If you’re still running the same playbook you used when your teen was eight years old, I’ve got news for you: it won’t work anymore, and it might be doing more harm than good. I hear from teens all the time who tell me things like, “I wanted to prove to my parents that they couldn’t control me anymore,” or “My parents are control freaks. They trust no one, and they’ll never trust me, so I quit listening to them a long time ago.” Those aren’t throwaway comments. They’re warning signs.

There’s a big difference between control and trust, and most parents don’t even realize which one they’re practicing. In this article, I’ll explain the difference between controlling your teen and trusting your teen, and why trading one for the other will transform the relationship you have with your child.

Old Style Parenting: Total Control

There was a season when doing everything for your kids, keeping tight boundaries, and repeating yourself constantly was exactly the right call. That season is over. Holding onto those same habits into the teen years doesn’t protect your relationship, it erodes it. Here’s what needs to change:

1. Stop doing things for your teen. Overly responsible parents have a funny way of raising irresponsible teens. If you’re still swooping in and doing things for your teen that he’s capable of doing, you’re not helping, you’re handicapping. If you always take care of every little thing, he will never learn to take responsibility for himself as an adult.

2. Stop restricting age-appropriate freedoms. If your fifteen-year-old still isn’t allowed to do normal things fifteen-year-olds ought to be doing, you’re not protecting her, you’re stunting her. Freedom given in small doses now prepares her for the bigger freedoms coming soon, even if you don’t feel like she’s ready to face them.

3. Stop teaching, lecturing, and talking, talking, talking. Somewhere along the way, you got the idea that if you say “it” enough times, in enough ways, the lessons you want to convey will finally sink in. But it doesn’t work that way. Challenge yourself to move away from constant information and toward occasional wisdom. Wisdom, shared sparingly, has a way of influencing while still allowing a teen to control his own life. If your teen feels like you respect his ability to make decisions, then he is more likely to take your advice into consideration.

4. Stop nagging. It worked when your teen was little, but it does not work now.  Moms, this one’s especially for you and your sons: repeated reminders can feel like you’re chipping away at his sense of becoming a man. Say it once, then let it go.

New Style Parenting: Trust

Trust doesn’t mean you believe your teen will always make the right call. It means you believe he’s capable of learning from the calls he makes. Here’s how to build that muscle.

1. Invite your teen into the conversation. Don’t answer for him, and don’t shame him for whatever he says. Ask questions, then listen to the answer, even if it’s not the one you wanted. This encourages your teen to think for himself and figure out what he believes about the world.

2. Allow your teen freedom of choice, even in relatively big things. Handing your teen the car keys is one of the craziest privileges you’ll ever extend. But you do it anyway. And you should give your teen the freedom to take on other responsibilities too. Teens rise to the occasions we give them.

3. Encourage and even require participation at home. Require your teen to take on more responsibilities at home. Then focus on praising your teen for what she’s doing right instead of harping on everything she’s getting wrong. Your teen wants more freedom, so show your teen that freedom comes with responsibility. Letting your teen do more communicates respect for your teen’s ability to make his or her own choices.

4. Create an atmosphere at home that allows for imperfection. Mistakes aren’t a departure from the plan. They are exactly how your teen is able to learn and grow.

Addressing Parents’ Fears About the New Style

“But Mark, if I let my teen do things on his own, he’ll fall flat on his face!” Probably. And that’s how he learns. If you let him try, when he messes up, you may find that he comes back asking, “How would you have done this differently?”

“But Mark, my teen isn’t mature enough to make big decisions.” You know why? Because he’s never practiced making big decisions. Maturity and decision-making grow together. Give him practice reps now so he’s ready to carry the heavier stuff later.

“But Mark, what if I release control and my teen doesn’t want to be around me anymore?” It’s usually the opposite. Teens run from control. They run toward trust. If your teen feels like you respect her as a person, she will respect you more in return and seek out your wisdom and guidance, instead of running from it.

“But Mark, if I let my teen have control, our house will be in chaos!” Over-control causes more chaos than it prevents. A house built on control isn’t peaceful, it’s just quiet, and those aren’t the same thing. Controlled teens aren’t necessarily better behaved, they’re just better at sneaking around.

“But Mark, my teen is too lazy to be trusted with anything.” There’s usually a reason for the laziness, and it’s often a lack of motivation, not a lack of ability. Handing over some real responsibility might be exactly what moves him past it.

A Few More Words to Parents

Trusting your teen is tough. I get it. But don’t let difficulty stop you from raising an independent son or daughter. Your teen will keep acting like a teen. That’s okay. It’s a season of life that all of us go through. But trust what you’ve already built. The foundation you’ve poured into your teen over the years doesn’t disappear. It’s still there, and your teen will come back to it. Have faith that God is working in your teen’s life and in yours.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads… when your teen begins to understand that you are for him taking control of his life, for him developing his independence, and for him showing you how he can do it, you’ll have a teen who responds to your correction, input, and wisdom. I think we all eventually come to the conclusion that we were never really in control of our teens anyway. So, give up control now and trust the seeds you’ve sown into the life of your teen. Trust that God is the One who can bring those seeds into fruition, and He is holding your teen in the palm of His hand, just as He holds you.