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Dealing with Loss and Depression

Student Story: Dylan

It takes time for any person to work through grief and loss. But with teens, it’s sometimes hard to tell they’re struggling until they’ve crossed from sadness into despair. This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston teaches parents how to recognize signs of depression and help their teens cope.

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When Your Teen is in the Wrong Crowd

If you swim with the sharks, you’re bound to get bit. One bad apple spoils the whole bushel. Bad company corrupts good character. Many parents have added these phrases to their lexicon, because they illustrate the dangers of running with the “wrong crowd”. As moms and dads, we know how susceptible kids are to peer influence. You’ve likely spent many sleepless nights worrying about the people your child is hanging around. What are they teaching my son? What are they pressuring my daughter to do? Are these friends that will give needed support and encouragement to my teen, or are they the type of people who will bring my child down?

These are valid concerns if you suspect your child is hanging out with the wrong crowd. But let’s pause for a moment and ask just who is the “wrong crowd?” Here’s a simple definition we can use: The “wrong crowd” includes anyone who influences your child in ways that are contradictory to your values, systems, and beliefs as parents.

When parents observe changes in their teen and note the actions and attitudes of their friends, they may arrive at the conclusion, “my teen is in league with some bad seeds.” When this happens, how do we gently guide our teens away from negative influences? My advice may not be what you might expect.

Teach Your Kids

As parents, part of our job is to protect our kids. We try to shield them from negative influences as much as possible. We’re not going to let our 12-year-old daughter hang around 18-year-old girls who smoke pot and sleep with their boyfriends. We have to shield our child’s innocence until they are mature enough to make wise decisions on their own. It would be foolish to let young children spend time with people who have serious hang-ups. But at some point, we must stop protecting our kids and start preparing them to make wise choices when choosing friends. If all we are doing is holding our kids back from this or that person, we are not equipping them to make smart decisions once they are free of our control.

While every child is different, here is a basic guideline for starting that relational training:

0–13 years old: Get to know and closely monitor your child’s friends. If your son or daughter is running with the wrong crowd this early, change schools, move houses, or pull your child from certain activities. At this age, they still need to have their innocence protected.
14–17 years old: Continue to monitor your child’s friends, but begin to slowly back off from controlling their relationships. If you have concerns about the people they are spending time with, talk with your kids about the problems you see. Also, set personal and family boundaries regarding the kind of behavior that is acceptable among friends and the kind that is not.
18+ years old: At this age, young people must be responsible for their own choices, including their choices in friends. If they are living with you, they must follow the rules of the house. But if they are on their own, all you can do is let them know you are available to talk and give advice if they ever feel they need it.

As you train your teen to use discernment when choosing friends, you can help them along by asking good questions. For instance, you can ask, “I’m curious; would you ever drink and drive? Do you know someone who has? Did they think it was a good idea? Do you?” Or you can ask, “Has anyone offered you drugs? What crossed your mind in that moment?” These types of questions are effective because they help your child articulate their values, beliefs, and convictions. And if they ever get into a situation similar to the one you have discussed, chances are they will remember, “Hey, I remember telling my mom (or dad) that I don’t believe in drinking and driving. I’m going to pass.” By asking good questions, you are helping your child build up those decision-making muscles that will serve them well, whether they have good friends or not.

Embrace the “Bad” Kids

We have welcomed more than 2,500 teens to the Heartlight campus over the years. All of the teens that walk through our doors would generally be included in what most people consider, the “wrong crowd.” But I love them all to death. Despite the numerous kids who have come through our program, I have yet to meet a “bad kid.” Now, I have met some strong-willed kids. I have helped teens with deep-seated problems and issues. But there isn’t one child who is beyond help. As moms and dads, we may spend a lot of time avoiding the “bad kids” and encouraging our children to do the same. But as Christians, we are called to minister to people in need. And who needs a helping hand more than a teen who is hurtling off the tracks at 90 miles an hour?

I remember taking a group of my Heartlight kids to church one Sunday. As our large group walked through the doors, I could feel the eyes turning in our direction and I could sense the shuffling in the seats. The congregants knew I was coming with teens who carried a lot of baggage. We sat in the back, and tried not to disrupt the service. But my heart broke when the pastor starting talking about a mission trip to Africa and their upcoming service to an orphanage in that part of the world. I felt like standing up and saying, “But there are kids RIGHT HERE who you need your compassion!” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with mission trips to Africa. What I am saying is that there are kids who need to be the focus of our “mission” right here in all of our back yards.

