If you’re like most parents and grandparents of teens these day, you want to be close to your teen and spend quality time together, but between school, practice, texts, and slammed doors, before you know it the week is over. Sometimes the closest you get to quality time with your teen is an awkward ride to and from school. It’s easy to take that personally. It’s easy to think you’re being pushed away. But your teen is growing up, his or her social circle is widening, and responsibilities are increasing. Parents and grandparents who want to stay connected need to take intentional steps to maintain their relationship before the gap gets wider.
In this article, I’ll explain how connections get strained during the teen years, what happens when teens feel disconnected, and three steps to build a lasting connection you want and your teen is secretly hoping for.
How Connections Are Strained in the Teen Years
Teens naturally gravitate toward their friends at this age. That’s normal and expected. You did it too. But it often means teens spend a lot less time with Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa than they used to. Their frequent absences and disruptive schedule can cause some parents to become disappointed. But expressing your frustration that your teen isn’t available on your timetable will only build up the wall between you and your teen.
If you are daydreaming about taking your teen on daily walks and sharing deep meaningful conversations every time, prepare to be let down. Teens are used to communicating in short bursts. They use texts, snaps, quick replies, and they don’t always respond well to the long, meaningful discussions parents are hoping to have. Don’t be surprised if your big heart-to-heart gets interrupted by a dozen incoming texts. That’s just the world your teen lives in now, and getting frustrated about it won’t change it.
Finally, relationships that don’t “grow up” as a teens mature will dry up. What worked when your teen was seven, won’t work now. You can’t effectively parent a teen with lectures and ultimatums. Without real, two-way conversations, your teen will simply shut down, and once that happens, it’s hard to get them talking again.
What Happens When Teens Feel Disconnected
Teens who feel disconnected may start to feel unvalued, like they don’t really “belong” at home. When a teen can’t find a meaningful relationship at home, they will go looking for it somewhere else — and “somewhere else” isn’t always a safe place to land.
Connection is a powerful parenting tool and a costly one to repair when it’s damaged. I’ve spent decades working with teens from great homes, families, and churches who struggled, rebelled, and ultimately ended up in Heartlight’s residential program. I ask them all the same question: “Where would you be if it weren’t for the help you found at Heartlight?” And I hear the same two answers over and over: “I’d be dead or in jail.” They’re not exaggerating. The level of desperation teens feel when they don’t have meaningful connections with family at home is devastating. Teens will go to dramatic, incredible, and destructive lengths to fill that gap.
3 Keys to Creating Real Connection With Your Teen
1. Spend Time Together. Relationship is spelled T-I-M-E. Spend weekly time with your teen. This is something I always recommend, without exception. It’s even better if you start this habit when they are young, so the lines of communication are already strong before the storms of adolescence roll in. Your consistent presence sends a powerful message that words alone can’t communicate: “I want to hang out with you in the good times. I’ll be here for you in the bad ones.” It doesn’t have to be complicated — a weekly meal, a drive, a walk around the block. The important thing is that time together happens on a schedule your teen can count on.
2. Show Interest in Your Teen. There’s a big difference between letting your teen talk and actually showing interest in what they’re saying. Be intentional about focusing your mind and opening your ears — really listening, instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. Become a student of your teen. They’re growing and changing fast, and you might need to re-learn who they’re becoming. The teen sitting across from you today isn’t the same one who sat across from you two years ago. So don’t assume you already know everything there is to know.
3. Pursue Your Teen. Keep knocking on the door of your teen’s heart, even if it gets shut in your face. Mom and Dad, don’t give up. Grandparents, don’t stop inviting your grand teen out to dinner just because a few plans get cancelled. Keep extending the offer, creating times and situations where you can connect, even when your teen resists. Pursuit means you go first whether or not it’s reciprocated right away. Your teen may act like they don’t need you to keep trying, but they do.
A Word to Dads
Dad, your teen’s adolescent years are not the time for you to back off. You need to engage more than ever. Sometimes that engagement is going to feel uncomfortable, especially as your daughter grows from a little girl into a young woman and you’re not quite sure how to relate to her anymore. Pursue the relationship anyway.
Learn to ask good questions, and then listen to the answers instead of filling the silence with your own opinions. Remember this: moms instill value, and dads validate it. That means you have a unique and irreplaceable role to play in your teen’s life, one that Mom cannot fill on her own, no matter how hard she tries. Accept that role with humility, and show up — especially when it’s awkward, especially when you’d rather talk about the weather than about feelings. Show up and let your teen know that there’s nothing they can do to make you love them more and nothing they can do to make you love them less.
Conclusion
Hey moms, dads, and grandparents … never has there been a greater need for relationship in the life of your teen than right now. What your teen needs is something only you can offer: your time, your relationship, your wisdom, and the experiences you bring.
Parents and grandparents who invest in deep and lasting relationships during the teen years can have a powerful influence on their teens and effectively counter the culture. Quit correcting, and start connecting. Your teen desires a relationship with you more than you’ll ever know.
