Adoption of a child is one of the most admirable actions that parents can take as they bring someone outside their family into their heart and home. But the journey of adoption is complex and deeply personal, filled with beautiful moments of connection and challenging periods of adjustment, especially during the teenage years.

If you’re an adoptive parent, you may find yourself facing unexpected obstacles when your child reaches adolescence. As someone who has worked with hundreds of families, roughly one-third of the teens at our residential counseling center are adopted. This doesn’t mean people shouldn’t adopt—quite the opposite. It’s an encouragement for parents to consider the road ahead and be equipped for the unique challenges adopted teens face.

In this article, I’ll share what I’ve learned about adoption and the critical barriers that can emerge during the teenage years—along with how you can navigate them successfully.

10 Reasons Why Families Adopt

1. To complete their family. Adopted teens have told me they don’t like hearing they were adopted to complete their family. It puts a lot of pressure on them to fit in seamlessly. They feel like the final piece to a puzzle rather than an irreplaceable part of their family.

2. To take on a mission project. Treating a teen like a “mission” creates an unhealthy dynamic where the teen feels like a project to be fixed rather than a person to be loved.

3. To fill a void. When adoption is primarily about meeting Mom and Dad’s emotional needs, teens may feel responsible for healing other people’s pain rather than being free to just be a kid.

4. To have a badge to show others. Sometimes adoption becomes about how it looks to others. But external validation rarely provides the foundation needed for families to weather the difficulties of the teen years.

5. A thought that should have been thought through a little more. Impulsive decisions, even good-hearted ones, don’t always prepare families for the long-term realities of adoption.

6. Wanting to be like other families. Peer pressure isn’t just for teens. It exists in parenting decisions too! But following others’ paths won’t guarantee success in your own parenting journey.

7. To provide a home for a child in need. This heart for service and love can be a beautiful foundation for adoption.

8. Because the church told them they should. External pressure, even from well-meaning communities, isn’t enough to sustain families through all of life’s hardships. In fact, it can lead to resentment when adoption isn’t “working out” the everyone expected.

9. Because God called them to add a person to their family. This divine calling, when genuine, can provide the spiritual strength and endurance needed for the road ahead.

10. And more! There are so many different reasons why people adopt.

5 Things to Consider When Adopting

Adoption is a beautiful choice, but one that should be considered thoughtfully. Many families survive the adolescent years with their adopted teen because they are committed to meeting their needs and doing everything they can to let their teen know they are loved in spite of the struggles. Here are some things to reflect on, when considering adoption:

1. What’s the “right reason”? Who knows? Just because kids are adopted for any number of reasons, doesn’t mean God can’t turn it all into a wonderful experience. But understanding your motivations—and being honest about them—will help you parent more effectively when difficulties arise.

2. Nurture doesn’t always trump nature. Adopted teens come with baggage, and the hardest part is not knowing what that baggage contains. If parents don’t understand that nurture doesn’t always trump nature, it can be difficult to adjust during the teen years. Instead, parents need to accept that some challenges may be beyond control, while providing consistent support. Don’t take their struggles personally—they’re not a reflection of your parenting.

3. Physical differences become magnified during adolescence. The difference in skin color or hair type, may not mean a whole lot when kids are young, but it might become important during the teen years when appearance and fitting in becomes everything. Be proactive in discussing these differences before they become painful. Help your teen develop an understanding of their heritage and identity. Don’t pretend differences don’t exist, but don’t make them the defining feature of your relationship either.

4. Celebrations may trigger complex emotions. Teens interpret experiences differently than you. For example, a “Gotcha Day” celebrating the day they were adopted may be joyful for you, but it also may remind a teen they were once given up. That may not have mattered when they thought concretely, but now that they think abstractly, they may perceive these celebrations differently. Do what you can to create space for honest conversations about how they’re feeling, without trying to minimize their emotions. Then, follow your teen’s lead on how they want to acknowledge their adoption story. Don’t force celebrations that feel painful to them, but don’t avoid the topic entirely either. Ask questions like, “What would feel meaningful to you right now?” Be willing to adjust traditions as they grow and change.

5. Wounds takes time to heal. Adopted teens experience a wound that might take them years to get over. I don’t see many adopted kids resolving their issues until they get into their twenties. This abandonment wound isn’t something that can be loved away with good parenting—it’s a deep part of their story that needs time to heal. Be patient with the process and don’t take their struggles personally. Your teen may need to explore questions about their birth family, their heritage, or their place in the world. This doesn’t mean they love you less—it means they’re doing the important work of understanding who they are. Consider professional counseling that specializes in adoption issues, and remember that healing is a journey, not a destination.

Conclusion    

Your adopted teen might one day think differently than you do and feel things that you will never feel. There might be challenges as they wrestle through some identity issues and grapple with the fact that they were abandoned by their birth mother. As adopted teens mature and move from concrete thinking to abstract thinking, there may be more challenges as the deal with feelings and thoughts they’ve never encountered before.

Be assured that most adopted teens go through the same transformation as any other teen. But the needs and desires might look a little different. My encouragement to all families of adopted teens is just to know that there may be some challenges on the road ahead. Be prepared to detect and deal with these issues before they turn into bigger problems.

There are many seasons of adoption and just because this season has a few more storms, doesn’t mean you made a mistake in adopting your teen. You’ll discover, that just as a season ends, another season will begin.