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Never Give Up Parenting a Difficult Teen

If you’re dealing with a wayward teen, you know how relationally fatigued, emotionally beaten up, and personally worn down you can get. In fact, you may right now be thinking, “I’ve been pushing against this wall forever… I just can’t do it anymore.” But let me encourage you to never give up… keep parenting, even when the going with your troubled teen gets toughest.

I understand just how confusing and tiring it is. I’ve spent most of my life working with dozens of struggling teens at a time! So, here are a few ways I’ve learned to cope…

Overcome Worry and Find Peace

I have learned that in the midst of the worst storms with teenagers, peace is still possible, and peace can spread from you to your teen. It’s infectious! The first step to find peace is to shift from worrying to meditating on God, entrusting the problems — and your teenager — to Him.

Peace is the direct opposite of worry. The situation with your teen won’t improve when you worry. In fact, when worry takes control, it usually makes matters worse for everyone. So, where does the tendency to worry come from? Well, we know it doesn’t come from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Peace can grow in your heart when sitting in the presence of the Lord, “being still.” It is difficult to accomplish these days, as every minute seems to be filled with the hustle and bustle of 21st century life. However, when quality time with the Savior is given priority, peace can come amidst the turmoil.

“The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a mighty One who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.”

–Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

Begin by spending a few minutes daily focusing on your relationship with God and reading His Word. It may mean changing your sleep schedule in order to wake up a little earlier, before everyone else. Or, it may mean you need to take regular breaks away from home to calm down, collect your thoughts and meet with God. You will come to know that God is able to quiet the worry in your heart with His love.

You might also visit someone who is a positive spiritual encouragement; attend a retreat to focus on God, or simply go on relaxing walks. When you do, avoid the distraction of electronic media, which can overpower what God may have to say to you. It is in those quieter moments, alone with God, that He can provide you with a new idea, a new approach for managing your problem with your teen, and a new perspective of resting in Him.

Seek Help with Change

If you could fix the problem with your teen yourself, you would have done so by now. After all, your best thinking has you where you are at this point, and it doesn’t appear to be working. So, it could be time to get some help from a pastor, a professional counselor, a medical doctor or a psychiatrist. Find a support group and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Try something different, and keep trying. It may even be that something within you or your spouse needs to change before you will see difference in your teen’s behavior. If so, be open to whatever change needs to take place.

Learn to Recognize Progress

It’s easy to be so overwhelmed by problems with your teen’s behavior that you fail to recognize any progress. Progress is not “problem solved.” Progress means steady improvement. So, if your child is screaming at you every day, and then only yells at you once every other day – then that’s progress! Finishing some of his homework, when he previously did no homework, is progress. Effective parenting requires that you look at the big picture while focusing on just a few problems at a time; then applauding any progress, no matter how small. Refuse to make your teen’s lack of a complete turnaround to be your constant disappointment. Turnarounds rarely happen overnight. Instead, applaud every step in the right direction, even if it is a small one.

Change is a personal matter for teens. They bristle at the thought that their parents or authorities are trying to “change them.” They may or may not be comfortable in their own skin, but they’ll fiercely defend who they are now and how they think. When they feel you are trying to “change them” you’ll have an even bigger battle on your hands. Instead, recognize progress when it happens, and shift the discussion from “changing them” to the specific things they can do to improve their own future.

Adjust Your Expectations

Huge expectations hardly help anybody. It is better to realize that parenting teens is more like a marathon amidst a minefield, than a sprint through a flower garden. Chances are high that your teen will not have a smooth run down the road of adolescence, and it is better to expect some difficulties and prepare for them.

I say this because most of the parents of the kids I help are great parents. The kids I deal with are also usually great kids; they’re just experiencing a blip on the radar screen of their life. Their spin-off into another realm has caught their parents by surprise, and they are at a loss to know what to do. I give them advice and help them know how to handle things, but most of all I say to them, “Don’t expect perfection, and don’t quit.”

Keep in Mind that Teen Problems are Usually Short-Lived

Teen problems usually have to do with hormones, immaturity, and brain development. They are fueled by struggles for independence, identity, and the testing of beliefs. But all of this is just a phase! That’s why, in the midst of the turmoil, you still need to stick with them, even if you don’t feel your teen deserves it. The goal during the battle is to keep your relationship with your teen alive. God doesn’t give up on us when we fail. He gives grace. Are you willing to give your teen the same grace?

Over time, your relationship with your child will change for the better, but only if you don’t quit on them. It is tempting to just give up and let them run (and ruin) their own life, but for the rest of your life, knowing you hung in there will be your rich reward. So decide right now, “I’ll never, ever quit.” And through it all, remember this; the wrong idea of God is that He is too great to care. The right idea of God is that He is too great to fail.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

When Teens Shut Down

At any given time, countless parents across the country are doing the same thing with their emotionally unavailable and rebellious teens: marginalizing, disrespecting, disempowering—and trying to control them from a place of fear.

That’s It… I Quit!

When your teens don’t perform as expected, telling them that they need to do better won’t help. And when arguing, fighting and pleading seems to be all that you’ve been doing with them since they were 12, then chances are good that your teen is rebelling against your control-through-fear style of parenting. However, unlike disgruntled workers on the job, your teen can’t quit his or her “job” of being your child. They can only quit the relationship. So they shut down. And the self-destructive ways they choose to do this can be pretty upsetting to parents.

