I hear from parents who struggle with dishonesty from their teens. For some, lying becomes a predictable pattern. Parents say, “I know my teen is lying, because their mouth is open!” In this article, I’ll share four key things you need to know about teens who lie and how to help your teen learn the benefits of telling the truth.

1. There is a Reason Behind the Lying

It’s not a matter of whether or not your teen will lie to you, the question is why is your teen lying to you? Remember your teen is still figuring out how relationships work. They may feel insecure about their ability to have honest relationships. They may make up stories or post images online to appear more attractive to their peers. Many teens manipulate to make themselves appear better or different than they really are. They may also lie to avoid negative consequences or to protect their parents from the truth! Most teens want people to think well of them and they don’t want to deal with problems. Your role is to expose the truth and find out why your teen is being dishonest.

2. Lying Teens Are on a Path to Broken Relationships

We’ve all learned the hard way that stretching the truth destroys relationships. But teens are still in the process of learning why telling the truth matters. It’s so important to show your teen how lying strains relationships and creates more trouble. While you may prefer to avoid conflict, the truth is, getting caught now may save your teen’s relationships in the future with friends or a spouse. Now is the time for your teen to learn this critical life lesson!

3. It’s Possible for Teens to Lie So Much They Stop Being Able to Tell the Truth

Lying is a behavior that can quickly become a habit, especially if a teen thinks they got away with it. As the dishonesty add up, some teens even start to believe their own stories. This makes it especially difficult to call them lying, because your teen has convinced themselves they’re telling the truth! The best thing parents can do is to calmly point out deceit and present the truth. You don’t need to interrupt every conversation to correct your teen. But you do need to call out the behavior and let your teen know how it’s negatively impacting your relationship.

4. Deal with Dishonesty by Establishing Consequences

Consequences are designed to help your teen learn. They need to be established in order to show your teen that if they lie, they’ll lose something important to them––perhaps phone privileges or permission to use the car. Communicate one-on-one with your teen. When you catch your teen in a lie, simply pull them aside, call out the deceit, and enact the consequence. Consequences will get your teen’s attention more effectively than a lecture about honesty. Then as you see your teen lying less and being more truthful, reward your teen for telling the truth.

How to Deal With Dishonesty

Dealing with dishonesty at home will initially create conflict. But this conflict can be a precursor to positive change. Here are some tips to help you approach this process with courage and hope.

1. Don’t address the problem in the moment when you are angry. Don’t start an argument with your teen when you are not thinking clearly.

2. Talk to your teen about lying after you have thought through the problem, prayed for your teen, and have a calm heart.

3. Really listen to your teen when they disagree with you. Try to understand their perspective. When they feel heard, they will be more willing to listen to what you want to say.

4. Stick to the consequences. Don’t get manipulated in the moment. Some teens are really good at making excuses to get out of trouble. Follow through with the consequences you agreed on, and then move toward your teen relationally. Never cut off your relationship to punish your teen.

Conclusion

Teens lie for a reason. It may be to get out of a consequence, which is a pretty normal response to getting caught, or they just plain don’t want to let you down. This is where the comment, “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more and there’s nothing you can do to make me love you less” is a message of hope to your teen. Let them know you are a safe place and you are strong enough to hear whatever they have to say. Discourage the lies but encourage the truth, which allows the deepening of your relationship, even while your teen survives the consequence of their behavior.