When your family is in crisis, the most dangerous thing you can do is nothing. I’ve seen too many parents freeze up, hoping things will somehow magically improve on their own. They won’t. If you’re watching your teen spiral downward — whether it’s substance abuse, self-harm, defiance, or other dangerous behaviors — I strongly encourage you to take action quickly!

In this article, I’ll help you recognize when your family needs help, walk you through a three-step plan, and share specific ways to get help before it’s too late.

How to Know If Your Family Needs Help

Pay attention to what other people are telling you. If multiple people are expressing concern, that’s a clear sign that you need to act, and here are some specific questions to ask yourself:

• Has your teen’s behavior deteriorated in the last six months?
• Do you have reason to believe their behavior will worsen in the next six months?
• What does your teen’s counselor say? (If they’re not in counseling, that needs to be your first step.)
• What do your teen’s friends say is the problem? Or their youth leader, teacher, pastor, siblings, school administrators, neighbors?

Choose to Intervene: Three Critical Stages

When families come to Heartlight, I hear the same refrain: “I can’t believe we got here. How did this happen?” The truth is most crises don’t happen overnight; they build gradually. Here’s how to approach it.

STAGE ONE: Accept what’s happening. This can be a very lonely and very painful time. I’ve had countless parents tell me their teen went upstairs one person and came down six months later as someone completely different. But here’s what really happened—the change was gradual, and they missed the warning signs along the way.

If you have a blind spot when it comes to your teen, ask those people closest to you. Many parents can’t recognize the severity of their own problems because they’ve been living with their teen day after day, and they don’t see what others clearly observe. So ask your teen’s teachers, youth leaders, counselors, and friends what they’re seeing. Then—and this is crucial—don’t get defensive when they tell you the truth. Take a day to get over your embarrassment or denial. After that, focus on saving your teen’s life.

STAGE TWO: Justify the intervention. Most parents feel alone at the beginning of a crisis, but you don’t have to do this by yourself. Other people in your teen’s life should be involved and agree with your decision to intervene. Talk to your valued neighbors, friends, small group leaders, and church leaders. You’re going to need their support as you take the next step.

Then you’re going to have to sit down with your teen and say, “We’re not living like this anymore.” “We want things to be different.” Or “You cannot continue living here the way you have been living.” Is that hard to say to your 14-year-old daughter or 16-year-old son? Sure it is! But when you recognize that you’re trying to save their lives, it should change your perspective.

Look ahead to when your teen is 19, 25, and 30 years old. Do you want these destructive patterns to continue into their adult years and future relationships?  If you don’t intervene now, your teen will face even greater risks and may move in a direction you never imagined was possible.

STAGE THREE: Plotting your course. If you’re your teen’s current, destructive behaviors are allowed to continue, there may be grave consequences. Make a plan to pull your teen out of their nosedive. This might require you to get outside help, counseling, or even remove your teen from your home temporarily. Remember these steps are needed to save your teen’s life. This is not the time to mull over your life choices, to wonder where everything went wrong, to shift blame, or to disengage from your teen. It is the time for action!

Specific Ways to Get Help for Your Teen

1. Counseling (for your teen, your whole family, or both). Find a counselor who knows what they’re doing — not just someone who can quote Scripture, but someone who can apply biblical principles that touches your teen’s heart. Here’s how you’ll know it’s a good counselor: Your teen will want to go back and spend time with them again.

2. Hospitalization (needed whenever teens might harm themselves). If your teen is using substances heavily, coming home drunk, or showing signs of self-harm, they may need to be hospitalized for their own safety. Don’t hesitate to take this step if needed.

3. Families in Crisis Conference. These events are designed to give you practical tools and hope. Ninety percent of the people who come to our Families in Crisis Conferences never have to send their teen to a residential program like Heartlight. They learn strategies they can use at home to prevent the situation from deteriorating further. I see parents walk in quietly with their heads down, and leave energized because they fall in love with the idea that there may be hope in their situation.

4. Residential Program (like Heartlight). If counseling, hospitalization, and family conferences don’t work, a residential program where your teen can spend extended time working through their difficulties may be necessary. Heartlight is expensive. But sometimes it’s the emergency room your family needs when everything else has failed. These programs provide structure, therapeutic support, and time away from negative influences, giving teens the space to reset and parents the tools to restore their relationship.

A Word of Hope

Here’s what I’ve learned after working and living with thousands of teens at Heartlight: Conflict is a precursor to change. You only get to the breakthrough by working through the conflict. When teens see there’s a ladder out of the hole they’re in — when they realize they can get to a better place — relationships are restored and hope is renewed.

The world’s view of peace is the absence of conflict. But God’s definition of peace is hope in the midst of conflict. There’s no greater investment you can make than investing in your teen’s life right now. What you do will determine whether your teen can hold a job, whether their wedding day will be filled with celebration or regret, and what kind of parent they’ll be.

Pray for your teen. Engage with your teen. Take control of the things over which you have control. Then watch with anticipation what God will do! I’ve seen amazing things happen with teens whose situations looked hopeless. More importantly, I’ve seen relationships restored and hope renewed in families that thought they’d never recover.

Conclusion

Hey moms, dads, and grandparents . . . No one wants to have a family crisis, but with guidance and direction, your hope can be renewed and relationships can be restored. This moment is just a chapter in your family’s book, and it’s time to turn that page and take action to change your family’s story. I’m convinced God will honor His promise to turn your mourning into dancing, your sadness into joy, and your ashes into beauty. Hold on to His promises and with His help, you will make it through this painful time.