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Why Teens Seek the Wrong Crowd

Does your teenager feel valued and significant in your home? If not, they’ll look for value and acceptance somewhere else. There are plenty of people who can make them feel valued, but mostly from the wrong crowd and with the wrong motives.

We parents do a ton of stuff for our kids, but what if they still don’t feel valued? Should we do even more, or less? Are we doing the right things, or all the wrong things? How can we best instill value in our teenagers? And why is that so important?

Think of it this way; there are four things you can offer your teenager to make them feel valued: your unconditional love, your experience, your time, and your wisdom. Each of these builds value. Being valued makes a teenager feel like they belong; they are accepted and they are therefore at peace with the world. Being valued builds their self-esteem and helps them have the confidence to say “No” to their peers. Being valued helps a teenager want to maintain their own sense of value and not accept anything less.

When I talk about ways to instill value, you’ll notice that I’ll never mention using “your money” or “your faith” to instill value. Material and spiritual things are needed and certainly valuable, but they don’t build the kind of value that only a parent’s attention and love can offer. They are, in fact, often used as crutches by parents not interested in instilling real value in their children. Nearly every teen that has come through our Heartlight counseling program has either been given an abundance of material goods or spiritual guidance in their lifetime, or both, but for some reason they didn’t feel valued by both of their birth parents, so they crashed in the teen years.

As children grow in independence, so does their desire to be valued as independent individuals. This desire may become so intense, they may violate their own values and destroy everything in their life in order to find it. They may even do unbelievably stupid or dangerous things to gain acceptance from their peers. If they feel neglected by their parents, or if they still have open emotional wounds from being abandoned or abused as a child, they will often seek to have their value validated outside of the family.

The point is this: Does your teenage child feel valued? If not, and if they lack true identity and significance as independent individuals in your family, you may lose them to the wrong crowd.

The Roles We Play

Parents tend to play different roles in helping their children find value. Moms instill a sense of value, and dads validate it. But dads can sometimes be lax in regard to discipline and hurt the mother’s ability to instill value. Things get all out of whack, because mom then needs to become the sole disciplinarian and enforcer — the bad guy — while dad becomes the good guy. It can hurt the mother’s relationships and her ability to instill value. And if dad is missing altogether, problems will usually follow. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else. This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life.

I’ve seen many times where a dad thinks that he’s involved in the life of his daughter, but she feels something completely different.

Scripture tells us that God is like the mighty warrior, but He’s also the tender loving mother who plays with her child. Is God a man or a woman? Well, He’s both. He created us in His image and He created us male and female, so He encompasses both characteristics as He both instills and validates our value. But Christian parents can sometimes undermine the value God tries to instill in us by confusing it with constant messages of guilt and shame. A teen can begin feeling as though there is no way to please their parents (or God). But that’s not true Christianity. Jesus said, “Come to Me, you are weary and heavy laden.” He set the standard of offering forgiveness and grace while also holding up the standard of proper living.

If you’ve been focusing too much on discipline, day in and day out, I have an idea for you to try. Focus on discipline just three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On the other days work hard to make your teen feel valued. Those are the days you tell your teen to “Come onto me.” Those are the days you offer grace and build them up. Don’t tell them you are doing this, or it will short circuit the whole idea, but this exercise can help to change your focus and that could be enough to make your teen feel more valued. And when they feel more valued, they’ll do less to exasperate you.

It reminds me of the speed traps police often put up. Some days they are out in full force and they really hammer the speeders with tickets. Then, other days it seems like you can’t find a police officer if your life depended on it. Though they are only seen in force periodically, it keeps the speeders in check throughout the week without it feeling like a police state. If your teen feels like your home is becoming a police state most of the time, perhaps it is time to back off some days and give them some breathing room. Focusing on the rules just a few days a week will keep them in check the rest of the week. And putting your attention on valuing them on the “off” days will ensure your teen feels valued even when they are making mistakes, so they’ll work harder to not make the same mistakes in the future.

Ways to Make Your Teen Feel Valued

Make sure there is structure and rules. Structure says, “You are the one I am concerned about… and I value you enough to work with you and love you through the times you step out of line.” Discipline is all about them, and even though no teen outwardly likes it, it says you value them enough to help them. When kids come to Heartlight and meet me, they really don’t like me at first. But eventually they come around to respect me because I don’t mince words or give them wiggle room on the rules, but I also strive to develop a relationship with them and avoid making them feel like heels when they do make a mistake. They understand that my goal is to help them, not badger or demean them. As a result, I can’t tell you how many calls I receive from kids who have graduated our program, and the college graduations, weddings and funerals I’ve attended or lead because these kids wanted me to remain in their life, even years later.

