Do you feel like your teen is lazy? Unmotivated? If you’re living with a teen who seems to have lost all drive, there may be more going on. Chances are your teen has motivations — they just may not be the same as yours! In this article, I’ll help you discover what really motivates your teen and how to move him or her toward productivity. Let’s talk about five things every parent needs to know about an unmotivated teen, so you can respond with wisdom instead of frustration.

Depression, Anxiety, or Something Else?

Before we get to the list, you need to think about what’s underneath your teens’ lack of motivation, because it changes how you engage with them. Depression tends to come from things a teen knows: “I know I’m not pretty. I know people don’t like me. I know I hate myself.” These are settled, painful conclusions they’ve already decided are true. Anxiety, on the other hand, comes from things a teen doesn’t know: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to accomplish whatever’s in front of me. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Figuring out which one is shutting your teen down — or whether it’s a mix of both — will change the way you should address the problems you see at home.

1. There’s a Reason Your Teen is Not Motivated to Do Anything

Nobody wakes up and decides to become unmotivated for no reason. Is your teen lazy? Maybe — and if he is, it might be because you’ve given him everything, so he doesn’t see the need to work. Or perhaps what your teen’s allowance does not feel like enough to bother. I remember when my granddaughter got her first paycheck at 16. She looked at it and said, “That’s it? That’s all I get?”

Then again, perhaps your teen is staging a quiet protest to prove a point, just to get back at you for something. We’ve had teens at Heartlight tell us flat out, “I’m not doing anything, I want you to kick me out of the program.” Sometimes what looks like defiance is really a test to see if you’ll still show up. If your teen is holding a grudge, the first step is to find out what he’s mad about.

There’s also this: Does your teen feel like his efforts won’t make a difference? Sometimes the issue isn’t laziness — it’s that your teen wants to do something significant with their time, and the task in front of them doesn’t feel significant. Start trying to figure out why your teen is wasting time.

2. Your Teen DOES Have Motivations … They Just Might Not Be Yours

Your teen isn’t motivated by the same things that motivate you, and that trips up a lot of parents. If you ask him to go to a musical or get a cup of coffee with you, it might not move him at all — even though you’d jump at that invitation. But offer him tickets to a game or hand him a hundred-dollar bill and invite him to the mall, and now you’ve got his attention. I’m not suggesting you bribe your teen or feed a sense of entitlement. I’m saying you’ve got to find out what motivates your teen instead of assuming he’ll respond to what motivates you.

Does your teen want a computer, more phone privileges, to drive the car, go out with friends, or generally have more freedom? Once you know what your teen wants, then you can help use that to motivate your teen to take more responsibility and become more productive.

3. You Won’t Know Why Your Teen Is Unmotivated Until You Ask

How do you find out? You ask. Put the question directly to your teen: “What would motivate you to accomplish some things around the house? What would motivate you to get a job?” Ask questions that get to your teen’s heart — but don’t ask questions that communicate judgment or disdain. There’s a real difference between “What would motivate you?” and “Do you really think playing video games all day is going to get you somewhere in life?” That second question includes a critique with a side of judgment that might motivate your teen to want to just give up.

This is a great time to become a student. Watch him closely. When does he have energy? What is he excited about? How does he spend his time when nobody’s telling him what to do? Those answers will tell you more than any lecture ever will.

4. There Are Ways to Help Stir Up Your Teen Toward Good Things

Scripture tells us to “consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,” [Hebrews 10:24]. So how do you motivate a teen to do something he doesn’t want to do, and help him see there’s something positive on the other side of finishing it?:

• Try offering an incentive. Our teens are growing up in a different world than we did whether we think they should be or not. I don’t mind giving something in exchange for a chore or a good grade. You and I get paid for work, so your teen can be rewarded for doing something you want as well.
• Require a job. A paycheck — and a boss who isn’t Mom or Dad — can put a little fire under a teen who’s been coasting. Your teen will also gain self-confidence as they discover that they can work and earn a paycheck.
• Require your teen to see a therapist, to help him work through what’s really going on underneath. Sometimes you need another adult to reach your teen. Connecting your teen to a counselor does not mean you’ve failed. It means you are willing to help your teen move past the depression and anxiety that has them paralyzed right now.
• Introduce your teen to a group or activity. What does your teen like to do? Whatever it is — camping, soccer, art, cooking or an instrument — give your teen something to move toward and a place where they belong.

5. Your Teen May Have Deeper Issues Than You Can Handle Yourself

There might be something underneath your teen’s lack of motivation that’s serious and needs immediate attention. If your teen has shut down because of loss, grief, depression, or drugs, he might need to see a counselor or therapist and talk it out. You may need to change his school or environment. Take action to save your teen and help him move past his lack of motivation.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads, it’s tempting to think you know what your teen needs right now. But I’m willing to bet you don’t. Truth is that your teen probably can’t even explain why he’s lost his drive — so you’re both in the dark. That’s actually good news, because it means you’re on this journey together, discovering the answer side by side instead of you handing down a verdict from above.

Start by becoming a student of your teen. Find out what actually motivates him, not what would motivate you. Ask honest questions instead of pointed ones. Offer him real reasons to engage — a job, a group, a goal worth chasing. And if what you find points to something deeper than laziness, don’t wait to get him real help.

Above all, keep showing your teen he’s loved, no matter how unmotivated he seems. Your love, more than any lecture, is what will move your teen toward the life he’s capable of living.