If you’ve ever watched your teen freeze up over a test, a text message, or absolutely nothing at all, you’ve seen anxiety up close. It’s different from the garden-variety nervousness we all remember from our own teen years like the butterflies before a big game or a first date. Today’s teen anxiety runs deeper, and it’s showing up in more homes than ever before.

In this article, I’ll explain what’s driving the anxiety epidemic among today’s teens, and I’ll give you some practical ways to help your anxious teen find real rest.

Teen Angst vs. Teen Anxiety

Let’s start with an important distinction. Teen angst is normal. It’s the “I don’t know if I can do this” feeling that’s always been part of growing up. But teen anxiety is something else entirely. It’s when a teen begins to believe they are simply incapable of handling what’s in front of them. Anxiety convinces a teen that they are not prepared to handle life.

While a small amount of that feeling can actually be healthy, when pushing a teen to work hard gets out of control it becomes all consuming. Anxiety is reaching unbelievable proportions in this generation, causing teens to shut down, retreat, or look for an escape. I’ll describe some of those amplified pressures in just a moment.

Where Does All This Anxiety Come From?

The world isn’t actually more dangerous than it was thirty years ago. Crime rates aren’t higher. It’s the constant bombardment of information about the world’s problems that makes teens feel unsafe. This information comes at our teens faster and more relentlessly than ever.

It drives a lot of what I call the “arena of uncertainty.” Teens face extreme pressure to perform well in school, confusion about gender differences, and uncertainty about what their jobs and futures will look like. Add it up, and you’ve got a generation of teens who feel like they don’t have the relationships around them to help carry the load. They may be doing well academically, but the social pressure they feel without a strong support system leaves them unable to cope.

How Teens Respond When They’re Overwhelmed

When a teen hits that “arena of uncertainty,” most of the time they aren’t prepared to handle it the way an adult might. They don’t have past experiences to guide them and give them hope that they can make it through. There are some common signs that your teen is overwhelmed. The problem is that none of these responses fix the anxiety. It might just distract them in the short term, and ultimately just make things worse.

1. Teens shut down emotionally from those closest to them. This can start with their family, but it can also extend to friends. Teens who feel overwhelmed by life may choose to withdraw from their support system and try to deal with everything themselves or ignore their feelings.

2. Teens choose the path of least resistance. They don’t think they can fix their problems so they look for something that feels easier than the problem in front of them. This often means falling in with the wrong crowd or self-medicating. Sometimes self-medicating is drugs, but it can also be vaping, alcohol, video games, busyness, or anything that numbs their pain.

3. Teens try to control everything in their life. Control feels safer than uncertainty. This might look like your perfectionistic daughter spending hours longer than she needs to on a school assignment or your son lashing out in anger when a basketball game doesn’t go his way. By holding onto the things they think they can control, your teen is trying to prevent the rest of their world from falling apart.

4. Teens may give up entirely and spin out of control. When teens suppress their feelings, they tend to escape into increasingly dangerous behaviors that result in a huge explosion. This happens when a teen becomes convinced they are failing at everything so there is no point in trying.

How Parents Can Engage With (and Help) an Anxious Teen

The most important things an anxious teen needs to know is that he is not alone. Even if you have to repeat this message again and again, your teen needs to know that there are people who will walk through these tough times with them. Here’s how parents can help.​

1. Try to talk to your teen about what they’re feeling. Help them name what they’re afraid of. Sometimes just identifying the source of the pressure, whether it’s grades, relationships or the future, can take some of the power away.

2. ​Listen to your teen, and make sure they feel heard. At the end of a conversation, try saying, “This is what I heard you telling me. Is that right?” If it is, great. If it’s not, that opens the door for them to clarify, and now you’re actually communicating. This will make your teen feel heard and like you care about what they have to say.

3. ​Work on having a strong relationship with your teen. In an unstable and often unfriendly world, your relationship is the stability your teen needs. A home that feels like a place of rest, rather than another source of pressure, is one of the greatest gifts you can give an anxious teen.

4. ​When anxiety is crippling your teen emotionally, relationally, or socially, get outside help. I promise you, if the anxiety goes unaddressed, your teen will find some way to self-medicate or cope on their own — and it likely won’t be a healthy way. Beat them to it by seeking help from a professional before things spin out of control.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … your teens need a place to retreat from the pressures of life. That place needs to be your home. If it’s not, then it’s time to make some changes. Start by asking yourself honestly whether you create stress in the life of your family. If you do, then make then make some changes. Work to make your home and your relationship a place where your teen actually wants to spend time, rather than a place they need to escape. There’s an added benefit to making a few adjustments. Change offers a freshness to relationships, an opportunity to grow, and a real chance for the grip of anxiety to loosen its hold on your teen.