Ask questions and collaborate with them. When parents convey that what their teen has to say is important, it also conveys value. We parents share our opinions far too often in the teen years, because we don’t want our teens to make the same mistakes we did, but we need to back off and offer our wisdom only when they ask. And though we may be shocked or not like what they are saying, we need to listen to what they have to say anyway. They’re probably just thinking out loud, and doing so in their immature way. They may just be echoing what their friends said — not really buying into it themselves. But if you react too harshly, it can sometimes cement that idea in their mind and cause them to go that direction. So, be sure to talk with your teen and do so mostly with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.

Give grace. Grace is an act of kindness. It is offering them something that’s undeserved. It affirms them with a message that says, “I love you when you are doing well, but I will also love you when you aren’t.” I recommend that all parents memorize this key statement: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more. And there is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.” Share it with your child on a regular basis. Post it on your refrigerator door, attach it to the bathroom mirror, write it in soap on the windshield of their car. You cannot deliver this message to your teen too often. And, they need to hear it every day.

Give of your time. If you are giving part of your valuable time to your teen, they’ll feel important and valued. In my counseling, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do. Whether you are a mom or a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.

Even teenagers who are feeling totally valued by their parents will seek acceptance and value from their peers as well. If like chameleons, they begin looking more and more like their peers, this is why. But if Mom and Dad bristle against their teen’s change in dress or looks — something teens do to gain acceptance by their peers — they will lose out, because the teen will gravitate toward their peers instead. In fact, teens tend to be fiercely loyal to their friends — even ones they barely know — if they are receiving a sense of value from them or from being a part of that group. It’s kind of like the poles of a magnet. Once a parent turns on a teen in regard to their looks or their friends, the teen feels like they are being attacked and devalued personally, so the poles reverse and the teen is pushed away, toward their friends. Now, I’m not talking about accepting immodest dress or inappropriate talk or activities; and a parent shouldn’t feel obligated to keep their teen in the latest fashions. There are ethical and financial boundaries that need to be established. But every teen needs to feel like they can fit in with their peers and their culture, so parents would be wise to allow their teen to work for and spend their own money in regard to how they look and dress.

Here is the bottom line: It’s important for your teen to know that they needn’t look or act a specific way, or perform at a certain level in order to maintain your love. Your relationship with them won’t stop if they mess up, and your love will survive the tough times. Having a relationship that offers significance and value means remaining involved in their daily life and accepting their growing need for independence.

For all of us, value and security comes from knowing we are valued by God and our family. Your teen needs to sense that they “belong” and are valued regardless of what they do. Giving a sense of value is the most valuable gift you’ll ever give your children… and it’s free! So give it away, freely.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

When Your Teen is in the Wrong Crowd

If you swim with the sharks, you’re bound to get bit. One bad apple spoils the whole bushel. Bad company corrupts good character. Many parents have added these phrases to their lexicon, because they illustrate the dangers of running with the “wrong crowd”. As moms and dads, we know how susceptible kids are to peer influence. You’ve likely spent many sleepless nights worrying about the people your child is hanging around. What are they teaching my son? What are they pressuring my daughter to do? Are these friends that will give needed support and encouragement to my teen, or are they the type of people who will bring my child down?

These are valid concerns if you suspect your child is hanging out with the wrong crowd. But let’s pause for a moment and ask just who is the “wrong crowd?” Here’s a simple definition we can use: The “wrong crowd” includes anyone who influences your child in ways that are contradictory to your values, systems, and beliefs as parents.

When parents observe changes in their teen and note the actions and attitudes of their friends, they may arrive at the conclusion, “my teen is in league with some bad seeds.” When this happens, how do we gently guide our teens away from negative influences? My advice may not be what you might expect.

Teach Your Kids

As parents, part of our job is to protect our kids. We try to shield them from negative influences as much as possible. We’re not going to let our 12-year-old daughter hang around 18-year-old girls who smoke pot and sleep with their boyfriends. We have to shield our child’s innocence until they are mature enough to make wise decisions on their own. It would be foolish to let young children spend time with people who have serious hang-ups. But at some point, we must stop protecting our kids and start preparing them to make wise choices when choosing friends. If all we are doing is holding our kids back from this or that person, we are not equipping them to make smart decisions once they are free of our control.

