I’ve never heard a parent say, “My teen has to be perfect.” Not once, in decades of working with teens and their families. But I’ve heard hundreds of teens say, “My parents expect me to be perfect.” It’s the message teens receive, whether we mean to send it or not. Somewhere between wanting good things for our teens and demanding good things from our teens, the wires get crossed.

You may be signaling perfectionism to your teen without knowing it. In this article, I’ll expose some of the ways parents push teens to be perfect, why demanding perfection backfires, and three practical ways to let your teen be imperfect.

Why We Push for Perfect (Without Meaning To)

Every parent wants good things for their teen. But when we look at a chaotic, confusing culture, our instinct is to raise the bar even higher, hoping it’ll offset the destructive forces we see at play. So, we correct a little more. We push a little harder. We say, “You can do better than that,” one too many times. Pretty soon, our teen hears something we never actually said out loud: “You’re never quite good enough.”

Here’s the part that should get your attention. When a teen doesn’t feel safe being imperfect at home, they’ll go find people who make them feel comfortable being exactly who they are. That’s rarely the crowd you’d hand-pick for your teen. Perfect people are intimidating. Imperfect people are relatable. If your teen perceives you as someone who has it all together, they’ll quietly conclude they don’t fit into your world, and they’ll go looking for somewhere to find acceptance.

3 Ways to Let Your Teen Be Imperfect

1. Say It. Don’t wait for a crisis to bring this up. Before a mistake ever happens or your teen goes looking for a place to fit in, tell your teen: “In this family, you don’t have to be perfect. We’re all works in progress.” Then, after your teen makes a mistake, keep your message simple: “I love you no matter what. Today is better with you in it.” After the dust settles, reassure your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Then help him get up and start again. Saying it out loud makes all the difference.

2. Fight the Urge to Hide Your Own Imperfections. Your teen doesn’t need a flawless parent, and you don’t need a flawless teen. In fact, it’s often the imperfect parts of us that draw people close, not the polished ones. When a teen finds out that Mom and Dad aren’t perfect, it gives them permission to admit their own struggles instead of hiding them.

You don’t owe your teen a play-by-play of every mistake you’ve ever made. But sharing the right story at the right time tells your teen that failure isn’t fatal, and that you understand exactly what it feels like to fall short.

3. Pursue Your Teens, Even When They Mess Up. When your teen falls short of your expectations, be the first to say, “I love you.” Check in regularly with your teen and ask how they’re doing. If they are suffering the consequences of a poor decision, let those consequences run their full course, and choose to stay near your teen while they do. Consequences can take away the phone, the car, or a privilege. They should never take away your presence.

Don’t shame your teen for being imperfect; shame only fuels more of the behavior you’re trying to change. And never use your relationship as a bargaining chip—either a reward for good behavior or a punishment for bad choices.  Let your teen know: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.” Then, respond with gentleness and grace, even when you don’t feel like it.

A Challenge for Parents

Here’s your homework this week. Ask your teen some of these questions, one at a time. Then do the hardest part and actually listen to the answers with a humble heart. Don’t argue, don’t defend yourself, and don’t rush to fix what you hear. Just listen and then start fresh.

• Am I demanding too much of you in this area of your life? (school, sports, etc.)
• Do you think I want you to be “perfect”?
• Are there things I’ve said that make you think I don’t like who you are?
• Are there things I don’t know about you that you’d like me to know?
• Have you been trying to tell me something that I haven’t been listening to?

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … scripture says in Matthew 5:48, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” But that verse was never intended to be a yardstick to measure you or your teen. God doesn’t shame us with unattainable standards, and you shouldn’t shame your teen by setting your expectations too high.

As your child moves into the teen years, she’ll begin to see the world differently and come face to face with the raw and sometimes painful truth that she is not perfect, no one is. But this is the season when she needs to hear from you that it’s okay to not have it all together. Admit to your teen that you are not perfect either. The truth is your teens might like you more as they discover your imperfections.