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Dealing with the Cards You’ve Been Dealt

At times, life can seem like a fixed card game. To your right is a neighbor who is holding pocket aces. Their family is like a Norman Rockwell painting, and they never seem to struggle. You, on the other hand? Your family is more like a reality TV show than a Rockwell painting. You look at your cards, and you feel like you’ve been dealt a crummy hand.

Wouldn’t it be nice to throw your bad cards away, and reshuffle the deck? It could be that the teenage years are throwing your home into a tailspin, and you’re tempted to just walk away. Or perhaps raising your child has been a battle, and you’re thinking about waving the white flag and giving up. I get it. Life is not fair. Sometimes the family members God has placed in our lives aren’t the folks we would have chosen ourselves. Why is it your kid who has the issues? Why is your family the one going through so many struggles?

Mom and dad; let me give you some encouragement. Though we cannot throw in our cards and reshuffle the deck, it’s possible to take what’s been handed to us and turn it into something beautiful, meaningful, and full of blessing.

Don’t Wriggle Away

I heard Chuck Swindoll say something about trials that has stuck with me throughout my years dealing with troubled teens. He said, “Everything that comes to you has first come through the hands of God.” Recognizing that God intimately knows whatever teen troubles or family issues you are facing will give you a different perspective on your situation. Your problems are not unfortunate coincidences; they are divine circumstances! That teen under your roof was placed there by God. She’s not an accident or a mistake. He’s there for a reason. When you experience conflict or hard times at home, don’t run away or retreat. Pray for more patience. Ask for wisdom. Let the Holy Spirit search your heart in case there are any logs in your own eye adding to the difficulties (Matthew 7:5).

When we try to escape trials by ignoring them, we are like kids who sleep with a textbook under their pillow before a test, hoping that answers will come to them through mental osmosis. But real life character tests don’t work that way. We have to work hard to know ourselves and our kids. And we also have to know how to gently, but firmly, handle conflict. Then, when the pressure is on, we will have the opportunity to grow and become better parents. It’s through difficult circumstances that we gain patience, grace, forgiveness, strength, and perseverance. So when the trials come, don’t wriggle away. Embrace them as opportunities to grow, knowing God is using hardship to change you.

Expect Bumpiness

C.S. Lewis once said, “I don’t doubt God’s desire to want the best for us—I just wonder how painful it’s going to be!” I have talked to countless parents who have come to my conferences or seminars, and told me, “I didn’t anticipate the trouble I would have with my child.” Because these moms and dads weren’t expecting trials, when difficulties came, they were taken off guard. If you’re the parent of a pre-teen or a teen; expect bumps! It will not be smooth sailing. As a teen gradually moves away from mom and dad and achieves a healthy independence, the movements often include unhealthy emotional shoving, jostling, elbowing, and some bumps and bruises. While it’s not pleasant, it’s a natural part of growing up.

If you are under the impression that your teen will not make mistakes, push your buttons, or try your patience, then you will be unpleasantly surprised when all of this eventually happens. Handling what has been handed to you means being ready for whatever comes your way.

Take the Long View

I love to water ski. Around the Heartlight campus in Texas are some of the best lakes in the country to carve the waves (as my kids would say). But if you’ve never waterskied before, here’s the trick. Never, ever, ever look at your feet. If you do, you’ll hit the water at 60 miles an hour, and skip across the surface like a rock. Instead, find a point in the distance, keep your focus there, and you’ll stay on your feet.

Raising a teenager is a little like water skiing. If you focus on where you are and not where you’re going, you’ll get caught off balance. In the present you may be discouraged thinking, “How will this ever get better? When will this turn around?” Caught up in the troubles of the here and now, you can lose sight of the future. And what’s the future? “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you [or your child, teenager, husband, wife, or any other person in your house] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

God is still at work. He hasn’t handed you this trial only to leave you hanging. The good work that He started, He promises to finish. Though you cannot see how God is going to get you through this problem now, or how He is going to turn it around, He can, and He will.

When what’s been handed to you starts to bring you down, look up. Get a glimpse of the future and know that years from now, you’ll look back and say, “Yes, God was working in that circumstance and in my kid the whole time.”

Work in Community

Trying to cope with parenting a teen all alone is hard, exhausting, and isolating. It can make you feel like you are the only one struggling. But that’s just not the case. There are moms and dads just like you in your church, at work, and in your PTA that are trying to deal with what’s been handed to them. They need support just as much as you do. God has put us in our communities so we can come alongside each other, encourage each another, and take comfort in the fact that we have similar problems and issues.

If you’re trying to deal with a troubled teen on your own, stop! Get together with other people in your church. Start a weekly gathering. Share your burdens with each other and find comfort among other believers. It’s a resource that God wants you to take full advantage of.