Instead of running from the wrong crowd, let’s run towards them! Turn your home into a safe, loving, and fun place where teens can hang out and interact. Provide alternatives for your kids and their friends. Invite them to watch a ball game. Pack up enough supplies, and take a group fishing. Let them set up their band in your garage. Set aside a weekend, and go camping with your kids and their friends. In this way, not only will you be providing a healthy outlet for teens to have fun, but they will be under your watch and protection. Rather than cautioning your teen to side step the problem kids, take initiative and be the mentor, leader, or life coach they need.

Maybe your son or daughter has some friends with emotional, physical, or spiritual issues. To pull away from these kids may mean we are running from the mission field God has for us! The Proverbs 31 woman is a role model for all us. God’s Word says that “she opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20). Are there hurting and needy kids in your teen’s circle of friends? Open up your arms, and embrace that “wrong crowd.”

Be The Change

When you began to read this article, you probably thought that I would offer some suggestions about how to avoid the wrong crowd. Maybe you are a bit surprised at my approach to this topic. But please hear me out; no matter where you go, where you live, or who you know—there will always be a “wrong crowd” to worry about. So rather than spend all your time playing defense trying to block the bad kids from your teens, start playing the offense. Start influencing the “bad kids” yourself. And teach your teen to do the same. In that way, you won’t avoid the wrong crowd, you will change them!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Pitfalls of Adoption

Kids were made to be in a family, with real parents. No family is perfect, and I don’t think I have ever met a perfect parent, have you? About the time parents near “perfection,” their children are all gone and living on their own. Though adoption is never perfect, I do think that parents who are considering adoption need to be perfectly prepared and informed before they take this big step.

Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood and fully appreciated by the adopted child (usually in their 20’s), they will understand God’s desire to adopt each of us to be a part of His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles, just as God often experiences struggles and sometimes rejection by His children.

It may seem from my following thoughts and warnings that I’m against adoption, but the opposite is true. In fact, I sit on the board of directors of an international adoption agency and some time ago I regularly worked with adoption agencies as the CEO of the National Association of Christian Child and Family Agencies. But I have to balance my own zeal for adoption with my experience of dealing with hundreds of parents who have contacted me over the years after running into an emotional firestorm when their adopted child reached the teen years.

Most of my experience has to do with the adopted kids who have come to live with us at Heartlight — kids who were struggling with serious behavioral issues. In fact, about one third of all the teens who have ever come to live with us in our residential counseling program have been adopted. That’s a pretty high ratio, since we don’t target helping adopted children in our program. I’m sure that none of the parents thought that they would have to send their child away one day, nor anticipate that things would go wrong. But things did go wrong…to the point that the child could no longer live at home. That’s big. It’s bigger than just big. I would call it a crisis. It is a situation that no parent would hope for when adopting, but it is something to be prepared for.

I have had parents tell me that they wish someone would have asked them some deeper questions before they made the decision to adopt. And others who say that they wished they would have listened when someone did try to forewarn them about the possible future emotional struggles or mental and behavioral effects of alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy by the child’s birth mother. Some have even shared how they wish someone would have stopped their adoption from happening.

So whose fault is it when something does go “wrong”? The adopted infant who, at the very least, had no say in the adoption? Or the older child when adopted, who out of a longing to have a family agreed to all conditions presented to him or her? Or the parents, who out of the goodness of their heart decided to bring a precious child into their family? Or the adoption agency that feels a call from God to help children and families by bringing them both together to fulfill one of God’s greatest plans? Or God Himself who created a world that has over 50 million orphans in it? You can figure all you want. But there’s only one thing that you have control over. As a parent, you can check your motives, see if adoption is right for you, and be prepared for everything that lies ahead. All things being equal among teens, the adopted child has more of a proclivity to struggle.

In fact, some adoptions cause quite a bit of pain and grief in the lives of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. But just because there’s conflict, it doesn’t mean that the adoption wasn’t meant to be. I believe that God uses all things, especially conflict and struggle, to work together for the good and bring about a good “end”. Your understanding of God’s faithfulness to you, should you find yourself in the midst of struggles in an adoption, will make all the difference in the world as you begin to understand what is happening around you. This understanding will usually determine how you respond, what you expect, and how you see the “bigger picture” of adoption in the life of your family, rather than just writing off something that was (and still is) so well intended, as just a mistake.

