Is your teen avoiding home? Do they try to wriggle out of family time? If your teen is missing in action, I’ve got news––you might be the reason they’re staying away. In this article, I’ll identify three common mistakes in parenting that push teens away. You may be doing one––or all of them––without even knowing it!  

1. Type of Parenting to Avoid: Demanding Perfection 

All parents want good things for their teens. In our pursuit of excellence, our teens might feel we are demanding perfection from them, and perfection is impossible. Here’s the problem: If you set goals that are too high, your teen may feel they can never measure up. If you are setting impossible standards for behavior or achievement, or if you’re always telling them what they’re doing wrong, they will become discouraged. I urge you to be mindful of nagging and to communicate in a way that doesn’t suggest you are never satisfied. Otherwise, your teen may eventually push you away. 

Insead of demanding perfection, help your teens set reasonable goals. Don’t shame them for their mistakes. You and I both know that mistakes are part of life. In fact, the things you see as failures, may be the opportunity you’ve been praying for to train your teen for real success. Give your teen permission to be imperfect, by sharing your stories of imperfection. Let them know it’s okay not to have it all together all the time. Create an environment at home full of grace and forgiveness. Remember, you are training your teen to become a mature adult, and part of that process involves navigating tough times. 

2. Type of Parenting to Avoid: Forcing Authority 

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about politicians, professors, or the police? These days the mention of these authority figures doesn’t elicit automatic respect. Your teens are growing up in a different culture than you did. Demanding respect or blind obedience simply because you are in charge won’t work! That doesn’t mean your teen shouldn’t learn to be respectful. It just means that saying things like, “because I said so” or “do as I say, not as I do,” won’t get a positive response. If you try to flex your authority with a teen in the absence of a real relationship, through verbal demands or physical intimidation, you will get a negative response. Your teen may feel resentment, humiliation, longing for revenge, feelings of helplessness, or even contempt.  

Instead, focus on your relationship with your teen. Lead your teens to an understanding of your God-given authority at home through the healthy, loving relationship you establish with them. Build respect by demonstrating that you care about them. Author and speaker, Josh McDowell says it this way: “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.” If you rely too heavily on your authority, you might get your teen to comply this time, but ultimately, you risk losing the relationship. People, especially teens, change because of the influence of positive relationships, not because of authority. 

3. Type of Parenting to Avoid: Being Judgmental 

Everybody these days seem to be more sensitive to offense. Teens today are sensitive about relationships and mindful of getting “cancelled.” As a result, they are often quick to call out judgmental comments from their parents. It’s an unfortunate part of the “cancel culture” teens are growing up in. You may not like it, but you need to recognize the impact it has on your teen. I’m not saying you shouldn’t stand up for what you believe in. But I am saying that you may need to change the way you engage in sensitive conversations with your teen.  Too many times a good message gets interpreted as being judgmental, and teens start pushing away.  

Teens today are sensitive about relationships and the fear of getting “canceled,” so they are often quick to call out judgmental words and comments from their parents. Because a parent’s understanding of what their child is experiencing is often limited, how can you bridge that gap? Chose words that draw your teen closer in a positive way. It is easier to speak the truth into the life of a teenager when that truth is spoken in love. 

In other words, be nice, not judgmental. Sometimes the best thing to do is say nothing. Your intentions may be good, but your timing may be off. Don’t rush into the conversation to “correct” your teen’s opinion or create a teaching moment. Consider the time and place. Your influence in your teen’s life will be determined by the temperature and timing of your comments. 

Conclusion 

There comes a time when we realize that what worked in our home during the pre-teen years, just doesn’t work in the teen years. If you believe you can keep treating your teen in the same way you did when they were in elementary school––you are wrong! Stop demanding perfection, forcing your authority, and being judgmental. It’s pushing your teen away. All parents want great things for their teens, and they should express these hopes to their teens. But it’s how you communicate that will impact your relationship. Of course, parents have been put in a place of authority over their teens. But it’s how you display that authority that determines whether your teen will draw closer or begin to push you away.

No doubt, there will be times when your teen messes up and needs you need to set them straight. But what matters is whether your words express encouragement or criticism, grace or judgement. In order to grow closer, you need to learn how to communicate grace and truth, gentleness and meekness, and positive affirmations. Your healthy relationship with your teen is more valuable than demanding perfection, enforcing your authority, or making judgements.