When life gets hard, teens don’t usually feel like sitting down and talking it out. Sometimes they run. It can be a literal sprint out the front door, but more often it’s a quieter kind of escape — shutting down, numbing out, or disappearing into a screen. Teens run because they’ve lost hope that things can get better, or because they don’t believe the people around them are equipped to help. The good news is that every escape route has a way back.

Mom and Dad, the way back home almost always runs straight through you. In this article, I’ll walk you through five common ways teens run from their problems, and I’ll give you practical tools to invite your teen back into a closer relationship.

5 Ways Teens Run From Their Problems

Teens run away when they are missing two important ingredients: competence and hope. When a teen doesn’t know how to solve his problems and he doesn’t believe the adults around him are capable of helping, he’ll look for a way out. When teens lose hope that things can get better, they will try to get away. So here are five of the most common ways that teens run away from their problems and what you can do about each one.

1. Shutting Down

This separation can be physical, such as a closed bedroom door, or emotional where a teen simply stops talking. If your teen is shutting you out and backing away from your family, it’s time for you to move closer. Keep inviting and even requiring your teen to participate with family dinners and events, even when their response is less than enthusiastic. Don’t get frustrated and shame your teen for pulling away. Shame only fuels more withdrawal. Instead, schedule regular time with your teen to get to know her world. Once you understand what’s going on and why she’s shutting down, you can start to address the real issue, not just the behavior.

2. Running Away

When a teen feels caught, trapped, and can’t figure out what to do — they run! They may be trying to avoid the consequences of their own choices, trying to escape from a home that feels too strict, or running away from problems that feel overwhelming. Other teens run to something — like a person or place that makes them feel better. Sometimes a teen runs simply to punish mom and dad for a perceived wrong. Whatever the reason, you need to bring your teen back home and back into a relationship with you.

When your teen comes home, resist the urge to just be relieved that the nightmare is over. Spend time with your teen trying to understand why he ran. Face the problem head-on and be willing to make real changes at home, if changes are needed.

3. Self-Medicating

Some teens use substances or activities to cope with everyday life. They may feel like they can’t get through a normal day without some kind of “help.” Self-medicating might look like a teen who is using alcohol, vaping, or spending hours upon hours playing online video games. Teens who rely on self-medication are often responding to a culture that keeps turning the anxiety dial way up. Teens are under tremendous pressure at school, in sports and activities, with peers, and even at home. Self-medicating can be one way a teen attempts to find relief.

If your teen has a self-medicating problem, you also have a relationship problem. You need to offer your teen both competence and hope, or your teen will keep looking for relief somewhere else. Start by opening up the lines of communication and asking your teen questions that get behind the behavior, because all behavior is motivated. Why does your teen believe he needs that substance or that game to get through the day? Then let your teen know that you want to help.

4. Escaping Through Drugs

It often starts small, experimenting with friends, trying to fit in, being social at a party. But drug use can quickly turn into something a teen uses alone to escape reality altogether. These are teens who are numbing some kind of pain and seeking a way to escape their problems.

I’ve worked with plenty of teens who fit this pattern. One young man I’ll never forget started smoking marijuana in eighth grade, just to see what the fuss was about. What began as curiosity with friends slowly became a way to escape the stress of school and conflict at home. By high school, he was using drugs before school, after school, and skipping classes to get high. Eventually he ended up in residential counseling. Looking back, he told me the turning point was finally admitting he had problems he couldn’t outrun.

Watch for the signs of drug use, and don’t wait until the consequences pile up. Work on stopping the behavior, but don’t stop there. Go deeper and find out why your teen chose drugs in the first place, because the substance is rarely the real problem.

5. Getting Lost Online

Then there are those teens who escape reality by creating a fake life for themselves online. How they present themselves on a screen becomes all-consuming, and it slowly keeps them from being truly “present” in real life with the people who love them.

Talk about it. Tell your teen what you’re noticing, how much time he’s spending online, and set age-appropriate boundaries around screen time and internet use. Most teens who are addicted to screens do not have the maturity to choose to stop on their own. They need parents to set limits and bring them back to life in the “real world.” As you have those conversations, don’t forget to communicate your love and value for your teen just the way he is and dig deeper into why he feels the need to be someone different when he’s on a screen.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … teens run from their problems because they don’t believe there’s a path to resolution, or because they’ve lost hope that anything will really change at home. It’s your job to convince them otherwise. Stop making statements that communicate hopelessness to your teen, and quit acting like there isn’t a problem in your home. Address the issues you see and let your teen know you’re willing to work through anything, together. Offer a relationship that shouts hope and points toward a clear path to health for your teen and for your whole family. My hope is that when your teen runs, he or she will run straight toward you.