Everyone needs a chance for a “do-over” or a mulligan, an opportunity to move forward without the baggage of past mistakes and failures weighing them down, especially teens. Here we are at the start of another year, and with it comes the perfect opportunity to hit the reset button in your home. Now is the time for your family to begin a new path, a new adventure, to leave the past behind, and set your teen’s sights on the future. In this article, I’ll share practical ways you can give your teen a fresh start and help your family move forward.
A New Approach
While old habits and procrastination may keep us from acting on our desires to make this year different, I want to challenge you to think of ways to improve the relationships within your family, and take advantage of a fresh start. Why? Because everyone needs a second chance or an opportunity to start over — even when they don’t deserve it. Here are some ways to begin:
1. Have a conversation with your teen. The start of the year is the perfect opportunity to reflect on the past year and spend some time talking with your teen about the changes you each want to see in the new year. Ask your teen: “How would you like for it to be different?” “What would you like to happen?” Then, just listen. Let them tell you what you can do to get them to that better place. As they talk, don’t interrupt to explain why you did things in a certain way, and certainly don’t critique your teen’s ideas. Instead be willing to make reasonable changes at home to make things better.
2. Share what it was like to have a fresh start yourself. Can you remember a time when you needed a fresh start? Reflect on your life. Then share your struggles with your teen. Tell your stories of starting over and how you felt and what you did to get better. Nothing brings people closer than sharing in difficult times. By letting your son or daughter know about your past, you are showing they aren’t the only ones who make mistakes and need grace! Your openness will make your teen feel closer to you and it gives them a long-term perspective that communicates hope!
3. Make a plan. There has to be accountability and follow-up from the initial discussion to make sure that there’s progress. I’m not suggesting you give your teen a laundry list of 25 things you want to see change! Instead, talk about your family values and expectations. Set age-appropriate boundaries and rules. Then, choose a few — three to five specific things to change. Don’t forget to establish consequences in advance. Your teens need to know, “If I break this rule, I will lose this privilege;” and yes, it’s okay to remind your teen about the rules from time to time. When your teen breaks the new rules, don’t talk yourself out of enforcing them. Stick to your plan!
4. Schedule regular time to check in with your teen. Mark it on the calendar, whether it’s talking over ice cream, coffee, dinner, or a walk in the park. If you don’t schedule it, life gets too busy, too fast, and becomes way too complicated with schedules that have an amazing way of stealing our plans out from underneath us. So remember as the year drags on, you are training your teen every time you interact with him. You’re not just giving out a command. You’re training your son or daughter to integrate the things you want them to implement in their lives.
5. Give grace. Be sure to communicate that you’re willing to give your teen a pass on past mistakes. That doesn’t mean you excuse the behavior — after all, it’s the reason there needs to be changes. But you are going to move past those mistakes and look forward to a fresh chance.
Know Which Hills to Die On
As you’re making plans for the new year, you’ve got to figure out which battles are worth fighting. Not everything deserves the same level of attention. I tell people all the time: It’s okay to lose the battle if you’re going to win the war; and the war is for the heart of your teen.
I guarantee there will still be habits and attitudes that get under your skin. But don’t let them distract your attention from the more important battles. Things like your teen’s language, clothing, style, or music may be an annoyance, but they aren’t critical. With my son it was cleanliness. I didn’t go up into his room for three years. It was a mess and I didn’t want to go up there, look at it, and be upset with him. So I just didn’t go up there anymore. It was my way of affirming the relationship and saying: “Your messy room is not as important to me as my relationship with you.” That doesn’t mean I condone laziness, bad language, or inappropriate clothes; but I’m not going to lose my relationship over those things.
Keep your focus on those things that help you to maintain a good relationship with your teen and the things that are going to keep her safe. That may be honesty, because without honesty, you don’t have a relationship. It might be substance use, if that’s something your teen struggles with. Another one that parents tend to forget is responsibility. Whatever’s going to prepare your teen for adulthood, those are the hills you need to die on.
Give It Time
We all want everything to change overnight, and it doesn’t work that way. I wish it would. We get this idea that if we tell them something, it’s going to change immediately — and it won’t. Progress happens over time. If your teen does ten inappropriate things in a week, progress is only five! Or even nine! It could be very slow. Anticipate a few backward steps along the way.
The important thing is to be consistent in the way you engage with your teen. It’s a new year, and it’s a new time for your teen. So give them time to change.
The Bottom Line
Hey Moms and Dads … your family may be having a tough time after a challenging year, but you have the opportunity to offer a fresh start, a clearing of the slate for your teen and your family. So sit down and start the discussion about a second chance for your teen to get things right, or simply figure out what you want for your family in this next year. Either way, get it on the calendar and start making plans for something different, or it won’t happen.
In the teen years life gets busy, fast, and way too complicated with schedules that have a way of stealing our plans out from underneath us. Ask your family what they would like to see happen and what changes they would like you to help them make this year, and then work hard with your teen to make it happen.