God has a plan. And if He has a plan for some people to adopt, He might also have a plan for some not to. I have met many people that have adopted. I have met many more that I hope will adopt. And I have met people who perhaps should not have adopted. Granted, it’s not my call. But it is my observation that some people have been motivated by wrong things, moved by emotion or a missionary purpose rather than logic and reason, and have made decisions about adoption that were not good choices for them. How do I know? They’ve told me, and these are the comments that I have heard:

“Why didn’t someone question what we were doing?”

“I think we got caught up in the excitement about adoption and really didn’t think about all the implications.”

“I never wanted this child, I was just being supportive of my wife’s idea.”

“This really isn’t what we thought it was going to be.”

“This child is destroying our marriage and ruining our family…what a mistake.”

“How could something that at one time felt so right…now feel so wrong?”

And because I hear kids who have been adopted say this:

“I always thought the biggest mistake was me being born….but I now think it was that someone allowed my parents to adopt me.”

“It’s almost as if I went from one bad situation to another bad situation, except people expect me to be thankful.”

“I’d rather go back to Ukraine (or any other country).”

“I don’t think my parents were supposed to have kids”

“Every one said that this was going to be so good…what happened?”

“Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is.”

A little chilling isn’t it? I’m sure that the parents who adopted never thought they would hear those words come out of their mouths. And I’m sure that those who were adopted (whether they were older or younger) would ever think that they would want a different situation or family. But in my experience, for the most part, even the worst adoptions tend to resolve themselves when the child turns a bit older; when their brain is fully wired. The transitional adolescent years are when most kids rebel (if they are going to rebel at all), and adopted kids often have physical or emotional scars that can make this time of confusion many times worse.

When rebellion comes to the surface, seemingly overnight, parents can’t help but have an “I deserve better than this” attitude. After all, they’ve saved the child from a less privileged life. They’ve given the child their love, their home, and so much more. Now the child slaps them in the face? That hurts! So, it can be a time when emotions run high. That’s why it is so imperative for adoptive parents to know how to act and what to expect, and to most of all not take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about the teen’s confusion and struggles. It requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of hatred and rejection. How severe or long that period is depends on the teen, but also somewhat how the parents respond to it.

Am I attempting to keep you from adopting? By no means. If the child isn’t adopted, they may live their lives without the presence and structure of the family to give them guidance, wisdom, love, hugs, birthday celebrations, and everything else a family offers. But be prepared for what lies before you, and don’t resort to thinking the adoption is a failure should the adopted child struggle through some pretty “heavy” issues in the teen years.

Adoption is a good thing, but it’s not for everybody. If I can get those who wouldn’t be good adoptive parent to choose not to adopt, then I have done a good thing by sharing these concerns. If they choose to go ahead and adopt, then I have also done a good thing by making them aware that issues might arise that they should be prepared to handle.

If you are considering adopting, pray about it, seek counsel, ask for honest answers to the difficult questions, and don’t get caught up in it as the “Christian thing” to do. By all means, don’t rush into it. Talk to people whose adoptions have gone well, and those whose have not gone well. Ask questions. Listen wisely. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” My point is this. Ask many people about the adoption process that if that is what you are considering.

If adoption is right for you, then pursue it with abandon. But if it’s not, don’t hesitate to say so, and know that God has another plan for you, for the child, and for your family’s life. Make sure each spouse and any remaining children in the family are fully on board, not just going along with it. Make sure that what you’re doing is the right thing to do… FOR YOU, FOR YOUR FAMILY and FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because if it’s the wrong thing to do, the child and your family will both pay a great price (and I’m not just talking about money).

If you’ve already adopted, embrace that which is before you and know that God has not abandoned you if things aren’t working the way you want them to. I guarantee that He is involved. Remember, any issue that does arise, can be worked through, dealt with, and resolved. You can get on the other side, whether that is a change in your child’s behavior and issues, your issues that you brought into the adoption, or the way that you view those issues that have landed on your doorstep. It’s merely a new test, a new challenge, and a new opportunity for change, in the lives of all involved. There is hope. There are answers. So, if you are at that point, please don’t hesitate to call me. I can help you through these issues.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR