Do you want to have better communication with your teen? Well, believe or not, deep down your teen wants the same thing! In this article, I’ll present some of the barriers that get in the way of healthy communication and give you nine practical steps you can take right away to overcome these barriers and get closer to your teen’s heart.
1. Stop Talking
It’s normal for most parents spend a lot of time instructing and teaching their younger kids what they need to know about life. It can be hard, especially for moms, to stop turning every moment into a teaching lesson. But your teen needs your listening ears. Sometimes the reason your teen is not talking to you is that you are simply talking too much. They can’t get a word in.
2. Ask Good Questions
There’s power in a good question. If you want better communication with your teen then, spend some time thinking about deeper questions to ask your teen––questions that open up a vibrant conversation. Don’t ask “yes” and “no” questions.
Don’t ask about your teen’s schedule all the time. Instead dig deeper to find out what your teen is thinking. If they are slow to respond at first, resist the urge to jump in and spoon-feed them the answers to tough questions. Let them wrestle with a challenging question.
3. Listen
God gave you one mouth and two ears, so that you can listen twice as much as you talk. All day long, teachers, coaches, friends, and social media influencers are “talking at” your teen. When your teen is at home, they desperately wants someone to listen to them. Find out what’s on in their mind, and as they speak don’t listen to correct. Listen to understand.
4. Talk With Your Teen in Mind, Not You
Your conversation with your teen needs to be centered around them, not you. I don’t mean talking to your teen about their chores, schedule, and homework. I mean talking about things your teen is interested in. Ask questions about the things your teen likes to talk about. Look at your teen when they talk to you. Put down your phone and stop working for a minute to hear what they are saying. Make an effort to participate fully in the conversation.
If you put off your teen when they want to talk, eventually they will stop initiating conversations. So be sure to communicate in a way that expresses that you are interested in the conversation.
5. Quit Repeating the Same Thing
If your teen rolls their eyes when you talk and says things like: “You told me that” or “I already know that!”–– you need to change up the conversation. If you constantly repeat the same things over and over, your teen will tune you out. No one wants to be lectured or nagged.
The things you repeat will eventually push your teen away. So, take a moment to assess your communication with your teen. Pay attention to the things you repeat, and then if necessary, flip the script!
6. Stop Doing What is Spiritual and Start Being What is Spiritual
Teens are not concrete thinkers anymore. They will not be satisfied with a religion that is made up of rules and “dos and don’ts.” They are becoming abstract thinkers who need to see how your Christian faith looks in “real” life. Trust me, your teen can tell when you are simply going through the motions.
They see you in your best and worst moments. “Christ in you” is not simply going to church, listening to Christian music, and reading your Bible. Let your faith transform who you are from the inside out.
7. Get a Life!
Does your teen enjoy spending time with you? Do they see you enjoying your life? Do you have friends, hobbies, and healthy habits? Or are you negative, complaining, critical, demanding, judgmental, and militaristic? Develop a life that is attractive. That doesn’t mean your teen will like the same things you like or wants to spend every minute with you. But your teen will be drawn to you if you have a joyful attitude, vibrant relationships, and a growing faith.
If your life is lackluster, then now is the time to get a life! Be an example your teen can look to for what the Bible calls the “abundant life.”
8. Share Your Perspective, Not Your Opinions
Believe it or not, your teen actually wants to hear your perspective. That’s not the same as telling them what you think on every topic or sharing your opinion all the time. I mean, they want to understand what’s going on in the world and they want to hear what you have to share. Your stories and your perspective about the future can usher in a much-needed sense of hope that your teen desperately needs.
9. Quit Being So Perfect, and Show More of Your Imperfections
I have news for you. Your teen lives with you and already knows that you are not perfect, so stop acting like you are. Instead, be willing to share your struggles, hard times, and how you overcame these challenges. Your stories of imperfection are not only inspiring, but they give permission to your teen to be imperfect as well.
Conclusion
If you want your teens to talk to you, then you have to learn to a bridle your tongue and develop your listening skills. They’ve listened to you all during their preteen years––they’ve been forced to! Now it’s time for you to listen and to take that first step of getting them to come to you for the wisdom you can offer. Instead of giving them all the answers, ask more questions. Replace your lectures with discussions, offer wisdom instead of blurting out information, and commit to using your ears a lot more than your mouth. Listen with the intent to understand, not with the aim to reply.
Proverb 17:28 says, “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.” So use silence as a tool. Grandparents, you can get your teenaged grandkids to pursue you as well. You might just be surprised how much they want to talk with you, if you would just quit talking at them.
