Your daughter starts talking, texting, acting, and dressing like a completely different person. Your son’s grades plummet and he suddenly drops out of sports and church activities. Your family meals, activities, and conversations turn into war zones. Your son drives home drunk.
These questions swirl in your head:
“Why is he silent?”
“Why doesn’t she want to talk with us?”
“Why would he rather sit alone in his room than be with us?”
“Why does he act this way?”
“Why can’t she explain what she’s thinking?”
Situations like these happen to the most wonderful of families with great kids. In this article I’ll help parents discover what’s happening with their teens and discover new ways to restore peace and joy in your home as you more fully understand what’s happening in your teen’s life.
What to Do When You Have No Idea What’s Going on Inside Your Teen
Here’s the truth that might surprise you: Most of the time, your teen doesn’t know what’s going on either! The teenage brain is under construction. They are moving from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. They are beginning to question the values they learned as a child, and figuring out who they really are. That means your teen is operating with adult-sized thoughts and emotions, but limited life experience and capacity to process these thoughts.
They’re dealing with peer pressure, academic stress, social media comparisons, and rapid physical changes all at the same time. Your job is to figure out what is going on and how you can better meet their needs. Here’s what you can do when you don’t know what’s going on with your teen:
1. If you’ve asked, “What’s going on?” and received no answer, change the question.
Try asking questions that allow your teen to describe their feelings, experiences, or fears. Try something like: “If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?” “Is there something I can change to make things better for you?”
Hold off on judgment so your teen feels safe to share honestly. If you constantly correct or shut them down as soon as they say something you don’t like, they will find someone else to confide in. But if you give them the opportunity to express themselves, your teen will believe you care about what they think and how they feel, even when it is against what you believe. Remember, you’re not looking for a confession; you’re looking for connection.
2. Spend time together even when your teen acts like they want nothing to do with you.
At first, you might have to require your teen to set aside time to spend together. But make it happen and make it a regular event, perhaps once a week. Get together one-on-one, without an ulterior motive for prying. Take them for ice cream, go for a meal, work on a project together, or find an activity they enjoy. You are building up trust and showing your teen you value the relationship, not just their compliance.
Pay attention to when your teen is most likely to talk. Some teens open up during car rides when they don’t have to make eye contact. Others talk late at night when the house is quiet. Some need physical activity, like tossing a ball back and forth, to help them process their thoughts. Whatever it is, work with your teen to find ways to get them to open up, without forcing conversations when it’s convenient for you.
As you spend more time together, here’s a caution: Don’t turn every moment into an interrogation or a teaching opportunity. Just being together is enough.
3. Give grace.
It is possible your teen doesn’t know what’s going on either. Allow for confusion and frustration—it’s hard for them too! When your teen says, “I don’t know” for the hundredth time, believe them. They might genuinely not have the words to express what they’re feeling. Instead of pushing harder, offer grace.
When a teen says, “You know, I’m not so sure I believe this God thing.” That can be a scary place for parents, but it can be a wonderful place for your teen. What they’re doing is trying to make their faith personal. They are in the process of transferring what you’ve taught them into their own life. If you make yourself available, listen, and offer grace, you can play an instrumental role in making sure that they understand how everything you’ve taught can be applied to this new world they are being exposed to. It’s not a time to disengage, it’s a time to engage.
4. Watch for signs of depression.
If your teen is shutting down across the board and can’t explain why, it may be more than just a phase—it could be depression. Teens who feel overwhelmed by life may withdraw rather than face it, and they need help to work through those feelings.
Signs to watch for include:
- Persistent sadness or hopelessness
- Loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Trouble concentrating
- Unexplained anger, irritability, or withdrawal
Depression in teens doesn’t always look like tears—it can wear many faces. When you notice these patterns, reach out to a trained counselor who knows how to connect with teens and guide them toward hope.
5. Communicate your intentions.
Let your teen know you will not sit around and do nothing while they are struggling. Talk through a plan together. Communicate that you’re on the same team. Tell them that you’ll stick with them no matter what, but some things will change! Your teen needs to hear from you that you are trying to help. You are not trying to ridicule, shame them, or tell them where they’re wrong.
Remember building trust takes time, especially if your relationship has been strained. Don’t expect overnight changes. Your teen might test you to see if you really mean it when you say you want to help. So stay consistent in your approach, even when progress feels slow.
Conclusion
If you want to know what’s going on with your teen, make sure your own actions and attitudes are not hindering your teen from sharing with you. Ask your teen to tell you how you may be getting in the way of growing the relationship. Let them know that you really care about what they think and are ready to listen.
Create an atmosphere of openness at home. If your teen isn’t used to being vulnerable and opening up about what’s going on in their world, you may have to make some changes. Think about what is obstructing the opportunity to have those deeper discussions: Are there interruptions or distractions at home? Does your teen feel like they need to be perfect around you? Are they hiding some kind of loss or shame?
When a teen stays quiet, it doesn’t always mean they don’t want to share—it may mean they don’t know how. This is where your example matters. Look for ways you can adjust to strengthen your relationship. Create a home environment that feels safe, warm, and welcoming. Gently help your teen put their thoughts into words by asking thoughtful questions and truly listening to the answers. No matter what they share—or don’t share—keep pursuing them. Deep down, they want someone to truly know their heart. That someone is you.
