The parent-child relationship is one of life’s most meaningful. But if being called “Mom” or “Dad” is the only thing that matters — you have a problem!

Losing your identity often starts with good intentions. Well-meaning parents look for “something” they can do with their kids in hopes of making strong connections through that activity. You want to be involved. You want quality time with your teen. So you look for activities you can share — sports, music, theater, whatever. There’s nothing wrong with that! In fact, I encourage it. But if you’re not careful, things can go sideways.

While family is a priority, parents shouldn’t lose their personal identity. In this article, I’ll explain why many moms and dads often lose themselves in parenting, and I’ll offer practical ways to maintain your individual identity while still being the engaged, loving parent your teen needs.

Here’s What Typically Happens

I know parents who get so wrapped up in their kids’ activities — baseball practice, gymnastics meets, band concerts — that they forget they had interests, hobbies, and relationships before those kids came along. When those activities end or those kids leave home, these parents are left wondering, “What am I supposed to do now?”

Let’s take baseball, as an example. A dad decides to play ball with his son. He drives him back and forth to training, batting instruction, and games. Mom brings snacks, coordinates the schedule, and signs up to be “Team Mom.” Both are completely engrossed. It’s become their main connection to their teen. But what happens when baseball is over?

This is where it gets painful. One day that teen stops playing ball, chooses some other activity that has no room for parents’ involvement, or eventually simply leaves home. Now Mom and Dad have lost their identity. They don’t know who they are anymore outside of being “Tyler’s mom” or “Sarah’s dad.”

On the flip side, I know a young man who told me the only reason he kept playing baseball was because he feared he would lose the relationship with his dad, if he quit. This young man felt trapped by his father’s identity being wrapped up in his baseball career. That’s not healthy for anyone involved. If your relationship with your teen is built entirely on their participation in one activity, you’ve got a problem.

There’s enormous pressure on teens when your purpose becomes about them. There’s pressure to do everything right, pressure to make you proud, pressure to keep you close, and pressure to continue in activities they may no longer enjoy. Your teen shouldn’t feel guilty about quitting something because they’re worried about losing their connection with you.

And there’s more to it. Over-consumption of one activity can lead to the demise of another. When parents become too invested in one thing, it squeezes out time needed to develop their career, their relationships with other kids in their family, or even their marriage. I’ve watched marriages deteriorate because every weekend is consumed with travel tournaments. I’ve seen siblings feel completely neglected because Mom and Dad are always at their brother’s games or their sister’s competitions. They see Dad consumed with one sibling’s soccer and wonder why they don’t matter as much. They watch Mom pour all her energy into another child’s gymnastics and feel invisible.

These challenges are things every parent needs to consider before investing time and energy into a new activity.

Practical Ways Parents Can Keep Their Identity Outside of Parenting

Hear me loud and clear: It’s great to be involved with your teen. I encourage it!  But there are ways to get involved without sacrificing your marriage, your work, your relationships with other kids in the family, or your identity.

1. Find an activity you can do that has a lifelong connection. Look for something that’s not entirely dependent on your teen’s participation or performance. For example, travel can become a lifelong passion. Maybe it’s an annual camping trip, or a yearly visit to a national park, or skiing together. These trips can become traditions you can continue even after the kids leave home, and they won’t take over your entire identity.

Fishing is another great one — you can fish alone, with friends, with your spouse, or with your kids, and you’ll still be fishing when you’re 80!

Or consider a mutual hobby like rebuilding a car. I know a dad who started restoring classic cars with his son when the kid was 15. Now the son is 30 with kids of his own, and they’re still working on cars together. But here’s the key — the dad was already into cars before his son got interested. He had his own identity in that hobby, so when his son eventually got busy with his own family, Dad didn’t lose his purpose.

2. Make sure to not neglect your spouse or other children. This bears repeating because it’s so important and so often ignored. I’ve counseled families where the marriage was hanging by a thread because every spare moment and dollar went to one child’s competitive sports. No date nights. No couple time. No conversations that didn’t revolve around practice schedules and tournament brackets. One mom told me she couldn’t remember the last time she and her husband had gone out alone together. When I asked if they ever just sat and talked anymore, she teared up. “We don’t even know what to talk about besides the kids,” she admitted. That’s tragic, and it’s far too common.

The impact of over involvement on siblings is real and lasting. That resentment doesn’t just disappear. Every one of your kids needs your time and attention. If one child’s activities are dominating the family calendar, you need to make some changes.

3. Set your priorities. This means making time for things that nourish your soul. Maybe it’s going to the gym, or having coffee with friends, or being part of a community group. Maybe it’s pursuing a hobby you love, or volunteering for a cause you care about. Whatever it is, don’t feel guilty about it. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s necessary. You’ll be a better parent, a better spouse, and a better person when you’re not running on fumes.

You must take care of yourself so you have something to offer to your spouse, neighbors, and church community. Your physical health matters. Your mental health matters. Your spiritual well-being matters. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

4. Balance, balance, balance! Try to have a life outside of your home. Join a small group at church, start counseling if you need it, participate in women’s groups or a guy’s Bible study, or pick up a sport. When you have outlets and interests outside of your kids’ activities, you’re modeling healthy boundaries. You’re showing your teen that it’s important to have a life, pursue interests, and maintain friendships throughout all seasons of life.

One more thing — don’t wait until your nest is empty to develop your own interests. Start now. If you wait until your teens leave home to figure out who you are outside of being a parent, it’s going to be a rough transition. Maintain your hobbies, nurture your friendships, and invest in your marriage throughout your parenting years, not just before or after.

The Bottom Line

Hey moms and dads … I’m all about keeping families together. But there’s something that gets very little attention in parenting conversations — you!

To be the best mom or dad, and even to continue to be a long-lasting grandparent, you’ve got to take care of yourself. At times, you need a break. Other times, you and your spouse need to go out and rekindle that spark. Go out together and remember why you got married in the first place. It’s okay to have a hobby and spend time with a small group of men or women.

Your mental health is important. Your social world is important. Your physical health is important. My encouragement is that you would take a break from the intensity of fulfilling one of the greatest privileges in this world, which is taking care of your family. Create balance so that you can be the best spouse, friend, and yes — parent.