How would you react if you found out your teen was skipping school, sneaking out at night, sexting online, or engaging in any one of the countless poor choices teens make?

Before you blow up — be prepared to respond in a way that doesn’t destroy your relationship with your teen. Just because Jesus once turned over the tables outside the Temple doesn’t give you the validation to go nuts and turn over the tables in your home when your teen behaves badly. In this article, I’ll help parents better understand why teens do the crazy things they do, and how they can protect their relationship while still teaching their teen a valuable lesson.

Here’s What Parents Need to Know

Parents are often blindsided when they discover their seemingly well-adjusted teen has been hiding significant aspects of their life. It’s shocking. You think your little angel will never do anything wrong. But here’s the truth: that’s what adolescence is! It’s an opportunity to do great things, and it’s also a series of mistakes. Going through this turbulent season of life together can build a bond between a mom, dad, and their teen — if they handle conflict in a way that produces a stronger relationship. Here’s what you need to know:

1. Inappropriate behavior is a wakeup call. When your teen does something inappropriate, it’s often shocking for everyone involved — including your teen! Many parents realize for the first time that their son or daughter is facing temptations and making choices they hoped would never come up. Your teen may be just as surprised to discover what they’re capable of doing when faced with peer pressure or curiosity. Remember, they’re becoming more independent and learning to make their own decisions. Some of those decisions will be good ones, and some will be mistakes. That’s part of growing up.

2. Don’t get scared off by what you find out. Maybe your teen posted something they shouldn’t have on social media, or your son admitted he’s been looking at pornography. Perhaps there’s a wrecked car in the driveway, or you discovered they vaped or tried marijuana. No matter what your teen has done, this is not the time to back off. It’s natural to feel scared or betrayed, but this is the time your teen needs you the most. If you shame your teen for what they’ve done, you’ll only push them further into the behavior you’re trying to stop. Instead, use this as an opportunity to draw closer and offer them your love, guidance, and support.

3. It’s not the end of the world! Your teen is not exempt. They’re just as capable of screwing up as anybody else, and you have to be ready for that. But also remember that adversity is really the best time to connect with your teen. Many parents have learned the hard way that they missed the opportunity to connect with their teen in the midst of adversity. When your teen messes up and they’re feeling horrible about themselves, it’s an opportunity for a loving, caring adult to come in and remind them that it’s going to be okay and you’re here to help them through it.

What Parents Can Do

As you navigate these challenging moments, take time to consider your response. It helps to think through how you will handle certain scenarios in advance, so you’re not caught off guard and reacting emotionally in the heat of the moment. Your teen still has choices to make, but at the end of the day, you want to maintain a strong relationship with your teen regardless of their choices. Here’s what you can do:

1. Communicate your family’s values. Even though many behaviors are widely accepted in today’s culture, they may be totally inappropriate for your family. Before problems come up, take the time to clarify your family’s values with your teen. What are your rules? What are the consequences if those rules are broken? What are the lessons that need to be taught at home? Then make sure your teen knows what you think. Engage your teen in ongoing conversations about why these values matter to your family.

2. Keep it relational. No matter what you find out about your teen, don’t let your anger or disappointment destroy your relationship. Your teen is watching to see if your love depends on their performance and behavior. This is your chance to show them that your love is steadfast, even when they mess up. Take a deep breath, calm down if you need to, and then engage with your teen from a place of love and concern, not rage or shame.

3. Keep the focus on your teen and their choices. Remember, this isn’t about your embarrassment or disappointment — it’s about your teen and their choices. It’s not about what the neighbors will think or how this reflects on your parenting. Your teen needs to take responsibility in order to learn the lessons they need to grow and mature. Help them see the connection between their actions and the consequences, without making yourself the victim in their story.

4. Stick to the consequences. Follow through on the consequences you’ve established, and don’t use those consequences as an excuse to pull away from your relationship. For example, you can take away your teen’s permission to use the family car. But while your teen is not able to drive, you should spend time with your teen — take them out for a meal or go to a movie together. Enforce the consequences while you affirm the relationship.

5. Affirm your relationship. Throughout this difficult time, be sure to affirm your relationship with your teen over and over again. Let them know: There is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and nothing they can do to make you love them less. Your teen needs to hear that you still love them, especially when they’ve made poor choices.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … I’ve never met a teen who isn’t capable of coming home and saying, “Mom, Dad, there’s something I need to tell you.” The only thing that might prevent a teen from coming clean, is their fear over how you might react! If your teen feels like they can’t come to you with their problems, or if they struggle with taking responsibility and being held accountable for the things they’ve done wrong — that’s another problem that needs to be addressed.

It could happen to you. Eventually, you may be faced with your teen’s inappropriate behavior. It may be a moment your teen fails to live up to your expectations or a feeling of disappointment when you discover that their actions don’t line up with your family’s values. Remember that this is all a part of growing up.

It’s a perfect time to help your teen learn how to bounce back from a mistake. You can transform this moment from a family crisis into an opportunity to guide your teen to a better place and deepen your relationship, or you can build a wall between you and your teen. Mistakes and poor choices happen. When it happens to you, know that your teen is a normal kid, still in need of wisdom and encouragement from his parents.