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Letting Go of the Rope

I recently looked at some old photos of myself and was shocked to realize that I was wearing the same shirts today that I wore 20 years ago. I was so used to wearing them that I never took time to notice the nicer, newer shirts left for me in my closet as a gracious hint from my wife. I have the same problem with my shirts that many parents have with their old parenting techniques. There is nothing wrong with their tactics for kids in their younger years, but they are just a little outdated for teenagers.

If your son or daughter is responding negatively to some of your well-intended discipline, and your attempts to rein in their behavior is not working, don’t automatically assume that what you’re doing is all wrong. It’s just that your teen is changing at such an alarming rate that some of the established ways of doing things are no longer giving you the positive results they once were.

You can’t control the way your teen responds, so you might have to adjust what you have control of—your own rules and regulations—in order to initiate a different response.

Many times the way parents approach teen discipline is exactly what Ephesians 6:4 says not to do: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Though well intended, their use of outmoded discipline and efforts to shelter their teen can bring them to exasperation. The definition of exasperation includes a number of words that clearly describe the situation I see with so many families today. They are words like; make furious, irritate, provoke, annoy, anger, inflame, infuriate, exacerbate, make worse, enrage, and aggravate.

I have always read that verse thinking that the intent of the writer was to discourage dads from doing anything wrong in the rearing of their child, like cussing at a child, beating him, abusing him, yelling and screaming, acting selfishly, sinning against the family, and other things that would cause a child to respond negatively. However, older children in the teen years can also be exasperated over things that parents are trying to do right, without the parent realizing that their method is the heart of the problem!

For example, I once worked with a father who needed to update the way he approached his son’s discipline. His solution to protect his teen from this crazed culture was to keep him from participating in it in any way. While it is admirable to insulate a child from the evils of the world, isolating him will never work.

The son shared that he loved his parents, but that they were ruining his life. He said, “They won’t allow me to just grow up.” He brokenly shared how he was teased and picked on at school for never being able to attend school functions. He had no friends because he could not attend the events that the other kids did, or visit them in their homes. He choked up when he talked about not knowing how to relate to girls, and his embarrassment over making stupid comments in front others. He did not know how to relate to them because he was never allowed to be around them.

He was being insightful when he stated that he was moving away from his family, his friends were moving away from him, and he was stuck in the lonely middle.

His story caused me to tear up, repeatedly. It hurt to hear this young man — who was really a good kid — talk about struggling through awful pains of adolescence. Something was so right in his parents’ good intentions, but also so wrong. Their son needed to know how to live in his world. But when he couldn’t, he rebelled. He was not right in the way he rebelled, but I understood his reasons for doing so.

My recommendation for this family is the same for yours; learn to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little. Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less. It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils. But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Picking Up The Broken Pieces of Shattered Trust

Trust is a valuable and fragile commodity. In the economy of family relationships, trust is both given and received as parents and teens gingerly pass it back and forth. When these trust transactions are handled properly, relationships grow and thrive. But Mom and Dad—don’t hold on to that commodity too tightly, because your teenage son or daughter will break it. It’s really not a question of “if,” it’s a question of “when.” At some point, you’ll place your trust in the hands of your teenage child, and they’ll drop it and shatter it into pieces.

I’m not just being dramatic here. After four decades of working with, talking and listening to teens and their parents, I know from experience that kids will make mistakes. Disappoint you. Maybe even break your heart. And this is regardless of temperament, personality, or even consequences. But if you’re prepared for having your trust broken, you’ll be miles of ahead of the parents who are still sitting there open-mouthed and shocked.

So how do you prepare and deal with the disappointment coming your way?

Keep the Relationship

Here are the usual responses I hear from parents when their teen blows it—

I can’t believe you didn’t know better!

I thought we had a good relationship!

I don’t know if I can ever trust you again!

How could you do such a thing? You know better!

I don’t know why you would disrespect me in this way.

These types of phrases express your emotions in the moment, but can be misinterpreted by your teen. When a child breaks your trust, don’t let the mistake interfere with your relationship. When you tell your son, “I thought we were close,” what he hears is, “Our relationship is ruined.” In your daughter’s mind, saying “I’m so disappointed with you right now,” is interpreted to mean, “I can’t love you.” Of course, as adults, we realize that teens may read something into our words that we didn’t put there. But perception is nine-tenths of reality. And caught in the moment when his mistakes are being unearthed, a teen may hear your words of anger and hurt as an indicator that he’s lost some of your love and compassion.

Always move towards your children, even when they have betrayed your trust. Explain clearly that there is nothing they could do to make you love them more, and nothing they could do to make you love them less. Don’t let their mistake impact the connection between you and your son or daughter. The best way to avoid this is to tell them openly—“I’m upset right now, but I want you to know, I love you. And nothing you can do will ever change that!”

Acknowledge the Pain

Just because you move toward your child when they break your trust, doesn’t mean you have to hide the pain. I get hurt by kids all the time. I’ve been lied too, stolen from, sworn at and used. I may put on a strong demeanor, but inside I’m crushed. There is no way to dull the pain when your teenager breaks your heart. So be disappointed. Be upset. Be angry, even. But talk to someone about what you’re experiencing. You can’t bottle up those emotions, and your child may not be able to handle hearing how they’ve injured you. Grab a spouse, a friend, a pastor or a counselor, and let them know, “what my child did really hurt me!” Get it out in the open and let those wounds heal in the clean air of a safe relationship. If you let your feelings fester inside you, the pain will build and you’ll slowly start resenting your teen for the mistakes they’ve made. Acknowledge the hurt and the frustration and deal with it, and you’ll have the emotional energy to return to your teen with love and grace.

