Well, another year is in the books as we enter into a whole new calendar that will hopefully give us more opportunities to grow closer to our kids and grandkids, and other family members as well.
As I have watched my kids, (and my grandkids) grow and change through the years, I’ve learned this. That with their change, I have to make some changes as well if I want to maintain some of a level of an influential relationship.
Your kids need good, lasting, committed relationships that don’t stop when they don’t respond, especially during the teen years. They need strong family ties that weather the every-other-week stormy times of adolescence. They especially need a deep relationship with their parents and grandparents because they’re not getting those relational needs filled by their peers—at least not always in wise, healthy ways.
Because of the need in all of us to know and be known, it’s essential you spend time reflecting on your own life and the impact you can have on your kids. Look at the log in your own eye rather than the speck in theirs. You’ll never be able to address the speck if the log is blocking your vision. Nor will they let you.
I’ve found there are some ways of engaging with teens that shut kids down and push them away. For most parents, these can be relationship-ruiners.
I don’t think I’ve never heard a mother say, “I want to have a perfect daughter.” I’ve never heard a dad say, “I’m going to rule my home with an iron fist. It’s either my way or the highway.” I’ve never heard a mom and dad say, “We want to be judgmental parents.”
But I have heard hundreds of young ladies say, “My mom wants me to be perfect.” I’ve heard hundreds of young men say, “My dad is so strong-headed I can’t wait to get out of the house.” I’ve heard thousands of kids say, “My parents are the most judgmental people I know.”
Let me explain the common complaints I hear from teens..
My Parents and Grandparents Demand Perfection
Perfection —what we Christians call excellence—is easy to ask kids in their early years. Most young kids really believe the world is ideal, they are awesome, and their parents are textbook picture-perfect. But as they grow older, their eyes are opened to a world that isn’t great and perfect like they’d been told. And disillusionment sets in.
One of the major changes in a child moving into adolescence is the switching of their mind from concrete to abstract thinking. Their perception of the world increases, and their concept of perfection changes as they get zits, hair, and other grown-up parts. They get made fun of, experience rejection and disappointment, question their existence and don’t feel like they belong.
Many times, encouragement from adults now feels like a demand for perfection. They take questions about grades as insults for not making all A’s. They interpret comments about weight or the need to watch what you eat you saying they are fat. When they lash out in frustration shared, it is often misdiagnosed as disrespect when they really don’t mean to be disrespectful.
At the beginning of the adolescent years, teens and ‘tweens (early adolescence kids) are fragile and sensitive. They can appear ambivalent, unsure, uncertain, indecisive, doubtful, and torn as to which path to take. At a time in life when they feel the most imperfect, they don’t want to hear perfection. Set the bar of expectation and achievement too high and they won’t think they can meet it. They’ll fill up with anger as they beat themselves up when they fall short. It’s not uncommon for them to withdraw into unhealthy habits or friendships, or give up and shut down or push you away.
Do you like being around people who are perfect? Or think they are? I don’t. I prefer the presence of imperfect people who allow—no, who welcome and embrace—other imperfect people. And your kids do as well.
My Parents and Grandparents Too Authoritarian
Parents have God-given authority to parent kids. God placed kids in your life for a reason and a purpose. He placed you in their life for the same. How we communicate and use our position makes all the difference in the world to our kids.
You are in the same position. Your exercise of authority determines your likeability to your kids. Your authoritarian approach isn’t wrong. It’s just ineffective because of the changing climate of the adolescent culture.
That means whether I like it or not, whether I think it’s right or wrong, the authoritarian approach to parenting doesn’t work like it used to. That doesn’t mean you give up your standards or compromise your values or faith. It just means a different angle can be much more effective with teens than a heavy-handed approach.
My Parents and Grandparents Come Across as Judgmental
Here’s one for the guilt pile. Remember, it’s how we are perceived by our kids that determines whether they think we are judgmental which in today’s politically correct culture, is a pretty sensitive topic.
When you talk about race, homosexuality, couples living together, divorce, teachers, or conflict with others, how do you come across to your family? Is there a hint of judgment in your words or tone?
Is it right or is it wrong? It doesn’t matter. If my child feels like I’m judgmental and that is getting in between our relationship, no matter how much freedom of speech I have or how wrong they may be in curtailing my right, I stop. I cherish this special relationship, and I don’t want to do anything to damage it.
In order to counter the above ineffective ways of engagement with teens, I preface my comments. I use statements like these at the beginning of many of our conversations, just so they know my intent.
- I don’t want you to be perfect, but how do you want me to…
- I don’t want to be pushy, but you’re putting me in a difficult position by…
- I know we’re all imperfect, and I don’t mean to come across as a know-it-all…
- I want to hear you, but I want you to hear the heart of what I say also…
- I know we think differently about this, so help me understand your view…
How do your kids perceive you? What would they say about the way you come across? Would they say you demand perfection? Would they say you rule the roost? Would they say you rule the family kingdom with an iron fist? Would they think you are somewhat judgmental?
Ask them. Don’t be too chicken. I double-dog dare you.
Perhaps say it this way:
“Sweetheart, do you think I want you to be perfect?”
“Hey, do you feel like I come across pretty harsh and immovable sometimes?”
“I need to know something. Do you think I’m a judgmental person?”
“If you could change one thing about me, what would that be?”
“What is one thing about our relationship you would like to be different?”
Whatever their response, let it sit for a while. Then let them know you’d like to get together and talk about how you are preventing your relationship from growing. Let them know how much they mean to you. Make a pact always to clear up, address, and discuss anything that might come between this special relationship God has placed in your lives. You’ll be so glad you did.
You have a whole new year to start something new. It is my hope that you’ll take some small steps to move closer to your younger kids and teens…in ways that will strengthen your relationship, deepen your love for one another, and draw each member of your family closer together.