No one wants to admit that their family is falling apart. But confronting reality and facing your teen’s destructive patterns before it’s too late, begins with taking an honest look at what’s really happening at home. Many parents wonder when is the “right” time to intervene, and I tell them, “now.”  Your teen is acting the way they are for a reason, and that’s what you’ve got to find out — or else the issue won’t be resolved. It will carry on past the teen years and into their adult life to affect future choices and relationships. Now is the best time to deal with destructive behaviors because they point to deeper issues in your teen’s life.

This is where you get to choose if you’re strong enough to confront your family’s issues with boldness and confidence. In this article, I’ll help you recognize when intervention is necessary and guide you through how to take action before it’s too late.

10 Characteristics of a Teen Who Needs Intervention

Teens don’t come with an instruction manual, but there are warning signs. Every teen will have at least one or two characteristics of a teen who needs intervention. That doesn’t necessarily mean every teen is headed for disaster. They all struggle with something. But if your teen is  displaying four or five of these signs, you need to do something right away.

1. Loving things they once hated; hating things they once loved. When your teen loses his passions and interests, it’s time to pay attention. Maybe he wants to drop church or give up on activities he once enjoyed. If so, your teen may need help.

2. A breakaway from old friends and an attraction to a new group of peers. Finding new friends isn’t necessarily bad. But some friendships are not beneficial. So if your teen is hanging out with a different group that causes you concern — it’s time to find out why. Who are these new friends? What do they have in common with your teen?  And what caused the change?

3. Isolation from activities, family, friends, and once-fun opportunities. Does this sound like a familiar conversation in your home? “Hey, let’s go wakeboarding.” “No, I don’t want to do that anymore.” Or “Dad, I want to drop out of football.” “Mom, I don’t want to be in the band anymore.” Or “I don’t like church.” When you couple this with other warning signs, you begin to see a pattern of disconnecting that should prompt you to ask your teen some deeper questions. It’s time to help bring your teen back into connection.

4. A drop in grades and a loss of desire for the future. Poor grades don’t necessarily mean your teen needs an intervention. But a loss of motivation and hope that things can get better is a cause for concern. Something is causing your teen to fail. It could be a loss, depression, drugs, or something else.  When they start shutting down, you have to pay attention.

5. A critical attitude. When your teen’s needs aren’t getting met, they can become critical and agitated against everyone — including Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Grandma, Grandpa, and the dog! That kind of negativity is scary, and can be a warning sign of serious depression.

6. Lack of personal responsibility for their actions. Does your teen blame everyone else for their problems?  When teens start playing the victim, especially if they used to take responsibility and now they’re saying, “This isn’t my fault. The teacher failed me because they hate me. You’re not letting me do this because you’re too strict” — that’s a sign that there’s no accountability, which means there’s no growth.  However, if you’re sensing that your teen is lying to you to get out of taking responsibility for his actions, that’s a sign of something else. Your teen may be hiding something from you. Either way, it’s time to find out what they’re trying to cover up!

7. Sharp attacks on anyone who says anything about any of these problems. When your teen reacts to your concern with defensiveness, anger, or hostility there’s something else going on. You need to get to the heart of the matter and find out why your teen feels like the rest of the world is against him.

8. Constant violation of house rules and expectations. If you’ve established clear rules for your family and your teen is repeatedly and recklessly blowing past all the boundaries, you’re in trouble. I’m not talking about being late for curfew once or twice or forgetting to take out the trash. I mean constant disregard for your family values. Start by looking at your rules. Are they reasonable? Does your teen know what you expect? If not, you may need to make adjustments and try again. Some teens just need a reminder, while others need a whole new approach to get their attention, and that may require intervention.

9. When consequences no longer work. The other piece of establishing rules is setting consequences that your teen can expect. Do you threaten to take action but never follow through? Have you enforced consequences consistently? If your consequences don’t stick or don’t really impact your teen’s life, you need to make a change. When consequences aren’t working to deter negative behavior, then you’ve got to look somewhere else to intervene.

10. When your teen no longer listens to you, siblings or other trusted adults. This is the scariest part. When your teen isn’t listening to the people in his life and the closeness that you once had is gone, that’s a clear sign that you’re going to need outside help.

How to Intervene With Teens

Once you’ve determined that there’s a problem, it’s time to take action. Here’s what you can do to begin moving your teen to a better place:

1. Start by talking to your teen. Begin with an honest conversation about what you’re seeing and what concerns you. Give your teen the opportunity to open up. Then listen without correction, critique, or judgement. You may find out that the reason behind your teen’s troubling behavior is something you can handle together. But you may also discover deeper issues.

I can already hear some parent saying, “Mark, my teen won’t talk to me.” If you can’t get your teen to open up, you will need outside help.

2. Get outside help and counseling. Find a counsellor who has experience and skill connecting with teens. Try more than one, if needed. Counseling can be a great way to help your teen talk about what’s going on inside his head. Remember you’re pursuing your teen’s heart. Don’t just focus on behavior. Get to the root of why your teen is acting the way they are.

3. Establish regular, weekly, one-on-one time with your teen. Put it on the calendar and make it a priority. Don’t miss this opportunity to grow closer to your teen. Hard times can pull you together in the long run, so don’t disappear when things get hard. This is when your teen needs you most. If things don’t go well at first, keep trying. Don’t try to have this conversation in passing or when everyone else is around. Make it intentional. And know that not every meeting will end with hugs and smiles. Keep trying. Your teen needs to know that you want to spend time together because your relationship matters.

4. Make a change in your teen’s environment. Sometimes parents need to shake things up in their teen’s life. Whether that’s changing schools, limiting certain friendships, or considering something like Heartlight — don’t be afraid to make the changes necessary to help your teen.

5. Let your teen know that you want to help. It may seem obvious, but your teen needs to know you really care and want to help. Be vulnerable about what you’re feeling. Let them know that your relationship matters more to you than being right. Then, take some time to consider the way you’ve been communicating with your teen. If you are constantly correcting or shaming your teen, you will push her away from you and deeper into her struggles. Instead, express that you are on her side. Let your teen know there is nothing they can do to make you love them more and nothing they can do to make you love them less.

Conclusion

Hey Moms, Dads and Grandparents … This is what I’ve found to be true. Some parents are hesitant to get their teen help from outside sources. They are praying and hoping that the problems will take care of themselves. They worry that leaning on others for help might be a sign of weakness or failure as a parent. But these are not productive mindsets. If your teen is struggling, do something now. Intervening in their life might just save it. I’m talking about taking action to save those teens who you know aren’t going to be around in six months if they keep doing the same thing.

You have a front-row seat to your teen. Love them enough that you will even let them hate you in the process of getting help. This isn’t about you — it’s about being the involved parent that acts immediately when crises arise.