I’ve said this a million times but it bears repeating: Shutting down is just a symptom of something else that’s going on with your teen. There’s a motive behind everything. And it’s your job as a parent to find out what that is —not through intimidation or ultimatums, but through a heart-to-heart connection.

Becoming a Safe Place

Think about it this way—how does God deal with us? If you asked Jesus right now, “What do you think of me?” how do you think he would answer? Would He say, “I love you very much. But you know, you’re just not doing enough! I’d love you a lot more if you towed the line, screwed up less and obeyed everything I told you.”

That’s not how God deals with us. When we mess up, we can always turn to God for forgiveness and grace. God is a SAFE place. Ask yourself, do your children feel that way about you? Are you a safe place for them?

Here’s what I know for certain: When love and freedom replace punishment and fear as the motivating forces in the relationship between parent and child, the quality of life improves dramatically for all.

Let’s Play Aggravation

A story was recently told to me about a mom and dad who changed their controlling parenting style to one of love and respect.

“For two years our son lived in his room,” the mom said. “The only time he came out was to either grunt in response to us—or fight. We realized something had to change and that change was us—how we chose to relate to him. Then a miracle happened. One evening, our son left his room, walked into the living room and plopped himself right next to his dad and I. He began to tell us about his day, and how he was starting to see how much his peers disrespected each other. Once I got over the shock of him actually talking to us, I asked him, ‘When did you start noticing this?’ What he said next floored me. ‘Because of the respect that you and dad have been showing me lately … I never knew what that looked like before.’”

“My son then did something he hadn’t done in years—he asked us if we wanted to play a board game with him. The name of that board game? Aggravation. The irony was not lost on us—we were a family that had aggravated each other almost to death, and now here we all are peacefully co-existing as we sit down to play a board game called … Aggravation.”

I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to show respect towards your teen—even if they’re not respecting you at the time. It will allow you to make inroads into your child’s heart. And when you have inroads into their heart then eventually—in time—you’ll have a relationship. And when you have a relationship then, your teen will actually want to protect that close connection with you. But if you try to force this—if you try to control them through fear and intimidation—that will evoke a different goal on their part: to avoid punishment. Your teen’s decisions will be an offshoot of that goal—to rebel and shun you.

Captivate or Control?

As Christian parents, our ultimate goal is to introduce our children to a relationship with God. And we can do that by doing our best to relate to our teens just like God relates to us. So if you have a fear-based, distorted view of God, then you need to change that— sooner than later.

Remember, God doesn’t want to control us. He wants to captivate us. That should appeal to you and your teen. You don’t want to be controlled. And your teen is no different. What teens really need is to be empowered to make their own choices. If all you want to accomplish is outward obedience and conformity, then fear-based parenting is one option. But it’s an inferior method that will produce inferior results. You might manage to produce a compliant child as a result. But you’ll also be providing your teen a distorted view of God.

Part of empowering your teen means giving them the freedom to make mistakes. We read in Galatians 5:1 that, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” For your teen, this means that for freedoms sake you need to lovingly—and with proper guidelines—allow Christ to set your teen free. This means giving your teen freedom to make poor choices with the understanding that God is much, much bigger than your teen’s mistakes. God’s not scared of our poor choices, so why would He be scared of your teen’s bad decisions? He always has another plan—even when we get temporarily derailed.

Ask Questions. Stay Interested. Pursue their Friends.

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you when your teen shuts down:

Don’t give up on asking questions. I’m not talking loaded questions here. You’re intent is not to get them into trouble. Let the consequences of their behavior do that. When you ask questions, rather than providing all the answers, you’re saying, “I want to know what you think, because it’s valuable to me. I want to know your heart… how you’re put together and how you came to those conclusions about________ “
Stay interested in them. Even when they give you the silent treatment and would rather that you lived in Alaska and they had their own pad south of the Equator, don’t stop. Keep moving towards your teen. Because that is what God does with us.
Pursue your teen’s friends. No, not with a warrant. Put aside your personal opinions on the piercings, the tattoos, the grunting and bad attitude, and think of them instead as a rowdy son—perhaps your own son—who just happened to have lived in a pig sty for a few months. Sure they might be a bit “smelly,” but embracing your teen’s friends will serve a two-fold purpose: (1) you’ll gain entrance into your teen’s world, caring about the people they love, and (2) you’ll be demonstrating the love of Jesus. Put it this way. You can go half way around the world and find someone from a remote village to snatch from the jaws of Hell and bring with you to Heaven—or, you can love on a lost teen in your local high school. Both are good goals. One’s just closer to home.

In conclusion, let me say this: The restoration of the family is very high on God’s priority list. This means that Heaven is banking on your success with your shut-down teen. So am I. My greatest desire is to help restore joy and purpose to your parenting experience. To do that, you will no doubt need to make some changes—in some cases, major ones. I won’t lie to you. It’s hard work. It will take sacrifice—and patience. And sometimes a thick skin. But trust me, in the end, it will be worth it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Loving the Sinner is Harder When It’s Your Teen

Student Story: Josh

While parenting is rarely an easy task, there’s something about the hugs and laughs that seems to make it all worth it. But what about when your source of joy suddenly becomes your greatest source of frustration? This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston discusses how to get through to “hard to love” kids in a way that offers hope and healing after broken trust.

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