Set Up Your Beliefs

Sometimes a child will break our trust without even knowing about it. It happens when we cling to unspoken rules or guidelines in the house, and expect our teens to instinctively understand them. Trust me; if that’s the way your home operates, you’ll find yourself disappointed over and over again.

Even if your child is 17 and ready to leave home, I recommend setting up a belief system for your house. Sit down and clearly define and discuss the rules and expectations every person in the house must adhere to. That includes curfews, dating parameters, the kind of language spoken in the house, and the use of social media. Openly state what you believe about honesty, respect, compassion and having fun with the family. Once you’ve set up your specific belief system, follow up by explaining some pre-determined consequences that will come into effect should those rules be broken.

This takes away the surprise when your teen strays out of bounds and has to deal with the results. Once household rules and beliefs are understood, the penalties won’t seem to come out of left field.

The kids at Heartlight understand that the rules we have in place are for their own protection and the safety of others. They also understand the consequences of breaking those rules. I have to stifle a laugh when a kid comes up to me and says, “Well, I know I have yard cleanup duty this week.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, because I was disrespectful to some of the staff.”

They may not like all the rules we have in place, but our teens don’t really complain about the results, because they knew ahead of time what was expected and what the consequences are should they go rogue.

Allow Dreams to Be Crushed

We all have hopes and aspirations for our children. No dad wants his daughter to be an unwed teen mother. No mom is hoping her son will spend some time in jail. Our dreams for our teens include visions of happy families, productive lives and meaningful careers. But sometimes when a teen breaks our trust, a dream may die. The goals we set for our son or daughter start to wither away. That’s a rather hopeless feeling, and it compounds the pain.

But Mom and Dad, let me encourage you to let those dreams die. God has a plan for your teen, and it may be radically different than what you had in mind.

I’ll always remember getting a call from my son telling me that he and his wife were getting a divorce due to an affair. My heart was crushed as I watched my son break not only my trust, but his wife’s as well. My dream for him was leveled in a few minutes on a brief phone call. But God redeemed my son, and now his ex-wife is married to a good man, my son is married to a lovely young lady, and I have some beautiful grandbabies to prove it!

Here’s the point: God can take your broken trust and crushed dreams and transform them into something beyond your wildest expectations. Maybe the life you envisioned for your son or daughter is not coming to pass. That’s okay. God is still in control, and He’s not finished with you or your child yet. Let go of those aspirations, and find hope in what God is doing in your teen’s life.

I wish I could give you practical steps to prevent your child from breaking your trust. But that is never going to happen. As parents, all we can do is prepare for and deal with mistakes as they happen; moving towards our children in the midst of the pain and allowing God to guide our future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sorry, No Guarantees in Parenting

Thinking that anything a parent can say, do, or offer to their children as they grow up will guarantee a smooth and trouble-free adolescence is just plain wrong. I’ve learned that there are no such guarantees in parenting.

Stuff happens in the teen years that is out of a parent’s control, even if you do everything right. Raising one “angelic” teenager can lead one to think you have found the right formula, right up until you see your next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — a world where God gives each child a free will.

One parent wrote me saying, “We’ve done everything right. We took our son to church, raised him in a Christian home, sent him to a great Christian school, home-schooled for a few years, have taken him on mission trips and poured our life into him. What has gone wrong? How can he reject all that we’ve taught, and all that we’ve been striving for?”

These parents raised their teen in the church and taught him good and strong values. Then one day he decided that those things no longer worked for him, so he started “trying on” other values – values of his peer group. He was not interested in how his behavior made his parents feel. He was “in control.” He acted as he chose to act. Every trick in their parenting bag failed. Their arsenal was empty. Did they do everything right? Possibly.

Pain and stress comes when a child has chosen poorly and is clearly heading down the wrong path in life. This is not just when their choices are self-destructive — drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, etc. — but also when they abandon their faith or decide after years of hard work, that college no longer matters.

When your teen is struggling to discover his or her identity in a quest to become independent, it can be an extremely frustrating and painful process for all involved. But it helps us better understand how God must feel when He see His children fail. No parent is perfect, nor is perfection the answer, for even though God is perfect He still had a couple of rebellious kids.

So, it’s not always about the parents, and it’s not always about how a teen is raised. It’s all about your child and his God-given gift of individuality and free will, which will be fully exercised during adolescence.

I’m sure you laid a firm foundation for your teen. You did a great job! You did such a great job that your teen feels capable of creating his own immature views. It may not seem like it now, but that is a very good thing. It’s how a teen matures into a well-grounded adult, who contributes positively to this world. It’s how they stretch their wings and prepare to fly.

Sometimes these “first flights” are hard for parents to experience, especially when they typically involve several failed attempts. The important thing is to be there when your wounded teen wobbles back to the nest; to offer encouragement for a stronger and more skilled flight the next time around.

Being a parent of a teenager can be hard work. There is emotional pain and even feelings of betrayal when your child gets off track in the adolescent years. But I know this — it makes us parents spend a lot more time on our knees! Therefore, the process is worthwhile. For in our journey, no matter how bumpy the turbulence, we may learn what God is trying to teach us as well.

My recommendation for most Christian homes is to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little. Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less. It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils. But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.