You’ve probably heard that listening is essential to building a better relationship with your teen. But why is listening so important, and what are we listening for? Here’s what I know to be true: Teens are struggling to find someone, anyone, to give them an ear. When teens get a new “follower” online or a “like” for an image they posted, it makes them feel like they’re getting the attention they so desperately want. But it’s not real.

The sad reality is that no one is really listening to teens. So, the single, greatest weapon any parent has in their arsenal to push back against the pressure of social media in their teen’s life, is their willingness to listen to a teen. Listening becomes the key that opens up their heart. In this article, I’ll share the bountiful benefits of listening to your teen on a deeper level and offer practical ways to make listening a habit in your home.

Here’s What Parents Should Listen For When Talking to Teens:

1. Your teen’s heart. Behind every eye roll, sarcastic comment, and slammed door is a teen who’s trying to figure things out. When you listen for your teen’s heart, you’re listening past the attitude, and seeking to understand what’s really going on inside. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Insecure? Excited about something? Don’t just hear their words, listen to their heart!

2. Your teen’s ideas and opinions. Your teen is developing their own thoughts about everything from politics to pizza toppings. You don’t have to like it, but you need to listen. Instead of dismissing their ideas as immature or wrong, try to understand. Ask questions that help your teen think through their thoughts, rather than shooting them down. Ultimately, your teen’s opinion matters, even if it’s different from yours. When you listen to your teen’s opinions,  you’re communicating that their thoughts have value and that you care.

3. Your teen’s growth. Listen for signs that your teen is maturing. Maybe your teen handled a difficult situation better than they would have six months ago. Maybe they’re showing more empathy toward others. Growth may come slowly––sometimes in tiny increments––but every step in the right direction should be acknowledged and affirmed. When you listen, you can encourage the positive changes you want to see more.

4. Your teen’s struggles. Every teen faces challenges, whether it’s academic pressure, social drama, or internal battles with anxiety. When you listen for what your teen is struggling with, you’re not trying to fix everything, but you are acknowledging that life is hard. Sometimes, just knowing that someone else understands their struggle is exactly what teens need.

5. Your teen’s joy and interests. What lights up your teen’s face? What gets them excited? Maybe it’s a new song, a hobby, or a friend. When you listen for joy and interests, you’re connecting with the parts of your teen’s life that bring them happiness. This is where you can build positive memories and deepen your connection.

6. Your teen’s needs. Your teen might not directly say, “I need encouragement” or “I need space to figure this out.” But when you listen carefully, you can pick up on cues that tell you what they really need. Sometimes what they need is someone who is willing to just sit with them and listen. So make sure your teen knows you are available to hear them out anytime of the day or night.

Here’s What Happens When Parents Listen on a Deeper Level:

1. You communicate love. Listening is one of the most loving things you can do for your teen. When you put down your phone, turn off the TV, and really listen, you’re saying, “You matter to me.” Trust me: Your teen feels your love the most when you give them your undivided attention, time, and focus.

2. You make yourself available and “safe”. The more you really listen to your teen, the more your teen will trust you with the things in their heart that are hurting, ashamed, lost, or confused. When your teen knows you won’t immediately freak out, judge them, or launch into a lecture, they’ll be more likely to share what’s really going on in their life. If you want to know what your teen is really feeling, then let them know they can tell you anything.

3. You become an example to your teen. Today’s teens don’t have many role models for meaningful communication. Social media is more about ranting and screeds, rather than mutual listening and healthy relationships. But you can show them what real communication looks like. They’re watching how you interact with others, and they’re learning from your example. So when you model good listening habits, you’re teaching your teen that communication is more than blasting your opinion online.

4. You are showing love no matter what.  When you are able to listen to your teen, even when they are messing up, acting out, or trying to figure things out, you are communicating that you love them for who they are, not what they do. Your love isn’t conditioned on their grades, performance, or behavior. They may not be living up to your expectations now, but when they feel your unconditional love, it gives them the security they need to keep growing.

5. You are validating your teens growing, maturing minds. Teens are trying to think through things, and when you take them seriously, you are validating your teen’s growing, maturing mind. You’re showing them that their thoughts and feelings matter. This builds their confidence and helps them develop critical thinking skills.

6. You are providing help when your teens need it. Sometimes teens just need someone to listen. Other times, they need guidance. When you’re a good listener, you’ll know the difference. You’ll be able to provide the right kind of help at the right time.

Conclusion

Your teen desperately wants to have someone listen to them.  They love it when you really listen and take to heart what they’re saying. You cannot force your teen to agree with you all the time, or to say everything just the way you want to hear it, when you want to hear it. But you can listen. You can try to understand, instead of listening to respond.

The world is full of people who will tell your teen what to think and when they are wrong. But no one is better positioned to really listen to your teen. By listening, you can give your teen something they won’t easily find anywhere else. But you’ll never be able to listen if you’re talking all the time! You’ll never be able to hear your teen’s heart if you’re always busy staring at your phone or watching something on TV. You’ll never get the chance to share your wisdom if you’re not intentional about turning an ear their way. It takes interest, caring, concern, and patience, but it’s worth it. Your teen needs your attention right now. They are longing to be truly heard by you.