Your Child is Right For You

Trust me, there are times when I wonder whether at the hospital certain children got swapped and I took home the wrong kid! This can’t be my son or daughter who is making life so difficult! But here’s the truth. God hand-picked you for a reason. Of every mom and dad on the planet He chose you to parent your child. Your son or daughter needs you. And you need them. Through your teenager, God is molding and shaping you to be more like Christ.

Handling what’s been handed to you is no easy feat. I can’t know every struggle or trial that you are facing. But I do know that it’s possible not only to deal with each situation, but to allow it to be a blessing for you and your child. You can take that crummy hand and turn it into a winning combination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

When You Can’t Live This Way Anymore

Student Story: Lauren
They say “kids will be kids,” but you sense that something is off. And at times, you feel as if your family is spiraling out of control. This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston presents ten warning signs that your teen may be struggling beyond his or her ability to cope—and three ways you can make a decisive change for the better.

If you listen on a mobile phone or tablet, please download our Parenting Today’s Teens app available for Apple or Android. If you listen on a desktop or laptop computer, press the “play” button above to enjoy daily parenting advice.

The Hidden Culprit of Teen Troubles

Whether or not you think it can happen in your Christian home, your teenager is most likely experimenting with drugs or alcohol. I say that because you probably wouldn’t be reading this article unless you were already having problems with your teen.

It’s always surprising to me when parents ask for my help, and then list their teen’s issues, all pointing clearly to drug use:

“My son is truant, lies, steals, runs away, is disrespectful, deceitful, has anger issues, failing school, has the wrong friends, and seems to hate our family.” Or, “My child has stolen my car, my wallet, my cell phone, left his relationship with God behind, is cutting, has depression, ADD, ODD, or seems to have identity issues. He is a great kid but has turned into someone we don’t recognize.”

Fact is, parents are facing a difficult battle of raising kids in a teen culture bent on experimenting with every possible drug. In addition to alcohol and the common illegal drugs we all know about, teens today are learning from the Internet and from their peers about every other way to get high, including potent concoctions of common items and prescription drugs readily available in your home and even some of the plants found in your yard. Though usually less addictive, some of these are even riskier to your teen’s health and mental stability than the better known street drugs!

What these parents don’t seem to realize is that hidden drug use may be the underlying reason they are seeing behavioral issues in their teen. In fact, unless the possibility of drug use is first ruled out, all the counseling help in the world will have no positive effect. Your teen will continue to struggle with life for as long as they are taking drugs, and usually for many months thereafter.

Is drug use happening right under your nose? Possibly. No, it’s more like a real probability if you’ve seen drastic and unexplainable changes in a teen’s thinking, behavior, grades, or circle of friends. You may be fortunate and discover your teen is just in the early stages of experimentation, or you may be shocked to find they have been at it in secrecy for quite some time. In either case, the key is to find out, for sure.

Any behavioral issue that remains unresolved, despite repeated attempts to address it with differing approaches is one indicator you may be dealing with a teen who is abusing drugs in one form or another.

A few other behavior signs of undetected drug abuse include:

Lying – not just once or twice, but chronically, especially if lying is new for your teen.

Breakdown in normal habits – drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and no longer keeping themselves clean.

Change in friends – they exchange healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to unhealthy relationships and friends you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their friends and you don’t know where they are for long stretches of time.

Stealing or sudden wealth – shoplifting, credit card abuse, things disappearing without explanation, joyriding, money or valuables missing. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).

Change in schedule – up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, misses school repeatedly, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house.

Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming – to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.

And, look for homemade drug paraphernalia, like: pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, credit cards or razors for sniffing, empty aerosol cans for huffing, match piles and lighters, bags of unknown leafs, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, unexplained empty cold remedy blister packs, empty alcohol cans or bottles, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons for crushing pills repeatedly show up in their room.

Do you want to know one of the main sources of drugs for teens today? The evidence of your teen’s use can be seen in the dwindling supply of prescription meds you have in your medicine cabinet. Some kids are even getting a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins, or they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask their drug use in drug tests.

The problem lies not in recognizing how drugs might be affecting your child’s behavior. It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame it on normal teenage emotions. The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. It’s simply called denial.

You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out.

Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems in your child’s life, you are probably dealing with drugs or alcohol in one form or another. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.

So, here’s the answer. If your teen is showing some of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Do it even when they squeal in protest and are disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy to use home drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store. And when you test them, stay in the room. Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample. If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it.

Overall, they need to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in a drug rehab program or even reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail.

Better a few days in jail than a life in the grip of drugs.

If your teen is acting up, act now to drug and alcohol test them, not later. Every day you wait is possibly another step closer to your teen becoming a drug addict or alcoholic, or worse yet, overdosing and dying. Sadly, it happens every few minutes of every day to a family just like yours.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR