, and you’ll need a PLAN to handle it! In this article, I’ll outline four practical steps for dealing with constant disrespect.

 

Step 1: Have Conversations With Your Teen About What Disrespect Really Looks Like.

Respect is not “normal” in today’s culture. In fact, disrespect is part of how teen’s normally relate to one another and to authority. Teens have been given the message that they need to push back against authority and social media has empowered them say and do whatever they feel, without concern for the impact on others. As a result, some behavior that seems normal to today’s teens feels woefully disrespectful to Mom and Dad, and that lack of respect at home can be devastating. Parents need to step into this crazy culture to help their teens understand the value and benefit of giving respect to others.

 

There’s a chance your teen doesn’t know she’s being disrespectful, especially if you’ve let the behavior go on for a while. So before you blast your teen, open up a conversation. Let your teen know what behavior you see as offensive. Is she being rude? Bullying a sibling? Talking back to teachers? Tell your teen what you are seeing and talk about it. By addressing your concerns openly and honestly, you are training your teen and helping her to see her behavior the way others see it.

 

Step 2: Measure the Disrespect.

Remember your teen is still learning how to interact with others. The goal is to train your teen and see growth over time. So start by establishing clear boundaries and setting reasonable consequences that fit your family’s values. Then when you encounter disrespect, you and your teen will be on the same page. Don’t argue about the behavior, simply point it out, enforce the consequence, and let your rules be the “bad guy.”

 

Just like constant disrespect, constant correction can provoke your teen to wrath. As you train your teen, you do not have to point out disrespectful behavior every time it pops up. In fact, if you do you will frustrate and shame your teen. Instead, make a note and wait for the right time to talk about what you are seeing––good and bad. In the moment, act the way God acts toward you, and give grace.

 

Step 3: Reward Your Teen When He Gets Less Disrespectful.

Be on the lookout for improvements on a weekly basis. Don’t expect perfection all at once and don’t withhold rewards as you see improvement. If your teen was rude to you in a heated moment but overall was more respectful in the last week, let him know. If you see a decrease in disrespect over the weeks, then you are headed in the right direction, and you should reward your teen. Perhaps offer to take him out for a meal he likes or get ice cream together. Even if the progress is slow, at least there is movement toward respect!

 

The key is to stay connected. See these conversations as an opportunity to check in and find out what’s really going on in your teen’s mind and heart. Ask deep questions and listen to find out what is motivating your teen’s behavior––perhaps your teen is experiencing anger, hurt, or loss. Listen to what she’s saying and remember the purpose of these conversations is to strengthen your relationship and help your teen become a more mature adult.

 

Step 4: Respect Your Teen!

Respect goes two ways. Teens may act like they don’t care, but they are watching you closely. So look closely at yourself. Take a moment to ask yourself: Am I causing my teen’s disrespect toward me? Do I treat others with respect? Do I talk in the way I want my teen to talk? Am I treating my teen respectfully when I disagree? Mom and Dad, you are the two most influential adults in your teen’s life! So act like it. If you have not modeled a respectful attitude in the past, simply acknowledge this, give an apology, and make changes right away. Your honest assessment and improved attitude may be exactly what your family need to make a fresh start!

 

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … our teens live in a disrespectful world that screams out self-contempt and apathy. It’s bound to rub off on them once in a while and it’s reflected in the way they perceive authority, the way they succumb to entitlement, and the way they engage in relationships. It’s important that you be the one who gently asks and occasionally demands respect in a world of insolence. The old-style approach of requiring respect through an authoritarian approach just doesn’t work like it used to. Your respectful approach will in return produce a respectful response. You still have the authority God gave you, so learn to use it in such a way that it’s going to be productive. I’m not saying you have to tolerate insults and ridicule, but I am saying you should understand the “why’s” behind your teen’s actions. Approach their disrespect in such a way that helps them understand why respect is a key element in the pursuit of earning meaningful relationships.

Author: Mark Gregston

Mark Gregston began working with teens more than 40 years ago as a youth minister and Young Life director. He has authored nearly two dozen books, has written hundreds of articles, and is host of the nationally-acclaimed Parenting Today’s Teens podcast and radio broadcast.