While every child is different, here is a basic guideline for starting that relational training:

0–13 years old: Get to know and closely monitor your child’s friends. If your son or daughter is running with the wrong crowd this early, change schools, move houses, or pull your child from certain activities. At this age, they still need to have their innocence protected.
14–17 years old: Continue to monitor your child’s friends, but begin to slowly back off from controlling their relationships. If you have concerns about the people they are spending time with, talk with your kids about the problems you see. Also, set personal and family boundaries regarding the kind of behavior that is acceptable among friends and the kind that is not.
18+ years old: At this age, young people must be responsible for their own choices, including their choices in friends. If they are living with you, they must follow the rules of the house. But if they are on their own, all you can do is let them know you are available to talk and give advice if they ever feel they need it.

As you train your teen to use discernment when choosing friends, you can help them along by asking good questions. For instance, you can ask, “I’m curious; would you ever drink and drive? Do you know someone who has? Did they think it was a good idea? Do you?” Or you can ask, “Has anyone offered you drugs? What crossed your mind in that moment?” These types of questions are effective because they help your child articulate their values, beliefs, and convictions. And if they ever get into a situation similar to the one you have discussed, chances are they will remember, “Hey, I remember telling my mom (or dad) that I don’t believe in drinking and driving. I’m going to pass.” By asking good questions, you are helping your child build up those decision-making muscles that will serve them well, whether they have good friends or not.

Embrace the “Bad” Kids

We have welcomed more than 2,500 teens to the Heartlight campus over the years. All of the teens that walk through our doors would generally be included in what most people consider, the “wrong crowd.” But I love them all to death. Despite the numerous kids who have come through our program, I have yet to meet a “bad kid.” Now, I have met some strong-willed kids. I have helped teens with deep-seated problems and issues. But there isn’t one child who is beyond help. As moms and dads, we may spend a lot of time avoiding the “bad kids” and encouraging our children to do the same. But as Christians, we are called to minister to people in need. And who needs a helping hand more than a teen who is hurtling off the tracks at 90 miles an hour?

I remember taking a group of my Heartlight kids to church one Sunday. As our large group walked through the doors, I could feel the eyes turning in our direction and I could sense the shuffling in the seats. The congregants knew I was coming with teens who carried a lot of baggage. We sat in the back, and tried not to disrupt the service. But my heart broke when the pastor starting talking about a mission trip to Africa and their upcoming service to an orphanage in that part of the world. I felt like standing up and saying, “But there are kids RIGHT HERE who you need your compassion!” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with mission trips to Africa. What I am saying is that there are kids who need to be the focus of our “mission” right here in all of our back yards.

Instead of running from the wrong crowd, let’s run towards them! Turn your home into a safe, loving, and fun place where teens can hang out and interact. Provide alternatives for your kids and their friends. Invite them to watch a ball game. Pack up enough supplies, and take a group fishing. Let them set up their band in your garage. Set aside a weekend, and go camping with your kids and their friends. In this way, not only will you be providing a healthy outlet for teens to have fun, but they will be under your watch and protection. Rather than cautioning your teen to side step the problem kids, take initiative and be the mentor, leader, or life coach they need.

Maybe your son or daughter has some friends with emotional, physical, or spiritual issues. To pull away from these kids may mean we are running from the mission field God has for us! The Proverbs 31 woman is a role model for all us. God’s Word says that “she opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20). Are there hurting and needy kids in your teen’s circle of friends? Open up your arms, and embrace that “wrong crowd.”

Be The Change

When you began to read this article, you probably thought that I would offer some suggestions about how to avoid the wrong crowd. Maybe you are a bit surprised at my approach to this topic. But please hear me out; no matter where you go, where you live, or who you know—there will always be a “wrong crowd” to worry about. So rather than spend all your time playing defense trying to block the bad kids from your teens, start playing the offense. Start influencing the “bad kids” yourself. And teach your teen to do the same. In that way, you won’t avoid the wrong crowd, you will change them!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Wrong Crowd

“In school, kids are always trying to fit in with the crowd. Everyone goes through that and feels peer pressure from that. I know I did when I was growing up. I definitely wanted to hang out with the cool kids and tried to be something I’m not.” ~Joe Jonas

There is a group of kids that parents fear most. Moms and dads spend a great deal of time and energy cautioning their kids against this motley band of miscreants. It’s most commonly referred to as “the wrong crowd.” The group is usually made up of the kids who smoke the things they shouldn’t, boast about sexual conquests, bully others, or get involved in other harmful or destructive behaviors. These are the kids that you warn your children to avoid at all costs.

