It can start with an occasional eye roll or a muttered word, but soon your teen’s disrespectful behavior can become a daily habit that erodes your family relationships. Is disrespect becoming more common and more persistent in your home? Are you feeling angered, frustrated, or defeated by the disrespect your teen shows you?

If so, you are not alone. That sideways glancing, crossed arms, door-slamming behavior can drive even the most patient parent to the edge. In this article, I’ll share practical strategies to help parents address their teens’ lack of courtesy in a way that actually sticks. It is time to break out of the frustrating rudeness rut, and discover how to build the healthy relationship you both deserve.

Ideas for Getting Out of the Rut

Let’s face it––when disrespect becomes the default mode of communication with your teen, you’re in a rut. It seems to be happening more frequently these days, leaving many parents wondering where they went wrong and how to turn things around. But just because your teen is disrespectful today, doesn’t mean they have to stay that way. You and your teen can learn to change how you interact. I’ve identified four steps to help reestablish mutual kindness at home.

1. Think through any relationship problems. Disrespect is almost always a symptom of your teen’s deeper relational issues. It can serve as a check engine light on your car’s dashboard, alerting you that something needs attention under the hood. So, take a moment to look around and think about your teen. Are they struggling at school, clashing with friends, feeling hurt, angry or left out and taking their frustration out on you? Is there a topic you and your teen fight over again and again? Perhaps it’s screen time, curfew, friends, or grades. These repetitive, unresolved conflicts can breed disrespect over time as frustration builds on both sides.

Have you been treating your teen with respect? Remember that respect goes both ways, so don’t forget to take an honest look at how you’ve been communicating with your teen. Teens often mirror the communication style they experience at home. So if you’ve been stressed and snippy, or if you tend to lecture rather than listen, your teen might be reflecting that same attitude back to you.

2. Start a conversation. Trust me. Ignoring disrespectful behavior won’t help your teen. In fact, the longer you let it go on, the longer it will take to get them back on track. So schedule a time to talk when you’re both calm, not right after a disrespectful incident. Take your teen out for ice cream or a burger and talk honestly and specifically about the rude behaviors you’ve seen. You can say something like: “When you roll your eyes and use that tone, it feels disrespectful to me.” Share how it affects others in the family too.

As you open up a conversation, be sure to explain to your teen that respect is a core value in your home and let them know why it matters to you, and to their future relationships with friends, co-workers, family, and their spouse. Then ask your teen for input. Ask something like: “What’s going on when you turn your back?” “Is there something I’m doing that frustrates you?”

As you talk, have a posture of learning and love, not interrogation. You might be surprised to learn that what you perceive as disrespect could be your teen’s attempts to establish independence or express uncomfortable feelings they don’t know how to communicate otherwise. I find that often teens don’t realize that the way they talk to adults is perceived as disrespectful. It’s just the way teens interact with each other.

3. Set boundaries. Once you’ve had an open conversation, it’s time to establish clear boundaries for signs of disrespect. Decide what the consequences will be for specific behaviors. It is a good idea to actually discuss what disrespect looks like. Clearly communicate your expectations to your teen, by requesting behaviors such as: maintaining eye contact during conversations rather than looking at a phone, answering questions without rolling eyes or using insults, remaining present until conversations conclude, and speaking with respectful language and tone. Providing specific examples helps teens understand boundaries and recognize when they’re crossing the line.

You should also consider what rewards you are willing to offer when your teen begins showing respect. Yes, respect should be expected, but positive reinforcement works wonders. Maybe it’s more freedom, a later curfew, or a special privilege your teen has been wanting. When your teen sees that respectful communication opens doors, they’ll have more motivation to change.

As you and your teen work your way out of the disrespectful rut, be sure to follow through consistently with both consequences and rewards. Teens need to know you mean what you say, and that both positive and negative behaviors have predictable outcomes.

4. Get encouragement and support for yourself. Parenting a disrespectful teen can be emotionally draining. So find friends or a support group with other parents who understand what you’re going through and can share your frustration. Consider joining a parenting class at your church where you can share your experiences and talk about strategies that work. If the disrespect is affecting the entire family, you might consider seeking professional guidance for the whole family before your teen’s behavior negatively impacts your marriage and your younger kids. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you and your teen break out of entrenched patterns.

Remember addressing disrespect takes time. There will be good days and bad days. Celebrate progress rather than expecting perfection, and be patient with yourself and your teen as you work toward a more respectful relationship.

Conclusion

Teens live in a world that is truly disrespectful. Your teens are disrespectful because they live in a world that lacks respect. It’s a place where people attack others who think differently, or maybe they are different, or perhaps they espouse a different viewpoint about life. It’s what they see all day. Sadly, widespread disrespect has made rudeness and insulting behavior feel normal and acceptable to teens. Your role is to be that beacon of light in your teen’s life. Be a living model of what respect looks like in the way you treat those around you, the way you respect your teen, your spouse, your neighbors, and how you engage with a world that isn’t working in your favor.

The world is not going to change much. In fact, it’s probably going to get worse. But your home can be a place of refuge and respect in this disrespectful world. Let your teen see that it is possible to treat those around you in the same way God treats His family: with dignity, value, love, and respect.