Do you struggle to get your teen to do his homework, help with chores, or get out of bed in the morning? Maybe they’ve given up on church, sports, or spending time with friends. Before you can help your unmotivated teen, you need to understand what’s behind their behavior. The lack of motivation isn’t always about laziness—sometimes it’s about unrealistic expectations, loss of hope, or something deeper going on in their world.

In this article, I’ll help you identify the real reasons behind your teen’s lack of motivation and provide practical action steps to help them move forward.

The Easy Answer: Something Changed

When you see a rapid change in your teen’s behavior—especially when they go from motivated to completely shut down—that’s a red flag. Your teen may be bordering on depression and needs help getting through a tough time. Maybe your teen has experienced hurt, disappointment, or ridicule. These experiences can build an emotional wall so high that your teen looks at it and thinks, “There’s no way I can climb that. I quit.”

Here’s what you need to understand: Just as all teen behavior is goal-oriented, their non-behavior is just as goal-oriented. When teens shut down, they’re telling you something important about their world—you just need to dig deeper to find out what it is.

So how do you get to the bottom of it? Start by asking questions. “Hey, I’ve noticed a change. Tell me what’s going on.” Or “Something seems different. Help me understand what you’re dealing with.” If your teen can’t or won’t open up to you, consider finding someone else who can help—whether that’s a counselor, pastor, or youth leader who can sit down and talk with your teen. The goal is to understand what’s causing the shutdown before it becomes something worse.

The Harder Answer: Your Expectations Are Too High

Now here’s the tougher question most parents don’t want to consider: What if you are part of the problem? What if the “better things” you want for your teen aren’t actually better for them at all? The world today is a tough place to grow up, and too often, well-meaning parents place expectations on their teens that make living even harder, not easier.

If you set the bar way too high for your teen, it can result in frustration and damage what was once a healthy relationship. When a teen sees the futility of their efforts, they may say, “I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”

Think about it this way: If someone told you to drink a gallon of milk, eat a bowl of jalapeños, and then dive into ice-cold water, you wouldn’t be motivated to do any of that! Yet we sometimes put expectations in front of our teens that feel just as impossible—then we wonder why they’ve given up.

I remember coming home in ninth grade with all A’s and one B. My dad looked at my report card and said, “Why didn’t you get an A there?” You know what I did? I gave up. I said to myself, “What’s the point? I’m not doing this anymore.” That one comment stopped me in my tracks because I realized I could never measure up. That’s what happens when parents push too hard without recognizing our teen’s limits.

Questions to Carefully Consider

How can parents know when it’s time to push and when it’s time to back off? If you want to evaluate whether your teen is genuinely lazy or if you’ve set the bar of expectations too high, ask yourself these honest questions:

1. Is it really important to you for your teen to get good grades? There’s nothing wrong with valuing education, but are you linking your relationship—or your love and acceptance—to their academic performance? Are you pressuring them to make A’s when they’re capable of B’s and C’s? Too much academic pressure can lead to stress and anxiety at home. So grades matter, but they need to be considered in perspective to your teen’s quality of life.

2. Are you pushing your teen in athletics? I can’t tell you how many teens I’ve talked to who participate in sports they absolutely hate—but they do it because they want to make their parents happy. Is your teen playing for themselves or for you?

3. Are you pushing your teen into activities they only do because you’ll be “disappointed” if they don’t? Sometimes the healthiest thing a teen can do is say, “You know what? I don’t think I’m going to do this anymore.” But they can’t say that if they’re trying to live up to your expectations, rather than their own interests.

4. Do you push your teen to be perfect? I’ve got news for you: you are not perfect and neither is your teen. Perfectionism is a heavy burden for anyone to carry, especially a teenager who’s still figuring out who they are.

5. Do you feel like your teen’s success is a reflection of your success as a parent? If your answer is “yes,” then you’re setting both yourself and your teen up for disappointment. You need to find your purpose and value in something other than your kids.

If you’re brave enough to find out the truth, ask your teens these questions. Let them tell you what you’re doing wrong. Your honest discussion with them might keep them from shutting down and bailing out completely.

Understanding What Demotivates Teens

Over the years at Heartlight, I’ve seen teens who’ve lost all motivation for various reasons. Some have turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms because they felt overwhelmed by expectations or couldn’t see a way forward. When teens lose hope that tomorrow will be better, they often look for an escape—whether through self-medication, withdrawing from relationships, or giving up on their dreams entirely.

The key insight here is that teens rarely become unmotivated for no reason. Something happened. Maybe it was a traumatic event. Maybe it was a slow buildup of pressure. Maybe they looked at their life and thought, “What’s the point?” Whatever the cause, you need to understand that getting through to an unmotivated teen often requires something to shift—either in their circumstances, in your approach, or in their perspective on what’s possible.

Separating Relationship From Performance

Here are a few practical ways to separate your relationship with your teen from their performance:

(1) Choose to talk about non-performance issues. Focus on heart issues—what your teen is feeling, thinking, and struggling with—rather than grades, scores, or achievements.

(2) Tell your teen how you value them, even when they’re “underachieving.” Let your teen know there’s nothing they can do to make you love them more, and nothing they can do to make you love them less. That’s the kind of unconditional love God gives us, and it’s exactly what your teen needs from you.

(3) Find ways to communicate that your love is unconditional. Show them through your actions and words that your love isn’t tied to their accomplishments.

(4) Don’t harp on the negative. Constant criticism demotivates teens. Instead, look for opportunities to affirm the positive steps they’re taking, no matter how small.

Conclusion

Hey moms and dads … whenever you see a change in your teen’s behavior, and especially when they begin to shut down and give up, nine times out of ten, something has happened that has caused them to lose hope that tomorrow will be any better.

Your teen’s shutdown is the first sign of a change in the way they see their world. As a result, they might self-medicate, find a new set of friends, give up on some dreams they’ve held dear, or perhaps even begin to feel distant from you.

The key is to keep communication lines open. Ask yourself whether or not you’re a cause of an overload in your teen’s life that might be weighing them down. If your expectations are too high, then it’s time to change it up a bit and relieve the pressure they feel that might be pushing them over the edge. Don’t ignore a lack of motivation. It’s a flashing red light on the dashboard of your teen’s life.