Now, I don’t enjoy being the bearer of bad news, but the truth is this “wrong crowd” is inescapable. I have listened to parents who believe that taking their kids out of public school, or moving to the country, or limiting social interaction will protect their family from the dangers of bad influences. But that’s just not the case. Christian schools have the “wrong crowd” as well. So do rural areas. The fact is, there will always be peers and friends who steer your children down the wrong path.

Since stopping all interaction with all negative influences is impossible, perhaps it’s time to change our strategy. As parents, how can we make sure our kids don’t assimilate into the wrong crowd? Or how can we help our teen who maybe is the wrong crowd?

Turn the Tables

I’ve spent 40 years hanging out with the wrong crowd. Every one of the twenty-eight hundred kids who have stepped through the doors of the Heartlight campus are what most people consider the “bad kids.” But frankly, while I have dealt with teens who have battled serious issues, I have yet to meet a bad kid. There is no such thing as a teenager who is beyond hope. Even those kids who make up the wrong crowd can turn their lives around with the right motivation. In fact, the teens that lead the pack are often highly charismatic, intelligent, and have great leadership skills. Unfortunately, these amazing gifts are misapplied, which leads to the “wrong crowd” mentality and destructive behaviors. Yes, troubled teens can unduly influence others, but that influence can be turned around and redeemed.

Instead of looking at the teen across the street as a perpetual troublemaker worth avoiding, view that troubled kid as a mission field. Perhaps the reason God placed you in that specific neighborhood is so that you could be an influence on that particular young man or woman. Or maybe that sketchy friend your son or daughter is hanging around with needs you to be a voice of reason and righteousness in their lives. Jesus told us that if we see one lamb has gone missing, we’re to leave the others in the pen and go after the lamb that was lost (Luke 15:1-3). God is passionately involved in going after the “lost,” and so should we. Instead of fearing and avoiding those “dangerous” kids, let’s take the opportunity to reach out to the kids who may need our help. You can flip the tables, so to speak, and begin to influence them. If your teen has friends who are part of the “wrong crowd” who are lost and looking for direction, it’s a great chance to give them the direction they are looking for.

Lead, Don’t Follow

We can also help our kids avoid the traps of falling in with the wrong crowd by teaching them to lead, and not follow. What teenagers crave more than anything is a sense of acceptance. They want to feel validated and appreciated. And when they find that in a particular group, they tend to stay in that group. Unfortunately, there may be a price to be paid for joining certain cliques or crowds. As my friend Paul Coughlin says, “cruelty is currency” in today’s youth culture. Many of the groups roaming the halls at school or hanging out at the local skate park operate on the basis of bullying. It’s a form of power that allows them to buy popularity.

Teaching our kids to stand out from the pack and stand up for others goes a long way in preventing our kids from becoming part of the wrong crowd. I have written about the dangers of bullying in other articles [Recognizing and Preventing “Mean Girls”], but there are also hazards of allowing bullying to happen. Recent studies by the American Psychology Association reveal that passive witnesses of bullying or cruelty show a sharp decrease in empathy, have higher cases of depression, and perform poorly in school.* Even if our children aren’t the tormentors, the impact of watching others being injured can still harm kids indirectly.

As parents, we can also help our children avoid following the wrong crowd by teaching the “hows” and “whys” of bad behavior. It’s not enough to say, “The Bible says don’t do that.” It’s about engaging your teenager in a conversation of why they should stand up to bullies, how drugs can damage your health and future, why pre-martial sex is not a good idea, and how the principles of the Bible are written for our good. Curiosity is a powerful drive, especially in teenagers. They are interested in (and probably questioning) everything, as they attempt to understand how the world around them works. And many times the forbidden fruit is often the sweetest—that action or behavior that other kids are doing but they aren’t allowed to participate in. But if we take the time to explain why that seemingly delicious fruit is rotten and bad, we start taking the power out of following the wrong crowd.

We can’t escape the negative influences surrounding our kids. There will always be a “wrong crowd” that will attempt to bring our teenagers down. But by being active in positively influencing those kids and coaching our teenagers to lead and not follow, we can break the power of these enticing groups and break the fear that our children will be drawn into them.

*Observing Bullying at School: The Mental Health Implications of Witness Status

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.