It’s been said that Christmas is “the most wonderful time of the year” — but it can also be the most chaotic, conflict-filled, and crisis-inducing time for families with teens. The holidays are when we celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, but this season can be anything but peaceful in homes where parents are struggling with teens.
The pressure to create picture-perfect Pinterest memories, combined with family tensions, can make Christmas feel more like a burden than a blessing. But here’s the good news: even amidst the stress and strain, your family can celebrate Christmas together in a meaningful way. In this article, I’ll share practical strategies for handling conflict during the holidays while maintaining your relationship with your teen and holding onto the true spirit of the season.
Why Christmas Can Be Difficult With Teens
It’s hard to feel jolly when you’re dealing with a teen who’s been disrespectful, disobedient, or distant. When your teen has been pushing the boundaries all year long, the thought of celebrating together can feel forced or even “wrong”. You’re supposed to be merry and generous, but your heart may be heavy with disappointment. I get it.
It’s hard to “give” when you feel like your teen doesn’t deserve to be rewarded. Many parents struggle with the idea of buying gifts for teens who seem ungrateful or who have violated the family’s values. It feels like you’re rewarding bad behavior, and that goes against every parenting instinct you have.
It’s hard to feel “merry” when your family is falling apart. The expectation to be joyful and celebratory can feel impossible when you’re exhausted from dealing with conflict at home. Putting on a happy face for extended family while your home life is in turmoil is emotionally draining.
Finally, it’s hard to enjoy “family” togetherness when there’s ongoing conflict. The holidays magnify whatever tensions already exist. Forced family time can actually increase stress rather than relieve it, especially when everyone’s trying to pretend like everything is fine. But it is possible to navigate this season with teens well and handle Christmas conflict. Here’s how.
Remind Teens of the Consequences — Even at Christmas
Don’t let Christmas conflict catch you off guard. When you handle Christmas conflict intentionally, it sends a clear message to your teen: “We may be taking time off for the holidays, but we aren’t slacking off from parenting.”
1. “The Power of Nethertheless.” Let me share one of my favorite words when it comes to managing conflict: “nevertheless.” This simple word can transform how you respond to your teen during tense moments. You’re communicating, “Honey, I love you and I understand why you feel the way you do; nevertheless, we’re going to live by our household rules.” It sounds like this:
––“Sweetheart, I’m aware your friends think this is a great movie, and they may be right; nevertheless, our rule is that we don’t go to R-rated movies.”
––“Darlin’, you may have a reason to be upset — I’d probably be upset too — nevertheless, everyone in our family is required to be respectful, even when we’re angry.”
––“Son, I’m sorry you don’t like the new curfew. I didn’t either when I was a teen; nevertheless, our rule is that curfew is midnight.”
2. Don’t avoid enforcing consequences just because it’s Christmas. Follow through, no matter how inconvenient the timing. Don’t let the calendar dictate your parenting. If your teen violates the rules on Christmas Eve, the consequence still applies on Christmas Day. Consistency matters more than perfect holiday memories.
3. Establish the rules and consequences well in advance of the holiday celebrations. Don’t leave your teen wondering what will happen if they break the rules. How else can they properly choose? They can’t. They need to be able to say to their peers, “If I do that, I’ll lose my car for a month,” or “If I’m late now, my curfew will be even earlier for a month.” Clear expectations allow teens to make informed decisions about their behavior.
4. There may be some additional rules for the holidays. Beyond your normal rules and boundaries about chores, curfews, phones, and family time you may need some additional guidelines for family gatherings. Consider requiring your teen to spend time with relatives, join the family for game night, or participate in family traditions. Think it over, talk to your spouse, and make a plan. Always present a united front with your spouse.
5. Focus on maintaining a solid relationship with your teen while still honoring your rules. It’s been said: “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion, but relationship without rules leads to chaos.” This Christmas, commit to both — hold the line on your family’s expectations while staying emotionally engaged with your teen.
Give Your Teens What They Need, Not What They Deserve
The decorations are up, the table is set, and it’s time to celebrate. The challenge is to give teens what they really need, even when they call you a “Scrooge” or a “Grinch”. Grace is the gift your teen does not deserve, but desperately needs. It’s what Jesus offered you when you didn’t earn a seat at His table. Here’s how you can give your teens what they really need.
1. Give your teen your time, attention, gifts, and love—EVEN when you feel like it isn’t deserved. It’s important that your teen knows that he is loved, even amidst struggles at home. Christmas isn’t a reward for good behavior — it’s a celebration of grace. Your teen may need that reminder of unconditional love more than ever.
2. Take a break, grab a treat with your teen, and re-focus. Make an offer of relationship, even when your teen doesn’t deserve it — just like God has done with each one of us. Step away from the chaos of family gatherings if needed. Take your teen out for coffee or ice cream. Create space for one-on-one connection away from the pressure of performing for extended family.
3. Get outside help if needed. Talk with your spouse, a friend, small group, or counselor to express your frustrations and get encouragement for your upcoming holidays. It may not change the situation, but it might just help you find peace amidst the conflict in your family. You don’t have to carry this burden alone, and seeking support isn’t a sign of failure — it’s wisdom.
4. Lighten up! Some families need to learn to laugh together more often. Christmas can be a great time for fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Let your teen see you enjoying the holidays and smiling a little more. Not every tradition needs to be preserved if it’s causing more stress than joy. Give yourself permission to adjust expectations and focus on what really matters — being together and celebrating hope.
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … the Christmas season can be difficult for many families. Perhaps it’s a time of reflection that makes some people feel melancholy, or perhaps it’s the fact that everyone has a lot of free time on their hands. Our lives get hectic during a time that should be relaxing. Having conflict during the holiday season can put a damper on any feeling of celebration or feeling thankful for the place you find yourself.
Christmas doesn’t magically eliminate conflict. It may even cause some, but the challenge for most parents is to continue to give a taste of the character of God to those who are causing or exposing conflict. Don’t take time off from parenting. Instead lean into your relationships and give your teen consistent boundaries and consequences.
Remember, conflict is a precursor to change, so there’s something good about it, even though the timing is a little off. Your job as a parent is to continue to show your love and desire for a relationship to the one who may appear to not want it, just like God does with us. Let’s celebrate Jesus by offering ourselves in service of others, just like He did for us.
